When your partner is upset, you can tell; when they’re thrilled, you know it.

The basics of reading emotions in a relationship, right?

But sometimes, it’s not about understanding them; it’s about understanding you.

The complexity of your own feelings might be the biggest puzzle of all, and it could just be that you’re the emotionally unavailable one.

Now, don’t panic—this isn’t a blame game, but about self-discovery and growth.

You’re already ahead just by being here, ready to delve into the 8 subtle signs of emotional unavailability in yourself.

Remember though, none of this is set in stone.

We’re all works in progress, and today might just be the day you take one more step towards a more emotionally connected you:

1) You’re a master at deflection

Emotions can be tricky, can’t they? They surge and ebb like unpredictable tides, and sometimes it feels like they’ve got a mind of their own.

But here’s the thing: It’s easy to spot when you’re deflecting your partner’s emotions.

If they’re upset, you might crack a joke to lighten the mood; if they’re happy, you might downplay their joy by pointing out something negative.

It’s just that emotions can be overwhelming, and deflection is your go-to method of managing them.

But that’s where the problem lies: You’re not really managing your emotions; you’re avoiding them.

That’s a classic sign of emotional unavailability.

Don’t beat yourself up though as recognizing this pattern is the first step towards change.

It’s okay to feel what you feel—even if it’s uncomfortable or scary—because that’s how we grow.

2) You’re always ‘fine’

Ever find yourself responding with “I’m fine” when someone asks how you’re feeling? I’ve been there.

Just last week, my partner asked me how I was doing after a particularly stressful day at work.

I shrugged it off and said, “I’m fine.”

But here’s the thing: I wasn’t fine.

I was stressed and tired, but instead of sharing those feelings, I chose to suppress them.

The problem with always being “fine” is that it’s rarely a true reflection of our emotional state.

It’s more of a defense mechanism to avoid confronting or sharing our feelings—another sign of emotional unavailability.

It’s okay not to be fine all the time; it’s okay to share your feelings, as raw and uncomfortable as they might be.

Vulnerability is not a weakness; it’s a strength as it takes courage to open up and let others see you as you truly are.

3) Your emotional intimacy feels like a foreign concept

When we think of intimacy, our minds often jump to the physical aspect.

But emotional intimacy? That’s a different ballgame altogether.

Emotional intimacy is about being open and vulnerable, about sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, and fears with your partner.

If that sounds more terrifying than bungee jumping off a cliff, then you might be emotionally unavailable.

Emotional avoidance is one of the primary factors that can lead to dissatisfaction in relationships.

So, the next time you feel the urge to retreat into your shell, remember that emotional intimacy is a crucial part of building a strong, healthy relationship.

4) You avoid serious talks like the plague

Let’s face it, nobody particularly enjoys having those serious, heart-to-heart conversations.

They’re heavy, they’re intense, and they can be downright uncomfortable.

But here’s the catch: They’re also incredibly necessary.

If you find yourself constantly sidestepping these talks, or worse, shutting down completely when your partner tries to initiate one, you might be emotionally unavailable.

It’s a defense mechanism, a way to avoid vulnerability and maintain control, but—in the long run—it only creates distance and misunderstanding in your relationship.

Take a deep breath and step into it with an open mind and heart; it might be tough, but it’s an essential part of emotional connection.

5) You think commitment feels like a straightjacket

I’ve been there: The thought of commitment used to send me into a full-blown panic.

It felt like a trap, like I was losing my freedom, but I’ve come to realize that commitment isn’t about losing anything.

It’s about choosing to share your life with someone, about standing by them through thick and thin.

If you’re anything like me and the word “commitment” sends a shiver down your spine, you might be exhibiting signs of emotional unavailability.

I had to learn the hard way that avoiding commitment doesn’t protect you from hurt; it just keeps you from experiencing the full depth of love and connection.

If you find yourself running away from commitment, take a moment to explore why.

It’s not about forcing yourself into something you’re not ready for, but about understanding your fears and addressing them head-on.

6) You’re a pro at keeping people at arm’s length

You might be the life of the party, always surrounded by friends and acquaintances, always there with a quick joke or a funny story.

When it comes to truly letting people in, you suddenly turn into a vault.

It’s a strange paradox, isn’t it? Being sociable yet distant, friendly but not quite intimate.

If this sounds familiar, you might be emotionally unavailable.

You’ve mastered the art of social interaction, but emotional connection?

That’s a different story.

True connection is about the quality of your relationships, the depth of your conversations, and the authenticity of your interactions.

7) You’re always ready to jump ship

When things get tough, do you stay and fight or take the nearest exit? If your instinct is to run at the first sign of trouble, you might be emotionally unavailable.

This isn’t about being a quitter or lacking resilience.

It’s about your ability to handle emotional discomfort and uncertainty in your relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs—it’s normal to have disagreements and face challenges.

If your first response is to bail instead of working things out, it might be time to evaluate your emotional readiness for a relationship.

Navigating through rough patches can be tough, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and strengthening your bond with your partner.

8) You put up walls instead of building bridges

Walls are great for protection, but they’re not so great for connection.

If you find yourself constantly putting up walls to keep others out, you might be emotionally unavailable.

However, here’s the thing: Walls only give the illusion of safety.

In reality, they isolate us and prevent us from forming deep, meaningful connections with others.

If you find yourself building walls, try to understand why: Is it fear of being hurt? Fear of vulnerability?

Once you understand the root cause, you can start tearing those walls down, brick by brick.

Remember, opening up to someone doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.

Being human means being vulnerable, being real, and most importantly, being open to love and connection.

Embracing emotional availability

If you’ve made it this far, you’re likely realizing that emotional availability is about being human, being vulnerable, and being open to change.

Emotional unavailability is not a life sentence.

It’s a protective shield we create, often subconsciously, to guard ourselves from potential hurt but, in the process, we also shield ourselves from the beauty of deep connections and intimate relationships.

Acceptance is the first step towards change.

It simply means you have areas to grow in—just like every one of us.

So as you reflect on these signs and ponder your own emotional availability, remember this: Change is possible.

You are capable of deep emotional connections, and you are capable of love and intimacy.

After all, we are all works in progress, and every step we take towards understanding ourselves is a step towards becoming better versions of ourselves.