You know that awkward hush that used to settle over the dinner table whenever feelings tried to show up?

If you grew up with parents who stuck to weather reports and report-card talk, you probably do.

The thing is, kids don’t stop feeling just because adults stop naming feelings.

We still need ways to handle the rush inside. So—like tiny engineers—we invent coping strategies. Some of them serve us well, others leave dents that only show up decades later.

Think of today’s article as a field guide: a quick scan to spot the dents and a starter kit for smoothing them out.

Stick with me and you’ll spot eight habits many “emotion-unschooled” kids carry into adulthood, learn why they show up, and grab a few ideas for upgrading them.

By the end, you’ll have a clear next step for replacing at least one old reflex with a healthier response.

1. Bottling it up

When no one models healthy expression, keeping a lid on everything feels safest.

Over at Mayo Clinic, they’ve done the digging and found that long-term stress—common in neglected kids—ramps up cortisol and spikes the odds for headaches, gut trouble, and high blood pressure. 

Trouble is, that bottle eventually cracks—often through anxiety, digestive issues, or midnight snack raids.

Left unchecked, bottled feelings can even numb our capacity for joy, because the same lid that traps grief also muffles excitement.

2. Turning every feeling into a thought

Did you ever notice how some folks can describe their emotions only in PowerPoint slides?

Growing up, I became the king of flowcharts—feelings translated into analysis so fast I barely caught a breath.

It worked great in corporate life, not so great in marriage.

If you recognize the spreadsheet reflex, pause and ask, “Where do I feel this in my body right now?”

You might be surprised to find the answer nowhere near a pie chart.

Over time, letting the body speak first teaches the mind it doesn’t have to run the whole show.

3. People-pleasing on autopilot

When emotional waves felt dangerous at home, making sure everyone else stayed calm became a stealth survival skill.

That habit can morph into saying “yes” before your brain even votes.

The cost? Resentment, burnout, and no real idea what you actually want.

Try this micro-practice: Before you agree to anything, take two slow breaths and ask, “Is my ‘yes’ honest, or is it protection?”

As the practice sticks, you’ll notice your true “yes” gaining muscle while your reflex “sure” learns to sit quietly.

4. Cracking jokes to dodge depth

Humor is a fabulous shield. I’ve mentioned this before but the biggest laughs I got at school came right after someone asked, “Are you okay?”

Laughter lightens heavy rooms; just don’t let it keep you from ever visiting the basement.

A simple check-in: After you make the room laugh, give yourself permission to feel whatever’s underneath the punchline.

If there’s real hurt down there, writing it out later—no audience required—can loosen the knot without killing your comic timing.

5. Perfectionism disguised as “high standards”

Straight-A report cards are applause you can hear even in silent households.
Yet perfectionism (I wore it like a badge through my forties) often hides fear of criticism, not love of excellence.

One messy hobby—watercolor, sourdough, learning Spanish with your grandkids—teaches the nervous system that imperfection won’t end the world.

Mine certainly didn’t.

Plus, the more mistakes you allow in low-stakes zones, the easier it becomes to experiment in high-stakes ones—relationships, careers, even retirement plans.

6. Becoming the family therapist

Maybe you were the kid who soothed siblings or mediated parental arguments.

That role can follow you into adulthood as chronic caretaking—choosing partners you need to “fix,” picking jobs that drain you, or ignoring your own meltdown because someone else’s looks bigger.

I’m no know-it-all, but scheduling genuine selfish time each week is often the bravest therapy a former caretaker can do.

Consider blocking it on your calendar like a dentist appointment; you’ll be shocked how fast others learn to manage their own cavities.

7. Escaping into overwork or fantasy

Books, games, a sixty-hour week—anything to avoid the discomfort of unspoken feelings.

You’ll find something similar from the crew at Mind Tools who say suppressing emotions can jack up blood pressure and addiction risk. 

Healthy distraction has its place.

The danger shows when every quiet minute triggers the urge to scroll or stay late at the office.

Notice that impulse; see if you can ride out 90 seconds before acting on it.

That sliver of space is where new choices are born.

And if you catch yourself itching for “just one more episode,” try naming the feeling you’re ducking—often that alone dials down the urge.

8. Hyper-independence

And here’s one I really don’t want you to miss: the iron-clad rule of “I’ll do it myself.”

It looks heroic, but the experts at BetterUp spell it out—hyper-independence often grows straight out of early neglect or betrayal, and it quietly erodes trust and wellbeing. 

The antidote isn’t swinging to neediness; it’s practicing tiny acts of reliance: asking a coworker for input, letting a friend pick the movie, or accepting that casserole your neighbor insists on delivering.

Start small, repeat often, and watch how shared effort turns life from a solo sprint into a friendlier relay.

Putting it into action

Feeling called out by one—or all eight—of these? Good. Recognition is half the cure.

Here’s a bite-sized action list you can start today:

• Name one feeling out loud each evening, even if it’s “weirdly fidgety.”
• Schedule a two-minute body scan when you first sit at your desk.
• Say “I’ll get back to you” instead of an automatic “yes.”
• Ask for help once this week, even if you don’t “need” it.

Tackling just one point consistently beats dabbling in all four for a weekend and quitting by Tuesday.

Small hinges swing big doors.