Have you ever caught yourself replaying certain things your parents used to say, long after you’ve become an adult?

I sure have.

In my younger days, I dismissed those statements as “just how they talked.”

But over time, I’ve come to understand that some phrases, repeated often, shape our beliefs about ourselves and our relationships.

I don’t think most parents who use harmful language do it on purpose.

Often, they’re simply passing down habits from their own upbringing. It doesn’t mean they never loved you—it just means they didn’t know how to show it in a healthier way.

With that in mind, let’s explore seven phrases that can signal you were raised by parents who struggled to express love openly.

1. “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The basic message behind this statement is: “Your emotions are not valid.”

It teaches children that showing sadness or vulnerability will only invite more pain.

When I was raising my own kids, I heard parents in the neighborhood bark these words more often than I care to admit.

Some folks believed it toughened their children.

But according to Psychology Today, shutting down a child’s emotions can increase anxiety and weaken trust in the parent-child bond.

Children who hear this learn to stuff their feelings down rather than express them freely.

That can lead to adults who hide their pain and struggle silently.

In truth, all emotions—tears included—serve a purpose.

They let us process hurt, frustration, and stress.

If we’re told to “stop crying” every time we feel overwhelmed, we grow up believing we have to handle everything alone, without support.

2. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

This phrase might be convenient for parents, but it doesn’t invite dialogue or understanding.

It slams the door on genuine communication.

 A loving relationship, even between a parent and a child, involves a willingness to listen and explain.

Sure, we’re not always in the mood to discuss every minor decision with our kids—especially if they’re nagging for candy at bedtime.

But constantly defaulting to “Because I said so” cuts off a child’s natural curiosity.

Instead of learning about reasons and consequences, they learn to obey blindly.

Over time, that can stunt their ability to question, reason, and trust their own judgment.

A better approach might be taking a moment to offer a simple explanation, even if brief: “No candy now because you need proper rest. Sugar can keep you awake, and we’ll all have a tough morning.”

That type of clarity might not avoid all tantrums, but it shows them their concerns are heard.

3. “Why aren’t you more like your sibling?”

Parents sometimes utter these words in an attempt to motivate.

They compare one child’s behavior or achievements to another’s, hoping the underperformer will pick up the slack.

But more often, it sparks resentment and insecurity.

From what I’ve seen with my own grandchildren, each child grows at their own pace, with unique strengths.

According to research, comparisons among siblings can lead to long-term strain in their relationships—both with each other and with their parents.

Instead of fostering healthy competition, it can create a sense of not measuring up.

Think about it. You’re essentially telling one child, “You’re not good enough,” and telling the other child, “You’re the benchmark.” It puts everyone in a box.

Rather than push a child to excel, it pushes them away from feeling safe and appreciated.

4. “Don’t be so sensitive.”

Feelings are feelings. They’re neither good nor bad; they just are.

Children don’t come with an off-switch for their sensitivities.

Even as adults, many of us still carry those sensitive spots.

When parents constantly say, “Don’t be so sensitive,” the child hears, “Your reaction is wrong. You’re overreacting.” It tells them to dismiss their natural emotions.

As Brene Brown famously said, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

If you grew up feeling shamed for being sensitive, you might have internalized the idea that your emotions are flaws to be corrected.

In reality, being sensitive can be a strength. It can mean you’re more empathetic, more attuned to the needs of others.

The key is to learn coping skills, not to bury your feelings.

If parents acknowledged and guided children through their emotions, we’d see kids who know how to process and respond to life’s challenges without feeling shame.

5. “You have no right to complain; my childhood was worse.”

I recall a former coworker of mine who would say this to his kids whenever they complained about chores.

He’d go on a rant about his own tough upbringing.

The kids rolled their eyes, and the conversation ended in frustration on both sides.

Here’s the problem: it invalidates the child’s experiences.

Regardless of how easy or hard it might look from the outside, children’s struggles feel real to them.

According to Psych Central, invalidation of a child’s stress can lead to feelings of isolation and may even contribute to anxiety disorders later in life.

We might think we’re teaching gratitude, but we’re actually teaching them their feelings don’t matter.

Sure, perspective is important—but so is acknowledgment.

Parents can instead say, “I understand you’re upset.

Let’s figure out why you feel this way and see what can help.”

6. “You owe me for everything I’ve done for you.”

This phrase reveals a transactional view of love.

A child doesn’t choose to be born; that responsibility belongs to the parent.

Yes, parenting is a monumental task—one that often feels thankless.

But children shouldn’t grow up feeling like they have a debt to repay for basic care, food, or shelter.

When a parent repeatedly says, “You owe me,” it creates guilt and confusion about the nature of love.

Love becomes conditional, hinged on a running tally of what the parent has provided.

That can sabotage a child’s sense of self-worth.

They might feel that no matter what they do, they’ll never clear the debt.

A more loving approach might emphasize gratitude without strings attached.

Something like, “I provide for you because I love you. I appreciate any help you offer, but I’ll always care for you.”

7. “You’d be perfect if you just lost some weight / fixed your hair / changed that outfit.”

This can come in many forms, but the essence is the same: the child is told that acceptance or perfection hinges on changing a physical trait or appearance.

Over time, it can damage body image and create a never-ending chase for approval.

I once watched a father scold his son for having a “weird” haircut.

The boy looked crushed, and I could see the embarrassment wash over him.

What might seem like a harmless comment to an adult can be devastating for a child’s self-confidence.

According to research from Better Health, children who receive frequent negative remarks about their appearance are at higher risk of developing low self-esteem and, in some cases, disordered eating habits.

No one expects parents to lavish endless compliments, but there’s a difference between helpful guidance (“Let’s dress appropriately for the weather”) and undermining remarks that link love to physical criteria.

The latter teaches kids that they’re not worthy unless they look a certain way.

Final thoughts

All these phrases, in one way or another, convey the same idea: “My love for you is conditional, or your emotions and concerns don’t really matter.”

And if you heard them often, you might still be wrestling with the after-effects as an adult.

It’s not easy to unlearn these internalized messages. But recognizing where they come from is a good first step.

I’ve seen how powerful it can be to reframe the language we use with the people we care about, whether that’s our children, our partners, or even ourselves.

When you swap out dismissive, guilt-inducing statements for empathetic, affirming words, you open the door to better connection and healthier self-esteem.

So if these phrases strike a familiar chord, don’t feel condemned.

You’re not doomed to repeat the same patterns.

We can learn to communicate love in ways that encourage emotional safety, honesty, and warmth.