Have you ever wondered why certain men seem almost hesitant when it comes to affection?

I’ve asked myself that question many times over the years, particularly whenever I encountered men who appeared uneasy about something as simple as a hug or a warm gesture.

I remember seeing this dynamic back in my marketing days.

We were in a team meeting, and a colleague (let’s call him Alex) mentioned how he rarely witnessed his father showing any physical or verbal affection toward his mom.

Alex said his mom didn’t seem to expect it, and it never crossed his dad’s mind to be more demonstrative.

Looking back, it’s clear that Alex was clueless about just how much this upbringing shaped his own relationship habits.

Let’s walk through eight common relationship behaviors that can emerge when a man never saw his mother receive affection while growing up.

1. Reluctance to show physical affection

This is often the most obvious sign.

Men who grew up without witnessing hugs, gentle touches, or even a hand resting fondly on their mother’s shoulder may see physical contact as foreign or unnecessary.

They might pull away when a partner tries to hold their hand in public or shift uncomfortably during a simple hug at a family gathering.

Why? They just never learned the comfort of casual touch.

I once dated someone who rarely hugged me without me initiating it first.

It felt like he didn’t want to be close, but when I brought it up, he admitted he’d never seen his parents embrace.

He wasn’t rejecting me; he was stuck in a pattern he didn’t even know existed.

2. Downplaying the importance of emotional expression

Another behavior I’ve noticed is an almost unconscious attempt to trivialize emotions—especially “softer” emotions like vulnerability or sadness.

Some men simply don’t have the blueprint for acknowledging these feelings in a healthy way.

They might say things like, “It’s no big deal,” or “I’m fine,” even when they’re clearly bothered by something.

Men’s Prosperity notes that traditional gender norms still discourage men from openly expressing their emotions.

This is magnified when a boy grows up in a household where his mother’s need for affection (emotional or physical) isn’t recognized.

He may learn that feelings are best left unspoken.

3. Struggling to offer reassurance

We all need reassurance sometimes.

But a man who never witnessed his mom being comforted or emotionally supported can have trouble offering this to his partner.

He may not realize that a quick text or a small gesture—like grabbing someone’s favorite treat on the way home—can calm anxieties or brighten someone’s day.

He’s not intentionally being selfish.

He just doesn’t have a frame of reference for the little acts of reassurance that go a long way in healthy relationships.

If you’ve ever felt like your partner was oblivious to your stress, there’s a chance he honestly doesn’t know he should verbalize support.

He may quietly think he’s there for you, yet never say it or show it because he hasn’t seen it modeled in real life.

4. Overly self-reliant to the point of isolation

I’ve always believed in the power of collaboration, whether it’s in parenting my son or working on a project with colleagues.

However, some men prefer to tackle everything alone.

They’ve seen a mother who managed without expecting any emotional backing from her spouse, so they learned that “going solo” is normal.

Studies indicate that children raised by less affectionate parents and emotionally uninvolved parents often develop heightened self-reliance in order to cope.

While self-reliance can be commendable, it often translates into a reluctance to share burdens.

So if he’s stressed about his job, you might only find out when he’s on the brink of burnout.

He’s not trying to shut you out. He just thinks it’s how everyone deals with challenges.

5. Difficulty initiating romantic gestures

Let’s not overlook this final step before we dive into more patterns: romance is learned behavior.

If a boy never saw his father buy flowers or his mother receive sweet surprises, he might struggle with romantic ideas.

He’s not opposed to them; he just doesn’t know how to start.

I remember reading a quote by Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

This could apply perfectly here.

He may simply not know better yet.

So he goes years without planning a surprise date, writing a heartfelt note, or celebrating small milestones.

He’s not uninterested in making his partner feel special—he’s unaware that these gestures matter.

6. Confusion around open communication

Open communication is the backbone of any relationship.

But for men who grew up in a home where affectionate language wasn’t exchanged, communication can be a maze.

They might feel uneasy broaching topics about feelings, boundaries, or future plans.

They’re not silent because they don’t care; they’re silent because they’re not sure how to phrase what’s inside.

Sometimes, bullet points can help clarify what open communication actually involves:

• Actively listening without planning a rebuttal
• Checking in with each other’s emotional well-being
• Asking questions that show genuine curiosity
• Using words like “I appreciate…” and “I value…”

It sounds simple, but if no one modeled this behavior, it feels like a foreign language.

7. Low tolerance for conflict

I’ve made my share of mistakes, so I’m right here with you when it comes to handling conflicts.

Conflict is inevitable.

Yet, if a boy never saw healthy disagreements where the mother was respected, or if she avoided arguing in front of the children because she didn’t expect her spouse to respond kindly, that boy grows into a man who flinches at any sign of tension.

He might shut down or walk away the moment voices get raised.

He might think a relationship is doomed just because there’s a disagreement.

According to research, unresolved childhood experiences can heighten a person’s stress response, making them either overly reactive or completely avoidant in conflict situations.

It’s not that he won’t address an issue; he just doesn’t know how to do it without emotional fallout.

8. Guarded approach to vulnerability

I don’t want to skip something crucial: vulnerability is scary, especially if you’ve never seen it handled with care.

When a man grows up watching a distant marriage, he rarely witnesses the safety net that vulnerability can create between two people.

He might believe showing weakness is a one-way ticket to rejection or judgment.

So he protects himself by staying emotionally guarded.

He doesn’t open up easily about fears or insecurities because he was never taught that someone could hold space for them.

In his mind, he’s just being responsible for his own feelings.

Meanwhile, you might be left guessing what’s really going on in his head.

Final thoughts

Relationships are about growth, and nobody is doomed to repeat an unhealthy cycle forever.

When you notice these behaviors, remember they’re often deeply ingrained.

Shaming someone won’t help.

Instead, gently share what you need in a relationship.

Explain that a quick hug or a verbal “I love you” can turn an average day into a good one.

Give space for them to practice opening up.

If you’re the one who recognizes these patterns in yourself, know you can unlearn them.

Reflect on each behavior and consider small steps to change it.

Something as simple as offering genuine compliments or planning a surprise meal can nudge you out of that comfort zone.

Before we wrap up, let’s look at one more angle: help is out there if you need it.

Talking with a therapist or counselor can uncover the root causes of these habits and provide actionable strategies to shift them.

It might feel awkward at first, but genuine connection and empathy can be learned skills.

All you need is willingness and a bit of patience.

Thank you for reading.

I hope this helps you recognize any hidden relationship patterns—whether in yourself or in someone you care about—and encourages you to foster healthy, affectionate bonds moving forward.

Remember, what we don’t see growing up doesn’t have to limit how we choose to live and love as adults.