Growing up, our relationship with our parents shapes us in ways we often don’t realize until later in life.

If you’ve had a complicated relationship with your parents, you’re likely to exhibit certain behaviors that are directly linked to your past experiences.

According to psychology, these behaviors aren’t just random; they’re a direct result of the environment in which you were raised.

Throughout this piece, I’ll be sharing seven behaviors you might relate to if you’ve grown up with a complicated parental relationship.

These aren’t just casual observations, but behaviors deeply rooted in psychological insights that offer some understanding of why we act the way we do.

Understanding these behaviors can shed light on our actions and can help us navigate our adult lives more efficiently.

It’s like proofreading our past and editing our future, giving us a better chance at handling our relationships and overall life.

So, let’s dive into these seven behaviors and see if they resonate with your experience.

1) Constant self-doubt

A complicated relationship with your parents often results in a constant feeling of self-doubt. This usually stems from inconsistent or unpredictable responses from parents during childhood.

Growing up, if your achievements were met with varying levels of enthusiasm or indifference, or if your mistakes were severely punished sometimes and ignored at others, it can lead to an internal chaos. You may constantly question your decisions and their worth.

Renowned psychologist Erik Erikson once said, “Doubt is the brother of shame,” And nowhere is this more apparent than in those who’ve grown up with a complicated relationship with their parents.

It’s as if you’re proofreading your life constantly, unsure of every decision you make because you never had a consistent pattern to follow.

This isn’t just about doubting your choices; it extends to doubting your worth, your abilities, and even your perceptions of reality.

But by recognizing this behavior, you can start rewriting your story and stand more confidently in your decisions.

2) Overly independent

One of the behaviors that I, and many others who’ve had a complicated relationship with their parents, can relate to is being overly independent.

This usually stems from having to fend for ourselves emotionally and, at times, even physically, at a young age.

I remember growing up, being left to handle my school problems and emotional distress on my own. My parents were often too caught up in their own issues to provide the support I needed.

This created a pattern where I learned not to rely on others and became excessively self-reliant.

This is echoed by psychologist Carl Rogers, who said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” When you’re forced into self-reliance early in life, you learn quickly how to adapt and change.

However, while this independence can be a strength, it can sometimes make it difficult to ask for help when we need it or allow others to get close.

Recognizing this behavior can help you find balance in your independence and realize that it’s okay to lean on others sometimes – in fact, it’s part of the human experience.

3) The pattern of people-pleasing

Do you often find yourself going out of your way to please others, even at the expense of your own wellbeing? This could be a behavior rooted in your complicated relationship with your parents.

Growing up, many of us learned that pleasing our parents was the only way to receive love and avoid conflict. We may have found ourselves constantly walking on eggshells, trying to meet their ever-changing expectations.

This behavior often continues into adulthood as we seek validation from our peers, bosses, and partners.

Renowned psychoanalyst Erik Erikson stated, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.” But there’s a fine line between healthy interdependence and people-pleasing.

It’s vital to understand that seeking constant approval from others can be emotionally draining and detrimental to our self-worth.

Recognizing this pattern can be the first step towards assertiveness and setting boundaries, leading us towards healthier relationships.

4) Difficulty forming close relationships

A complicated relationship with parents can often lead to struggles in forming close, intimate relationships in adulthood.

According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals with insecure parental attachments during their early years often have trouble developing secure attachments in their adult relationships. This struggle stems from the fear of vulnerability and rejection.

Growing up with inconsistent parental support or affection can make us wary of opening up to others. We may fear that showing our true selves will lead to rejection or disappointment, much like it did in our childhood.

It’s not about blaming our past, but rather understanding its impact on our present.

This understanding can provide the first step towards creating more meaningful and secure relationships.

5) High levels of anxiety

Many of us who’ve had a complicated relationship with our parents tend to experience higher levels of anxiety. It’s as if we’re constantly on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I remember feeling a sense of unease and worry even in calm situations. It was like my mind was always expecting something to go wrong, a behavior deeply rooted in my unpredictable childhood.

Famous psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “Anxiety is the price we pay for civilization.” Yet, when it’s a constant companion, it can significantly impact our quality of life.

Recognizing the role our past plays in our present anxiety is an important step towards managing it effectively.

It’s about understanding that our past experiences have conditioned us to expect instability, and working towards creating a more secure and calm mindset.

6) Struggle with self-care

Ironically, those of us who grew up in complicated family environments often struggle with self-care.

You’d think that, having had to fend for ourselves, we would be experts at taking care of our needs. But that’s not always the case.

Growing up, our focus might have been on survival, not self-care. We might have learned to disregard our own needs to keep peace or to avoid being seen as a burden.

Consequently, as adults, we may find it challenging to prioritize ourselves and our wellbeing.

Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, said, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” And part of this acceptance is acknowledging that we deserve care and attention, too.

Recognizing this struggle can be a powerful motivator to start prioritizing self-care and nurturing ourselves the way we deserved to be nurtured growing up.

7) Perfectionism

Lastly, a behavior many of us with complicated parental relationships can relate to is perfectionism. Striving for flawlessness becomes our way to feel worthy and avoid criticism.

Alfred Adler, a renowned psychologist, once said, “The striving for significance, this sense of yearning, always points out to us that all psychological phenomena contain a movement that starts from a feeling of inferiority and reach upward.”

Recognizing this tendency can help us understand that it’s okay to be imperfect and that our worth is not tied to perfection.

Final reflections

The complexities of human behavior often find their roots in our early experiences. Our upbringing, particularly our relationship with our parents, can shape the way we navigate through life as adults.

Recognizing these behaviors isn’t about pointing fingers or dwelling in the past. Instead, it’s like proofreading a manuscript – identifying errors and understanding their origin so we can correct them moving forward.

Each of these behaviors – from self-doubt to perfectionism – is a piece of the puzzle that makes up who we are. By acknowledging them, we can begin to understand ourselves better and work towards healing and growth.

Remember, it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. The step towards understanding is a step towards becoming the best version of ourselves – and that’s a journey worth undertaking.