Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling drained but couldn’t pinpoint why?

I’ve experienced that uneasy sensation in both my personal and professional life.

Many of us assume a toxic individual is obvious—a bully, a constant critic, or someone who’s openly rude.

In reality, they can show up in subtler ways. And by the time we notice, the damage might already be done.

I’m a single mom, juggling a career and parenthood, so my time and energy are precious.

Over the years, I’ve learned to spot the hidden red flags that signal trouble.

Here’s what’s interesting: Numerous studies have reported that toxic behavior often manifests through indirect manipulation and hidden aggression.

That means we can easily miss it if we’re only looking for overt cruelty or narcissism.

Let’s look at some of those elusive signs.

The subtle language of manipulation

Some toxic people cloak their criticisms in friendly words.

They might shower you with praise in one breath and slip in a cutting remark in the next.

It’s easy to tell yourself, “Maybe I’m oversensitive,” especially when their comments sound sweet on the surface.

I remember a colleague who used to say, “You’re so brave for trying such a big project,” in a tone that left me wondering if I was being admired or put down.

It was subtle.

I shrugged it off until my anxiety kicked in whenever we worked together.

That’s the hallmark of invisible toxicity—it makes you question yourself instead of questioning the other person.

Sometimes, the best immediate response is a straightforward question like, “Could you clarify what you mean by that?”

This approach gently calls them out. If they genuinely care, they’ll explain in a way that eases your concern. If they brush it off or act offended, that’s a clue something is off.

“I’m just joking” but you’re not laughing

There’s a big difference between playful teasing and cutting humor.

Toxic humor usually aims to tear someone down.

As Psychology Today notes, persistent ridicule—even if it’s framed as a joke—can trigger anxiety and damage self-esteem over time.

A classic tactic is the backhanded remark followed by, “Don’t be so serious. I’m only kidding.”

But if it hurts, it hurts. Jokes shouldn’t wound.

When I see my son teasing a friend, I remind him that humor isn’t a free pass to be mean.

I’m teaching him that empathy and comedy can coexist.

If someone’s laughter consistently comes at your expense, you have every right to question their intentions.

Sometimes toxic individuals hide behind humor to avoid accountability.

Once you call them out, they might flip the script and say you’re overreacting.

That’s gaslighting territory, and it’s meant to keep you confused about your own feelings.

Passive aggression disguised as “concern”

Ever had someone comment on your life choices in a way that stings but sounds vaguely supportive?

It might go like this: “I’m just worried about you working those long hours… are you sure you can handle it?”

And you’re left feeling judged rather than helped.

It’s a common pattern I see in relationships where one person tries to maintain control by making the other feel incapable.

I’ve also noticed it at play with parents who constantly undermine their adult children’s decisions by framing them as concerns.

Real concern doesn’t make someone feel small.

If you sense a “helpful” statement is packaged with blame or condescension, you’re likely dealing with a toxic undertone.

Gaslighting: “I never said that.”

Gaslighting is an especially insidious form of psychological manipulation.

A person twists or denies your reality until you start doubting your own memory.

According to a study from the APA, gaslighting can lead to chronic self-doubt and erode your sense of personal agency.

It can make you question what you saw, heard, or even felt.

I’ve had clients who came to me feeling completely disoriented after months of being told they were “too sensitive” or “remembering wrong.”

One woman confided that her partner regularly denied entire conversations.

She finally started writing down key interactions. Seeing her own notes reminded her she wasn’t crazy—she was being manipulated.

Taking personal notes or confiding in a trusted friend can ground you when someone tries to warp your perception.

Emotional exhaustion you can’t explain

There’s a silent toll that a toxic person can take on your emotional energy.

You might not notice it right away, because everything appears normal on the surface.

But over time, you feel drained, unfocused, and even uneasy around them.

That gradual energy leak is one of the strongest indicators something isn’t right.

From my own experience, whenever I end up repeatedly questioning, “Why am I so worn out lately?” I start looking at who I’ve been spending the most time with.

Lingering guilt for no apparent reason

A hallmark of toxicity is making you feel responsible for someone else’s emotions.

Sometimes, they’ll claim you’re the cause of their problems. Other times, they’ll insist you owe them constant attention.

It’s manipulative, because it puts you in a perpetual state of “emotional debt.” You feel guilty for taking care of your own needs or setting boundaries.

I had a friend who used to say, “After all I do for you, you can’t even make a little time to talk?”

She always chose moments when I was overwhelmed with work and parenting duties.

Eventually, I realized her statements weren’t about actual concern for my schedule.

She wanted to control my availability to feed her own need for validation.

And here’s the kicker:

According to Psych Central, people who are chronically guilt-tripped by toxic friends or relatives can experience long-term issues with trust, both in themselves and in future relationships.

Being mindful of how often you hear phrases like “You owe me,” or “Look what I sacrificed for you,” can help you identify toxic patterns.

Subtle sabotage of your self-confidence

Some people attack your self-esteem in sly ways.

You might share an accomplishment, only to be met with a lukewarm reaction—or even an underhanded comment like, “That’s nice, but do you really think it’s sustainable?”

Those little question marks they plant can grow into full-blown doubts if you’re not vigilant.

I’m raising my son to celebrate other people’s wins rather than tear them down.

We talk about it regularly because I want him to understand how genuine support should feel.

Toxic folks do the opposite.

They poke holes in your success story under the guise of realism or caution.

If someone consistently downplays your victories, don’t ignore it. Healthy relationships involve cheerleading, not constant critiques.

A pattern of controlling your decisions

One more angle I don’t want to skip: toxic people often try to steer your choices under the radar.

They might say something like, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” in a tone that suggests you can’t be trusted to decide for yourself.

Or they’ll discourage you from pursuing opportunities because “It’s too much risk,” leaving you to second-guess your ambition.

A 2020 survey from the APA revealed that individuals in controlling relationships often report lower self-efficacy.

That means they lose confidence in their ability to make sound decisions. Over time, they start deferring to the toxic person for every little thing.

Here’s a quick litmus test:

Are you feeling more liberated or more trapped since this person entered your life? If freedom is shrinking, it’s worth examining why.

Why do we fall for these tactics?

It’s easy to beat ourselves up and ask, “How did I not see this?”

The reality is, these behaviors can appear supportive or playful at first.

Toxic people are often skilled at weaving compliments with insults, or mixing care with subtle control.

Nobody wants to label a friend, coworker, or family member as toxic without good reason, so we give them the benefit of the doubt.

We also live in a culture that encourages politeness. Confrontation feels uncomfortable.

So we tell ourselves we must be misunderstanding or overthinking. That’s how toxic patterns gain a foothold—through our reluctance to stir the pot.

Here are a few signals to watch for:

• You leave the interaction feeling small, anxious, or overly defensive.
• You constantly find yourself apologizing or explaining “where you’re coming from.”
• You hesitate to share good news because of how they might react.

They might seem minor on their own, but pay attention when they start piling up.

Before we wrap up, I want to encourage you to trust that voice inside telling you something’s wrong.

Toxic people thrive where doubt and confusion live.

So pay close attention to how people make you feel—even in small moments.

If you notice subtle manipulations or consistent negativity, consider taking action sooner rather than later.

That might mean drawing a line in the sand, seeking support from a trusted friend, or reaching out for professional help.

You have the power to decide how much influence another person holds over your life.