Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling utterly drained and unsure of yourself?

I have.

There was a time, not long after my divorce, when I was second-guessing every step I took—both as a mother and a professional.

I was constantly asking myself if I was “good enough.”

It wasn’t until I leaned on my background in psychology and did some serious reflection that I realized I’d been dealing with a high-level narcissist at work who was making me question my worth at every turn.

Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics they use to chip away at your identity. 

It’s like a slow, calculated erosion of who you are.

And if you’re not aware, you end up trapped in their web before you even realize what’s happening.

That’s why I want to share nine common tactics high-level narcissists use to make you lose your sense of identity.

These tactics don’t always appear in obvious ways.

In fact, they can be so subtle that you might brush them off as minor disagreements or misunderstandings.

Let’s take a look at each one.

1) Gaslighting your reality

Gaslighting is one of the most potent weapons in a narcissist’s toolkit.

They lie, twist events, or outright deny facts to make you doubt your own experiences.

You might confront them about something they said, and they’ll respond with, “That never happened,” or, “You’re just imagining things.”

Over time, you start to distrust your memory and instincts.

Data from Medical News Today suggests that persistent gaslighting can lead to long-term psychological distress, including chronic self-doubt.

The worst part is that it can happen in any relationship—romantic, professional, or even among friends.

My biggest advice here is to keep track of what actually goes on. Write down incidents as soon as they happen.

If you have evidence—like texts or emails—save them.

You’ll find it easier to remind yourself what’s true when a manipulator is trying to tell you otherwise.

2) Twisting compliments into manipulations

High-level narcissists often start by showering you with compliments. But there’s a catch.

Not long after the praise, they’ll slip in a subtle criticism or remind you of a favor they did.

Suddenly, a kind word turns into a power move.

You end up feeling like you owe them gratitude—or worse, submission.

This tactic chips away at your sense of independence because you start associating praise with an unspoken debt.

Instead of feeling empowered, you feel obligated.

I learned this lesson the hard way when a colleague made me feel guilty for not repaying his “helpful advice” with endless favors.

Over time, that so-called generosity felt more like a chain around my neck.

Authentic kindness doesn’t come with strings attached.

3) Attacking your vulnerabilities

Narcissists are uncanny at sniffing out your insecurities.

They’ll identify whatever makes you self-conscious—your appearance, your education level, or even your childhood struggles—and use it as a bargaining chip or a knife to wound you.

Why do they do it?

Because when you feel insecure, you’re less likely to stand up for yourself.

You might even catch yourself thinking, “Maybe I’m just overreacting,” as a way to justify their hurtful comments.

I’ve found it useful to adopt a mental boundary: if someone weaponizes personal information you’ve shared in trust, they’re not safe to confide in again.

A narcissist thrives on using that information against you.

Protect yourself by being mindful about what you share and with whom.

4) Isolation from your support system

One common approach is subtle but effective: they’ll discourage your friendships or criticize your family.

Over time, you’ll notice you’re spending less time with the people who genuinely care about you.

Maybe they say your friends are “toxic,” or your family is “against your goals.” Suddenly, you’re left with only the narcissist’s voice in your head.

And that’s exactly where they want you—alone and more dependent on them.

People who feel socially isolated are more susceptible to manipulation because they lack alternative perspectives.

That isolation makes it harder to break free.

Ask yourself, “Have I cut off relationships that used to bring me joy?” If the answer is yes, consider why.

A genuine partner—or friend—should encourage healthy connections, not sabotage them.

5) Using blame-shifting

Blame-shifting is when a narcissist never takes accountability and instead turns every problem around on you.

They might say, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.” The outcome? You constantly feel like the one at fault.

Blame-shifting can become a vicious cycle.

• You bring up a concern.
• They flip it and accuse you of overreacting or causing drama.
• You become defensive and question your actions.
• They walk away unscathed.

Over time, you might doubt your ability to assess problems accurately. This leads you to bury legitimate concerns instead of addressing them.

Calling out blame-shifting the moment it happens can cut through the fog.

Try calmly stating, “I’m noticing you’re avoiding responsibility right now.”

You might not change the narcissist’s behavior, but you’ll reclaim your clarity by naming the tactic when it appears.

6) Engaging in the silent treatment

Sometimes the loudest assault on your identity is silence.

Narcissists use the silent treatment to punish you or force you to beg for their attention.

It might look like unread messages, unanswered calls, or giving you the cold shoulder at home.

Silence is powerful because it leaves you in limbo.

You start questioning what you did wrong and how to fix the situation.

The silent treatment can make you feel invisible—like you don’t exist unless they acknowledge you.

7) Triangulation and comparison

Triangulation is when a narcissist pulls in a third person—maybe an ex-partner, a friend, or a colleague—to stir up jealousy, competition, or doubt.

They might say something like, “So-and-so agrees with me that you’re overreacting,” or they’ll casually mention how someone else is so much more understanding.

This tactic pits you against another person.

Instead of standing your ground, you find yourself defending your perspective or trying to “outdo” the third party.

Over time, you lose sight of your own values, focusing instead on how to win the narcissist’s approval.

Notice when you’re being pushed into competing for someone’s validation.

Relationships—romantic or otherwise—should be about mutual respect, not a never-ending contest for who can be the “favorite.”

8) Creating ever-shifting expectations

Another subtle way high-level narcissists undermine your identity is by constantly changing the goalposts.

One day, they expect you to cater to their emotional needs.

The next day, they say you’re too clingy and independent.

It’s a no-win scenario.

You try so hard to meet their demands, only to learn the demands have changed yet again.

This perpetual state of uncertainty keeps you on edge, always wondering if you’re enough.

The truth is, consistent standards are key to healthy relationships and self-growth.

Inconsistent or unrealistic expectations can erode self-esteem because you never get the satisfaction of meeting a clear, achievable goal.

Recognize that healthy people stick to what they say (within reason, of course).

If you’re always guessing how to please someone, it’s worth questioning if you’re dealing with a narcissist who thrives on confusion.

9) Public humiliation or belittling

I don’t want to skip something crucial: sometimes the manipulation happens in public.

A narcissist might put you down in front of friends, colleagues, or even strangers.

They’ll do it with a smug laugh, as if it’s all in good fun, but you know it’s a dig at your character.

The psychological impact here can be severe.

Feeling humiliated in front of others amplifies your sense of powerlessness.

You might clam up in group settings and feel like you’re walking on eggshells, never sure when the next public jab will land.

I’m not claiming to have a perfect formula, but I do know what it’s like to juggle a million things at once, especially as a single mom.

Protecting my sense of identity helps me be a better parent. I want my son to grow up knowing he can speak up if someone belittles him—no matter the setting.

Conclusion

Your sense of identity is precious. If any of these tactics feel all too familiar, you’re not alone, and you’re not powerless.

Take small, firm steps to protect your well-being: document manipulative moments, confide in trusted friends, or consult a mental health professional if necessary.

Think of your identity as a compass guiding you through life.

When someone tries to spin that compass to serve their interests, it’s time to set your boundaries and realign with your own true north.

Because when you know who you are—and believe in it—no narcissist can steal that away.