Last week, I was at a dinner party when I watched someone completely derail what could have been a delightful conversation.

Within minutes, they’d interrupted three people, launched into a lengthy story about their recent promotion (disguised as stress about “having too much responsibility”), and never once asked a single question about anyone else at the table.

The energy shifted. People started checking their phones. The natural flow of connection just… stopped.

I realized I was witnessing psychology in action—those subtle conversational patterns that either draw people toward us or push them away without us even realizing it.

We all want to be liked and understood.

But sometimes our attempts to connect actually work against us.

Research shows that certain speaking habits consistently reduce how likable others find us, even when our intentions are good.

These aren’t character flaws.

They’re learned patterns we can change once we recognize them.

Here are ten conversational mistakes that psychology tells us instantly reduce your likability—and what to do instead.

1. Disguising bragging as complaining

You know that person who says, “Ugh, I’m so stressed about which vacation home to buy” or “I hate when people assume I’m the boss just because I drive a nice car”?

Harvard Business School researchers found that humblebragging—disguising self-promotion as complaints or fake modesty—makes people like you less than straightforward bragging.

When you mask boasts as problems, listeners immediately pick up on the insincerity.

If you want to share good news, just share it honestly. “I got the promotion I was hoping for” lands so much better than “Now I’ll have even less free time.”

2. Interrupting others mid-sentence

We’ve all done it—gotten so excited about our response that we jump in before someone finishes their thought.

But researchers found that chronic interrupters might gain a momentary bump in perceived status, yet they’re consistently rated as less likable than people who let others complete their sentences.

The interruption sends a clear message: what I have to say matters more than what you’re saying.

This pattern is especially damaging for women, who face harsher likability penalties for interrupting than men do.

Next time you feel that urge to jump in, take a breath. Let the pause hang for a second after they finish speaking.

That small moment of restraint shows respect and makes the other person feel truly heard.

3. Asking zero follow-up questions

I used to think being a good conversationalist meant having interesting stories to share.

Then I noticed how differently people responded when I started asking genuine follow-up questions instead of just waiting for my turn to talk.

Harvard researchers discovered that people who ask few or zero questions during conversations are seen as noticeably less likable.

Quick follow-ups signal curiosity and interest, which naturally boosts rapport between speakers.

When someone mentions their weekend plans, don’t just nod and launch into your own agenda.

Ask where they’re going, what they’re most excited about, or how they discovered that new restaurant.

These small questions create connection threads that weave genuine conversations together.

4. Monopolizing conversations without pause

There’s a difference between sharing a story and delivering a monologue.

When you talk for long stretches without checking if others want to contribute, you’re essentially holding the conversation hostage.

People start to feel like an audience rather than participants in a mutual exchange.

I’ve caught myself doing this when I’m nervous or passionate about a topic—the words just pour out without consideration for the other person’s experience.

The fix is simple but requires awareness: pause every 30 seconds or so and create space for others to respond.

Watch for non-verbal cues like glazed eyes, phone checking, or people shifting their weight away from you.

These signals tell you it’s time to wrap up your point and invite someone else into the conversation.

5. Name-dropping to impress

You know the person who casually mentions their famous friend, their connection to the CEO, or their exclusive membership to prove their worth.

Name-dropping feels strategic, but it usually backfires by making you seem insecure and calculating.

People sense when you’re trying to borrow someone else’s status instead of letting your own character shine through.

The most magnetic people I know rarely mention their impressive connections unless it’s genuinely relevant to the conversation.

They understand that authentic confidence doesn’t need external validation.

If you find yourself about to drop a name, pause and ask: am I sharing this because it adds value to our discussion, or because I want to seem important?

6. Complaining constantly without solutions

Everyone needs to vent occasionally, but chronic complainers drain the energy from every interaction.

When every conversation revolves around what’s wrong with your job, your commute, or your life, people start avoiding you.

Complaint-heavy conversations create a negative feedback loop that leaves both parties feeling worse than before.

I learned this lesson during a particularly stressful period when I realized I was greeting people with problems instead of presence.

Try the two-complaint rule: you get two genuine complaints per conversation, then shift toward solutions or different topics.

People gravitate toward those who can acknowledge challenges while maintaining hope and agency.

7. One-upping others’ experiences

Someone shares their travel story, and you immediately launch into your more exotic adventure.

They mention feeling tired, and you explain how your exhaustion is definitely worse.

This competitive response pattern kills conversational intimacy faster than almost anything else.

When you consistently escalate or minimize others’ experiences, you’re essentially saying their feelings don’t matter.

The person who just shared something personal feels dismissed and less likely to open up again.

Instead of competing, try validating: “That sounds really challenging” or “I can imagine how exciting that must have been.”

Save your own similar story for later in the conversation, if at all.

8. Using your phone while someone talks

Nothing communicates disinterest quite like checking your phone mid-conversation.

Even glancing at notifications sends the message that something else might be more important than this moment.

Your divided attention creates distance and makes the other person feel undervalued.

I started putting my phone face-down or in my pocket during conversations, and the difference in connection quality was immediate.

People began sharing more openly when they knew they had my complete focus.

In our hyperconnected world, undivided attention has become a rare gift.

Give it generously, and watch how people respond to feeling truly seen and heard.

9. Steering conversations back to yourself

Someone mentions their new hobby, and you immediately pivot to your own interests.

They share a work challenge, and you redirect to your similar situation.

This self-centered pattern makes conversations feel like performances rather than connections.

People notice when you consistently make their stories about you, even if you think you’re being relatable.

Before we finish, there’s one more thing I need to address about this habit.

Practice asking three questions about their topic before sharing your own experience.

This simple ratio ensures the other person feels heard before you contribute your perspective.

10. Giving unsolicited advice

The moment someone shares a struggle, many of us jump straight into problem-solving mode.

But most people aren’t looking for solutions—they want empathy, understanding, and connection.

When you immediately offer advice without being asked, you’re essentially saying they can’t handle their own problems.

This pattern is particularly common when we care about someone and want to help.

But rushing to fix things often makes people feel judged rather than supported.

Try asking, “Do you want to brainstorm solutions, or would it help more to just talk through how you’re feeling?”

This simple question honors their autonomy while showing you’re there for whatever they need.

Final thoughts

These conversational patterns aren’t character flaws—they’re habits we’ve all developed in our quest to connect and be understood.

The beauty of recognizing them is that awareness creates choice.

You can catch yourself mid-humblebrag and pivot to honest sharing.

You can notice the urge to interrupt and choose patience instead.

You can feel the pull to one-up someone’s story and offer validation instead.

I’ve worked on each of these patterns in my own conversations, and the shift in how people respond has been remarkable.

Conversations feel more genuine, connections deepen faster, and people seem more eager to spend time together.

The next time you’re in conversation, pick just one of these habits to focus on.

Notice when it shows up, breathe, and try the alternative approach.

Which pattern resonates most with you right now?