9 signs your friend is actually a frenemy (according to psychology)

Ava Sinclair by Ava Sinclair | January 13, 2025, 3:01 pm

As individuals, we desire to surround ourselves with genuine friends – those who love, respect, and support us.

However, in our social circles, we may find ourselves tangled up with a ‘frenemy’ – a person who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy in disguise.

This term represents someone who may appear friendly and supportive on the surface, but their underlying intentions and actions are harmful or detrimental to us.

Like toxic relationships, a “frenemy” relationship can result in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and distress.

Such behavior can be challenging to identify initially because of the duality of their nature – acting friendly while having hidden harmful intentions.

I’ll be sharing 9 psychological signs to help you identify if your friend is actually a ‘frenemy’. Let’s delve into it.

1) They’re competitive

Competition can be healthy and motivating in the right contexts, but when it comes to friendships, it’s a different story.

You may find a ‘frenemy’ constantly trying to outdo you or belittle your achievements. They might always have a better story to tell, a better grade to show off, or even a better dress to wear at a party.

They appear to be in a constant race with you, trying to surpass you in every way possible and rarely celebrating your achievements. Instead, they may downplay your success or not acknowledge it at all.

This is not what true friendship is about. Friends should lift each other up, not push each other down for their own gain. If you notice this pattern in a friendship, it could be a sign that your friend is actually a frenemy.

2) They engage in passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is a common trait of a frenemy. They may not openly express their negative feelings towards you, but they show it subtly through their actions and comments.

For instance, they might give backhanded compliments, such as “I wish I could be as laid back about my work as you are”, which on the surface sounds like a compliment but is actually a criticism of your work ethic.

Or they may do subtle things that make you feel uncomfortable or unwanted, like making plans in front of you but not including you, or consistently forgetting to invite you to gatherings.

Such behavior can lead to feelings of confusion and self-doubt, as it’s difficult to pinpoint and confront. But if left unchecked, it can significantly damage your self-esteem and mental wellbeing.

3) They’re overly nice

It might seem strange, but being excessively nice can also be a sign of a frenemy. They might shower you with compliments, gifts, or do you huge favors, but this can often be a manipulative tactic rather than genuine kindness.

Why? It’s their way of keeping you close and maintaining the illusion of friendship. By seeming extraordinarily nice, they can divert your attention from their toxic behavior and even make you feel indebted to them.

So, if your friend is always going above and beyond to please you, it’s worth considering their motives. Remember, true friends are kind and helpful without any hidden agendas.

4) They’re not there when you need them

When you’re going through a difficult time, a real friend is there for you. They offer a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and words of comfort and encouragement.

A frenemy, on the other hand, is often nowhere to be found when you’re in need. They might make excuses, change the subject or even go silent when you’re going through a tough time.

Having a friend who disappears or becomes distant when you’re in crisis, it’s a harsh sign they may not truly care about your wellbeing. True friendship isn’t just about good times, it’s about supporting each other through the rough patches too.

5) They struggle to celebrate your success

It’s a wonderful feeling to share your achievements with your friends, and their happiness for you can often amplify your own joy.

However, a frenemy may struggle to share in your happiness. They might change the subject quickly, offer half-hearted congratulations or even subtly undermine your success.

It’s important to remember that their inability to celebrate with you is a reflection of them, not you. Your successes are worth celebrating, and a true friend will always be there to cheer you on.

It’s okay to expect this from the people you share your life with.

6) They’re always the victim

We all have those days when everything seems to go wrong, and it’s natural to vent about it to our friends. But if your friend is always playing the victim and blaming others for their problems, it might be a sign of a frenemy.

They might constantly complain about their job, their family, or their other friends, but never take any responsibility for their actions. This can be draining and make every interaction with them feel negative.

We’ve all been there, dealing with that friend who can’t seem to see the bright side. It’s important to recognize when this behavior becomes a pattern – it’s a sign that your friend is not only a downer but may actually be a frenemy.

7) They love gossip

Who doesn’t enjoy a juicy bit of gossip every now and then? It can be fun to hear about the latest happenings and share a laugh. But if your friend is always eager to spread rumors or talk negatively about others, it might be time to rethink your friendship.

A frenemy often thrives on gossip, especially if it’s about mutual acquaintances or – even worse – about you! They might find joy in sharing secrets or spreading rumors, which can lead to a lot of unnecessary drama.

So next time you’re having a chat, pay attention to what they’re saying. If it’s more about others’ misfortunes than uplifting news, you might have a frenemy on your hands. Just imagine what they could be saying about you when you’re not around!

8) They’re quick to point out your flaws

Nobody’s perfect – we all have our strengths and weaknesses. True friends are able to accept us as we are, flaws and all, and offer constructive criticism when it’s needed.

A frenemy, however, seems to take delight in pointing out your shortcomings. They might bring up your mistakes in front of others or constantly criticize you under the guise of ‘just being honest’. This is not honesty, it’s disrespect.

Finding yourself constantly feeling inadequate around a friend, it’s time to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, even when you’re not at your best. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

9) They make you feel drained

The most crucial sign that your friend might be a frenemy is how they make you feel. Friendships should lift you up, bring you joy, and leave you feeling energized and loved.

If instead, you often feel drained, stressed, or anxious after spending time with them, it’s a significant red flag. A real friend won’t leave you feeling like this.

Always trust your feelings. They are usually the best indicator of the nature of your relationship. If your gut is telling you something’s off, it’s worth taking a closer look at the friendship.

In conclusion

Navigating friendships can be tricky, especially when you’re dealing with a ‘frenemy’. But remember, true friendship is about mutual respect, understanding, and support. If your friend doesn’t make you feel valued and loved, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

You deserve friends who contribute positively to your life and wellbeing.

Facing the fact that your friend might be a frenemy can be tough. But it’s better to have fewer genuine friends than numerous frenemies. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who bring negativity into your life.

This article is not intended to diagnose your friendships but rather to provide insight into some signs that can indicate unhealthy dynamics.

Having one or two of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean your friend is a frenemy. But if you notice a pattern of these behaviors, it’s definitely worth reflecting on.

At the end of the day, it’s important to surround yourself with people who uplift you, respect you, and treat you with kindness. Because that’s what true friendship is all about.