If you’re always seeking validation, it could be due to these 7 common childhood experiences

Eliza Hartley by Eliza Hartley | January 13, 2025, 1:13 pm

We’ve all been there.

That moment when you’re craving for someone’s approval or validation.

It’s a feeling that can be quite overpowering, driving us to put our self-worth in the hands of others.

But have you ever stopped to ask, “Why do I constantly seek validation?”

Well, the truth is, your need for validation might not be your fault at all. In fact, it could be deeply rooted in your childhood experiences.

In this article, we’re going to explore seven common childhood experiences that could be the reason behind your constant need for validation.

Let’s dive in and uncover some truths that may help you understand yourself a little better.

Remember, understanding is the first step towards change. So, let’s take that step together.

1) Growing up with overly critical parents

Who hasn’t heard the phrase “tough love”?

But there’s a fine line between constructive criticism and being overly critical.

If you’ve grown up with parents who often pointed out your flaws, it might have led to an internal belief that you were never good enough.

In such situations, children often develop a habit of seeking validation from others.

As adults, this can evolve into a constant need for approval, as they strive to prove their worth and gain the acceptance they didn’t receive as kids.

Understanding this connection can be the first step towards breaking free from this cycle of seeking validation.

It’s important to remember, your worth isn’t defined by others’ opinions but by your own self-perception and self-love.

2) Lack of attention during childhood

I can relate to this one, personally.

Growing up as the middle child, I often felt overlooked – wedged between the accomplishments of my older sibling and the cuteness of the youngest.

My achievements would be celebrated for a moment, then quickly eclipsed by my siblings’ exploits.

In an unconscious attempt to reclaim some attention, I found myself constantly seeking approval and accolades from others.

It was as if every “well done” from a teacher or friend filled a void that had been created in my early years.

This experience taught me that a lack of attention during childhood can fuel a lifelong need for validation.

Recognizing this has been a significant step in learning to validate myself, rather than relying on others to fill that gap.

3) Experiencing a traumatic event

Trauma has a funny way of showing up in our lives, even when we think we’ve tucked it away safely in the dark corners of our memory.

As a kid, I was involved in a car accident. The physical scars healed, but the emotional ones took a little longer.

I found myself constantly seeking reassurance from others that I was okay, that I was safe. It was as if their words could build a protective shield around me.

This constant need for validation wasn’t about my ego or self-worth. It was about finding comfort and safety in an unpredictable world.

It was about creating a sense of control when everything else felt out of control.

It took me years to realize that no amount of validation from others could truly heal my trauma.

That journey had to begin within me.

But understanding how this traumatic event contributed to my need for constant validation was an important step in my healing process.

4) Being rewarded for perfection

Perfection can be a double-edged sword.

As a child, did you ever feel like your parents’ love and approval were tied to your achievements?

Maybe you received praise for perfect grades or excelling in sports or arts.

While this might have motivated you to work hard, it might have also planted the seed of needing to be perfect to receive validation.

Fast forward to adulthood, and this could translate into a relentless pursuit of perfection in every aspect of life.

You might find yourself seeking validation through constant achievement, unable to shake off the feeling that you need to be perfect to be valued.

Recognizing this pattern can help you break free from the need for validation and understand that your worth isn’t tied to your achievements or perfection.

It’s okay to be imperfectly you.

5) Living in an unstable environment

Life can be a rollercoaster ride, full of ups and downs.

But did you know that growing up in an unpredictable environment can lead to a constant need for validation?

Let me explain.

As a child, if your home life was unstable – maybe your parents argued frequently, or you moved around a lot – you might have felt insecure.

You might have craved stability in the midst of chaos.

Fast-forward to adulthood, and this insecurity can manifest as a deep-seated need for validation.

Seeking approval from others can provide temporary security, akin to the stability you were craving as a child.

Acknowledging this link between your childhood environment and your need for validation as an adult can be a powerful tool in breaking this cycle and finding inner stability.

6) Not being allowed to express emotions

You know, it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to express your emotions, even the ones that are uncomfortable.

If you grew up in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged, you might have learned to bottle up your feelings.

Maybe you were told boys don’t cry, or that being angry isn’t ladylike.

Maybe you learned to put on a brave face instead of showing your true feelings.

As an adult, this might translate into seeking validation for your feelings from others.

You might need others to tell you that it’s okay to feel a certain way because you were never allowed to validate your own emotions.

Recognizing this can be a big step toward emotional independence and self-validation.

You don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel what you’re feeling. Your emotions are valid simply because they exist, and it’s okay to express them.

7) Being conditioned to people-please

Here’s something crucial you need to know.

If you were raised in a way that conditioned you to please others – perhaps to keep the peace at home or avoid conflict – you might have developed a habit of bending over backwards to make others happy, often at your own expense.

As an adult, this can manifest as a constant need for validation.

You might find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’, just to keep others happy and gain their approval.

But here’s the truth: You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. It’s okay to put your needs first.

You don’t need validation from others to justify your boundaries or decisions.

They are valid because they are yours, and that’s all the validation you need.

The final takeaway

If you’ve resonated with any of these experiences, you might be dealing with a deep-seated need for validation.

But remember, recognition of the issue is the first step towards resolution.

So, take a moment, reflect on your past, and understand how it may have shaped your current behaviors.

Acknowledge these childhood experiences without judgment. They are not your fault. They do not define you.

Use this understanding as a tool for self-improvement.

Remind yourself that you don’t need to seek validation from others to affirm your worth. You are enough, just as you are.

It might take time, and that’s okay. Change is a process, not an overnight event.

But with every step towards self-validation, you’ll become more confident, independent, and in tune with your own needs and desires.

Every journey begins with a single step. Take that step today. Start validating yourself.

And remember, the only approval you need is your own.