I used to think that just being there for my adult kids would naturally keep us close.

But as they started building their own lives, I realized that some of my well-meaning habits were actually pushing them away.

I’d give advice when they hadn’t asked, check in a little too often, or worry aloud about things that, frankly, they didn’t need me worrying about.

It was hard to see, but I began to notice that these behaviors weren’t helping us connect; they were creating distance.

If you’re anything like me, and you want a stronger, more meaningful relationship with your adult children, you might need to rethink a few of those habits, too.

Here are eight things I learned to let go of to build a bond that’s rooted in trust, respect, and genuine connection.

1) Trying to control their lives

The urge to guide your children never really goes away, does it?

Even when they’re fully grown and have lives of their own, you can’t help but feel the need to step in, give advice, and sometimes even make decisions for them.

However, this can be stifling for your adult kids.

You see it as love and concern, but they might see it as a lack of trust in their ability to make their own choices.

Pushing too hard might end up pushing them away.

Instead, try to shift your role from a director to a supporter.

Easier said than done, I know.

But remember, your adult children are just that – adults.

They need space to breathe and grow on their own terms.

Letting go of the control can be a game changer in your relationship with them.

2) Overstepping boundaries

Boundaries, huh? Boy, did I learn this one the hard way.

Let me take you back a few years.

My daughter had just moved into her first apartment and I was feeling all kinds of emotions.

Excitement, pride, and a good bit of worry too.

So, what did I do?

I started dropping by unannounced to check up on her.

I thought I was being helpful, maybe even endearing.

Turns out, not so much.

One day she sat me down and explained that my spontaneous visits were invading her space and independence. It was a wake-up call.

I realized that even with the best intentions, it’s crucial to respect your adult children’s boundaries. Their home, their rules.

It might have been tough to swallow at first, but it made our relationship stronger than ever. 

3) Ignoring their interests

When it comes to bonding, shared interests can be a powerful glue.

But here’s the thing – according to Pew Research, one-in-four (26%) of parents say they’re less involved in their adult adult child’s life than they’d like to be.

What’s the best way to become more involved in your adult child’s life?

Taking interest in their hobbies.

Even if it’s something that doesn’t quite light your fire, don’t dismiss it.

Whether it’s rock climbing, vegan cooking, or obscure 80s movies, show an interest.

Ask questions. Learn about it. Maybe even give it a try.

You might not end up loving it as much as they do, but the fact that you’re making an effort to understand and engage with their passions can mean the world to them.

And who knows? It might even open up new avenues of connection between you.

4) Holding onto past mistakes

We all mess up from time to time.

It’s part of being human. But as a parent, it can be tough to let go of the mistakes your children made when they were younger.

Maybe they flunked a class in high school or made some questionable decisions in their early twenties. It happens.

But here’s the deal – if you’re constantly bringing up these past mistakes, it can create a sense of resentment and frustration in your adult children.

They’ve grown and learned from their errors.

If you keep dwelling on them, it can feel like you’re not acknowledging their growth or maturity.

So, take a deep breath and let the past be in the past.

Focus on who they are now, not who they were then.

5) Not really listening

I’ll admit it – I’ve been guilty of this one.

How many times has your adult child been talking and you’re nodding along, but not really hearing what they’re saying?

Maybe you’re thinking about your to-do list, or what to cook for dinner, or a million other things.

But here’s what I’ve learned: listening is more than just hearing words.

It’s about understanding, empathizing, and responding in a way that shows you truly care about their thoughts and feelings.

When I started making a conscious effort to really listen to my kids, I was amazed at the difference it made.

They felt more valued, more understood, and our conversations became richer and more meaningful.

So, the next time you’re chatting with your adult child, put aside your distractions and give them your full attention.

You might be surprised at what you learn.

6) Avoiding tough conversations

There’s a natural instinct to keep things light and breezy, especially if you’re worried about creating tension or conflict.

It might seem easier to brush heavy topics under the rug and focus on the positive.

But here’s the catch – avoiding tough conversations doesn’t make the issues disappear. In fact, it can often make them grow.

Whether it’s about politics, personal values, or difficult family matters, having open and honest discussions can actually bring you closer together.

It shows your adult children that you respect their opinions and trust them enough to tackle hard topics together.

Yes, these conversations can be challenging.

But they can also lead to deeper understanding, mutual respect, and a stronger bond.

So, don’t shy away from them. Instead, embrace the opportunity for growth and connection.

7) Comparing them to others

It’s a tale as old as time – parents comparing their children to their siblings, cousins, or even the seemingly perfect kids next door.

The intention might be to motivate them or set a benchmark.

But here’s the hard truth – comparisons rarely inspire.

More often, they lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.

Your adult child is unique, with their own strengths, weaknesses, and journey.

So celebrate their individuality and achievements instead of measuring them against someone else’s yardstick.

When you do this, you send a powerful message: ‘I see you. I value you. I love you just the way you are.’

And that, my friends, can work wonders for your relationship.

8) Forgetting to express your love

This might seem obvious, but sometimes, amidst the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to forget the simplest thing – to tell your adult children how much you love them.

Love isn’t just about big grand gestures. It’s also in the small, everyday things:

• A text to check in on them
• A hug when they’re feeling down
• Simply saying ‘I love you’ out of the blue

No one ever outgrows the need for love and affirmation, no matter how old they are.

So don’t hold back. Express your love freely and often.

Wrapping it up

Letting go of habits that may have worked when your child was younger can feel challenging, I know.

But doing so opens up the space for a deeper, more meaningful connection.

By saying goodbye to these behaviors, you’re not just giving them room to grow—you’re building a bond based on mutual respect and trust.

And ultimately, that’s the foundation for a lifelong relationship where they feel safe, valued, and understood.