Respect and approval are two very different things, but we often get them confused.

I’ve noticed that people-pleasing behaviors, while well-intentioned, often undermine our self-respect.

These behaviors may win you approval in the short-term but ultimately could lead to a lack of respect from others, and more importantly, a lack of self-respect.

In this article, I’m going to share 8 people-pleasing tendencies you need to bid farewell to if you want to earn the respect you deserve.

Let’s get started. 

1. Constantly seeking validation

We all crave validation to some extent. It’s an inherent part of being human. Yet, when the need for validation becomes a constant pursuit, it crosses into the realm of people-pleasing.

As a mindfulness enthusiast, I’ve noticed how this incessant need for approval can turn you into a doormat, leading others to take advantage of your kindness. It’s a slippery slope that can lead to loss of self-respect and in turn, respect from others.

The solution? Start by acknowledging your accomplishments, however big or small. Recognize your own worth and understand you don’t need external validation to confirm it.

2. Over-apologizing

I’ll be the first to admit, I used to be a serial apologizer. I’d say sorry for things that weren’t my fault, for things beyond my control, and even for simply existing in a space. It was a people-pleasing habit that was hard to shake.

But over time, I’ve realized that excessive apologizing doesn’t just dilute the meaning of the apology, but it also chips away at your self-esteem and self-respect.

Apologies have their place, but they should be reserved for when you’ve genuinely done something wrong, not as a reflexive response to every situation.

Learning to break away from this habit can be challenging, but it’s an essential step towards gaining respect from others and yourself. After all, it’s hard to respect someone who’s always apologizing for their existence.

3. Neglecting your own needs

In our quest to please others, we often forget to take care of ourselves. I’ve seen this time and again – people neglecting their own needs for the sake of others. This isn’t just detrimental to your well-being, but it also sends a message that your needs are less important than those of others.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I delve into the concept of self-care and how it’s integral to leading a fulfilling life.

When we consistently put others before ourselves, we’re not only setting ourselves up for burnout, but we’re also giving others permission to disregard our needs.

It’s crucial to strike a balance between attending to others and taking care of ourselves.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Start prioritizing your needs without feeling guilty about it. It’s not selfish; it’s self-respect.

4. Avoiding confrontation

People-pleasers often shy away from confrontation. It’s understandable; conflict can be uncomfortable and even scary. But avoiding confrontation at all costs can cause others to lose respect for you, as it may portray you as someone who is not confident or assertive enough to stand their ground.

Psychologically, this behavior stems from a fear of displeasing others and a desire to maintain harmony. However, it’s important to remember that healthy conflict can lead to growth and improved relationships.

Here’s a practical tip: Start with small disagreements. Express your opinion on less contentious issues and gradually increase the stakes. This will not only boost your confidence but also help you handle bigger conflicts more effectively.

5. Always saying “yes”

This may seem counter-intuitive, but constantly saying “yes” to everything is a classic people-pleasing behavior that needs to go. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that agreeing to everything makes you more likable and respected. But in reality, it often leads to the opposite effect.

Saying “yes” all the time can result in overcommitment, stress, and resentment. Plus, it gives others the impression that you’re easily swayed and lack assertiveness.

The alternative? Learn to say “no.” It’s a powerful word that can help establish boundaries and command respect. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, you’ll find that saying “no” is liberating and can boost your self-respect.

6. Being overly accommodating

Being flexible and accommodating is generally a positive trait. However, bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else’s needs and wants can be detrimental to your self-worth and respect.

Over-accommodation often stems from the fear of rejection or conflict. But in the process, you might end up sacrificing your own happiness, comfort, and even your principles.

It’s important to maintain a balance between being accommodating and preserving your own sense of self. Stand up for what you believe in and don’t hesitate to express your needs.

7. Overcompensating

There was a time when a simple mistake would send me into a frenzy of overcompensation. An error in a project would lead to countless hours of overtime, a small misunderstanding would result in an elaborate apology. It was exhausting and did nothing but drain my self-esteem.

Overcompensation is a common behavior among people-pleasers. It stems from the fear of not being good enough and the desire to make up for any perceived shortcomings.

The truth is, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s how we handle these mistakes that truly matters. Instead of overcompensating, acknowledge the error, learn from it, and move on. This not only fosters personal growth but also builds respect from others who see your maturity in handling setbacks.

As the renowned psychologist Carl Jung said, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

Embrace your imperfections and remember, you don’t have to be flawless to be respected.

8. Suppressing your feelings

Suppressing your feelings to keep the peace is a classic people-pleasing behavior. It might seem easier to hide your emotions than to risk a potential disagreement or uncomfortable situation. However, doing so can lead to feelings of resentment and can damage your self-esteem.

It’s crucial to express your feelings honestly and assertively, without resorting to aggression or passivity. This doesn’t mean you have to engage in conflict at every turn; rather, it’s about respectfully communicating your emotions when they need to be heard.

Your feelings are valid and deserve recognition, just as much as anyone else’s.

Conclusion

Our behaviors and tendencies, while often tied to ingrained patterns, are within our control to change. The key lies in awareness and a willingness to take steps towards transformation.

As we’ve explored these 8 people-pleasing behaviors, you might find yourself resonating with one or more of them. That’s okay. It’s part of the journey of self-awareness and growth.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I discuss various aspects of self-improvement and personal growth that can help you navigate this journey more effectively.

Saying goodbye to these behaviors is not about becoming someone else; it’s about becoming the most authentic version of yourself. The version that respects and values themselves first, thereby commanding respect from others.