Not to spoil it all before we get started, but it all comes down to having a sense of self by ensuring your beliefs are your own.

But I suppose it never hurts to have a step by step guide on how you can do that.

Because what does that even mean, anyway? To have a sense of self?

To have an opinion?

Let’s get crack-a-lackin’, if you want to be more confident in life, say goodbye to these 10 behaviors.

1) Negative self-talk

As someone who has made nearly a 180 in the confidence department, the first step was addressing my relationship with myself.

Including how I spoke to, and about myselves – plural because your past and future deserve love too.

Now, positivity can’t be meaningful unless it has direction. You can’t expect yourself to grow if you don’t even know how you want to grow.

It was a long process for me to notice all the ways I would cut myself down because it came so naturally to me.

As a place to start, learn how to describe yourself. It’s how you can train your mind to notice all the ways that contradict it.

Talk to yourself like you’re on a talk show! Or write letters to yourself about anything and read them over.

Once you’re more aware, it will be clear how you can navigate the world better to find opportunities and people that appreciate your self-love.

2) Not having an opinion

Having a sense of self starts with knowing what you believe in.

So what do you believe in? What are your opinions?

What do you think life’s about?

Because you’re allowed to think about these things. And better yet, you’re allowed to change your opinions if it feels fit down the road.

I find that a lot of people tend to avoid having a say because they think they aren’t qualified to. Or because they believe ignorance is bliss.

Which makes them not think about where they spend their money, attention, or what goes on behind the scenes during certain political turmoils.

Essentially becoming a puppet to those in power without realizing!

So if you want to be more confident, start acknowledging your privileges and exercise those rights.

You’d be surprised by how powerful you can feel when you are more aware.

3) Seeking external validation

We all need validation!

Because it is a part of how we allow ourselves to be supported by our communities and surround ourselves with people who are uplifting.

However, it’s when you start seeking validation in a mindless way that can damage your confidence over time.

Counteracting this starts with you discovering what you’re about like I mentioned before. But it is sustained in the way you take your time to decide where you want to be.

Your validation will slowly begin from within, so when you do reach out for additional support you can trust in what you receive from others.

This is how I was able to regain my social battery and start opening up emotionally again.

And stop engaging with people who required me to sacrifice myself in order to feel like I belonged.

4) Constantly apologizing

By giving others the emotional support that they can’t provide themselves, it’s not strange to find a sense of validation taking on that role of “nurturer.”

But it’s just another form of external validation that will only harm your idea of yourself.

Not to mention, it takes away sincerity from when you truly want to take accoutnabiltiy for yourself.

Because accountability that’s rooted in shame only serves to be more perfect, not grow in an authentic way.

Constantly apologizing can also be a form of over accommodating – also known as, not knowing how to say “no.”

Almost as if your chronic guilt and shame are manifesting into behaviors that also keep others from keeping themselves accountable.

5) Impostor syndrome

Impostor syndrome is defined as a feeling of anxiety where you never feel like your successes belong to you.

And that can make embodying confidence really hard. You might even feel like you’re always performing instead of truly living.

Which can lead to chronic burnout because you don’t have an internal inventory of positive experiences to use as reference for when the going gets tough.

As someone who still deals with this, I really encourage you to externalize the fear of not being good enough by asking for help.

I also suggest taking a serious look at your life and see if your environment is contributing to this.

For example, is your work environment the type to ask for a lot with very little compensation?

Was your childhood filled with conditional praise that caused you to forfeit your own identity?

Or perhaps your friends secretly compete with you and don’t seem interested in celebrating the littlest of accomplishments.

Whatever it may be, these are ways to instill a mindset that is never satisfied.

6) Comparing yourself to others

They don’t say that comparison is the thief of joy for nothing!

A lot of my confidence was built on the foundation that we are all on our journeys. And that means you must own your life and be proud of how far it’s gotten you.

Which has motivated me to make better choices that I can look back on and be grateful of.

I’m invested in my character arc!

Not only that, making goals that make you feel superior to others will result in a lot of shallow connections.

It’s why people who are successful through excessive networking are so lonely despite being so social.

By investing your mental energy better, not only will you feel more present, but you’ll see how your ego can be something you can control.

7) Humbling yourself

There are plenty of other people who will do that for you.

So spend your precious time and energy elsewhere. Invest it in activities and habits that will make you feel good about yourself.

For example, putting people’s negative opinions on mute when they say you shouldn’t try a new career.

Once you take note of how different companies and activities alter your perception, you’ll start seeing confidence as openness.

And humbling yourself will be something you do to prioritize your health, instead of making already insecure people comfortable.

It will also help you feel good every time you express how you truly feel.

Because how can you engage in self-discovery if you aren’t giving yourself something to discover?

8) Holding back when you want to express yourself

I used to hold back when I wanted to stand up for myself.

Or I’d keep my mouth shut because I thought my commentary would be seen as annoying even though it was as harmless as what I thought of the weather.

Saying whatever you want isn’t the point here, but rather acting from a place of inspiration versus fear.

It may seem like your silence isn’t hurting your confidence in the moment. But it just sort of confirms this idea that you are “annoying unless.”

To not believe in your ideas because you’d rather make space for people who don’t want to make space for you.

9) Lack of self-care

Self-care is like writing yourself love letters and keeping that spark alive!

Don’t see it as something you have to earn, or something that is medicinal to your exhaustion. You are entitled to self-care practices like you are entitled to breathing.

However, I will say that self-care can be destructive when it is reckless.

For example, people calling impulsive financial decisions as “inner child care.” Your inner child will be upset when you can’t afford groceries next week.

So remember that self-care should be something that your future self can thank you for.

Healthy and consistent self-care can help you manage your emotions better, and in general have faith in your ability to make decisions.

Which means sometimes, prioritizing your long-term stability is better than doing things in the name of dopamine.

10) Resistance to change

A resistance to change can affect the way you deal with everything.

Including your relationships and your personal growth journey because it affects the way you process your mistakes.

Which affects how you keep yourself and others accountable.

I also believe that if you feel a need to change, it means you’re more than capable of it.

By avoiding it and resorting to these behaviors above, of course it would affect your confidence.

What you avoid will trickle down to your subconscious and it can manifest in ways that feel out of your control.

So if you want to be more confident, you must start embracing change by claiming your power where you can.

Accept what you can’t change, and you will discover what you can.

I keep mentioning the consequences of being insecure in the “long run”

That’s because true confidence isn’t about feeling great all the time. You will feel fluctuations in your self-worth, but how you respond to those is what will speak more on your character.

And I want you to start seeing these never ending cycles as a blessing. It means you’re still alive, capable of doing better.

Once you accept the journey that is life, you will begin to relish the beauty of patience.

And reap all the benefits of being confident by investing in yourself.