Accepting compliments should be easy, right? But for some of us, it’s a struggle.

We deflect, downplay, or outright deny the kind words aimed our way.

This struggle often boils down to our upbringing.

Certain challenges in our formative years can instill in us a difficulty in accepting praise.

If you’re one of those who squirms at the thought of a compliment, you might find these 10 challenges from your past familiar.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane and unpack why you might be uncomfortable with compliments.

1) Conditional praise

One of the biggest challenges in our upbringing that can make us struggle with accepting compliments is conditional praise.

Perhaps compliments were rare or came with conditions.

Maybe they were given one day, only to be taken away the next based on your behavior, performance, or any other arbitrary standard.

Conditional praise is when compliments are only given when you fulfill a particular condition or expectation.

You know, the classic “good job, but…” scenario.

This can train us to always expect a ‘but’, a caveat, or some kind of criticism following a compliment.

As adults, we may continue to brace ourselves for that negative follow-up every time someone says something nice about us. 

You might doubt the sincerity of compliments or wait for the other shoe to drop, expecting the positive feedback to be followed by criticism or rejection.

This makes it hard for us to trust and accept compliments as they are given.

It’s not about your worthiness of praise, but rather about the shaky foundation on which your acceptance of praise was built.

Recognizing this pattern from your past can be the first step in learning how to gracefully accept compliments in the future.

2) Lack of positive reinforcement

Growing up, my house was not one where compliments were freely given.

It’s not that my parents didn’t love me or appreciate my efforts, they just didn’t express it in words of affirmation.

This lack of positive reinforcement meant that when I did receive a compliment, it was unexpected and sometimes uncomfortable.

I didn’t know how to respond because I wasn’t used to hearing positive things about myself.

Even now, I sometimes catch myself deflecting compliments instead of accepting them gracefully.

It’s a challenge I’ve had to work on overcoming, but understanding where it stems from has been a key part of the process.

3) A modest environment or culture

Sometimes, the inability to accept compliments stems from being raised in an environment that valued modesty to an extreme extent.

In many cultures around the world, humility and modesty are highly valued.

Often, this means downplaying personal achievements and deflecting compliments.

In such a setting, accepting compliments might have been seen as a sign of arrogance or conceit.

You might have been taught to downplay your achievements and deflect praise.

In Japan, for instance, it is common to respond to a compliment by saying something like “not at all” or “I still have a long way to go”.

The idea is to avoid appearing arrogant or boastful.

Growing up in such a culture can lead to discomfort to accept compliments as an adult because you’ve been conditioned to brush them off or downplay them.

It’s not about denying your worth, but about adhering to cultural norms and expectations.

Ironically, what was meant to instill humility can sometimes foster self-doubt and difficulty in acknowledging one’s worth.

Recognizing this can help you understand that accepting a compliment does not equate to boasting or arrogance, but is rather a healthy recognition of your abilities and accomplishments.

4) Constant criticism

Sometimes, our upbringing is filled with more criticism than compliments.

The scales are tipped towards pointing out what’s wrong, rather than what’s right.

Whether it’s from parents, teachers, or coaches, if most of the feedback you received was negative, it’s no wonder that compliments feel strange or even suspicious.

You might find yourself questioning the motives behind the praise or doubting its sincerity.

Breaking this cycle involves acknowledging this pattern from your past and working towards accepting compliments with gratitude rather than skepticism.

5) Perfectionism

 

Did you grow up in an environment where only the best was good enough?

If so, you might have developed perfectionist tendencies.

Perfectionism can make it hard to accept compliments because nothing ever feels good enough.

Even if someone praises you, you might be thinking about the one thing you could have done better.

This focus on constant improvement can be a double-edged sword.

It pushes you to strive for excellence, but it can also rob you of the ability to appreciate and accept compliments about your achievements.

Learning to balance self-improvement with self-acceptance is key.

6) Feelings of unworthiness

At the heart of the struggle to accept compliments, oftentimes, lies a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.

Maybe you were made to feel that you were never good enough, or maybe your achievements were undervalued or overlooked.

This can lead to a self-image where compliments don’t align with how you see yourself.

It’s a painful challenge to face, but acknowledging it is the first step towards healing.

Remember, you are worthy of praise, and it’s okay to let those positive words in. You deserve them.

7) High achiever syndrome

I’ve always been a high achiever. Straight A’s in school, top performer at work, the one who always goes the extra mile.

But with that came an unexpected side effect – I started to believe that I had to earn compliments.

When you’re constantly pushing yourself to achieve, it can feel like compliments are just acknowledgements of what you’re supposed to be doing.

Anything less feels like failure, and praise feels undeserved unless it’s for something exceptional.

It’s taken me time to realize that it’s okay to receive compliments for the everyday things too – for being kind, for showing up, for trying my best.

Not everything has to be a monumental achievement to be worthy of praise.

8) Fear of arrogance

Some of us were raised with the notion that accepting a compliment equates to being arrogant or conceited.

The fear of appearing self-absorbed can make us instinctively deflect or reject compliments.

In reality, there’s a huge difference between self-confidence and arrogance.

Accepting a compliment with grace is simply acknowledging someone else’s positive perception of you, not an act of inflated self-importance.

Understanding this distinction can help you feel more comfortable receiving compliments and expressing gratitude for them.

9) Compliments as a manipulative tool

Here’s an interesting fact: compliments are often used as a manipulative tool by those seeking to control or influence others.

If, during your childhood, compliments were used primarily as a means to manipulate your behavior or decisions, you might struggle to accept compliments as an adult.

You may associate praise with manipulation or ulterior motives, causing you to question the intentions behind any compliment that you receive.

This can make it challenging for you to take compliments at face value and genuinely appreciate them.

Understanding this can help you realize that not all compliments come with strings attached, and it’s okay to accept them without suspicion.

10) Lack of self-love and acceptance

Ultimately, the root of struggling to accept compliments often boils down to a lack of self-love and acceptance.

If you don’t value and appreciate yourself, it’s hard to believe that others do.

Learning to love and accept yourself, with all your strengths and flaws, is fundamental.

It’s a journey that takes time, but it’s worth it.

Because once you start to see your own value, you’ll find it easier to accept that others see it too. And those compliments?

They’ll start to feel like the affirmations of your worth that they truly are.

Final thoughts: It’s a journey

The struggle to accept compliments is not a standalone issue.

It’s intricately linked to how we were raised, our self-perception, and our relationship with ourselves.

These challenges we’ve discussed are not definitive markers of everyone’s experience, but they serve as a reflection point.

They help us understand why compliments might make us squirm and how our upbringing plays into that.

The great news is, understanding is the first step towards change.

And change is possible. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion, but we can learn to accept compliments with grace and gratitude.

So the next time someone compliments you, take a moment.

Breathe it in. Say thank you. Because you are worthy of that praise.

Your journey of accepting compliments is not just about dealing with words of praise.

It’s about embracing your worth, acknowledging your achievements, and most importantly, learning to love yourself more.

Remember, every compliment you accept is a step towards self-love and acceptance.

And that’s a journey worth embarking on.