If you recognize these 8 subtle signs, you’re probably in a dysfunctional relationship

Tina Fey by Tina Fey | July 23, 2024, 4:55 pm

Navigating the waters of a relationship isn’t always smooth sailing. As Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert, I’ve seen it all. And sometimes, the signs of a dysfunctional relationship can be subtle.

The key is recognizing these signs for what they are. Spotting them gives you a chance to make a choice – should you stay and work things out or should you consider leaving?

In this article, we’re going to delve into 8 subtle signs that indicate you might be in a dysfunctional relationship.

Remember, it’s not about blaming or shaming. It’s about empowering you with knowledge so you can make informed decisions about your love life. So buckle up, and let’s get started.

1) Walking on eggshells

We’ve all been there. That feeling of having to tread carefully, like you’re walking on eggshells, so as not to upset your partner.

It’s a common experience in many relationships, but it’s also a sign that things might not be quite right.

A healthy relationship should feel safe and secure, not like you’re constantly navigating a minefield.

If you find yourself constantly worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing, then it might be time to take a step back and reassess.

This isn’t about the occasional argument or disagreement. All relationships have those. It’s about a pervasive sense of unease and fear of triggering an outsized reaction.

2) You’re always the one to apologize

As a relationship expert, I’ve seen this time and again. One person consistently takes on the burden of making amends, even when they weren’t in the wrong.

If you’re always the one saying sorry, it might be a sign that the balance in your relationship is off.

A relationship should be a two-way street, with both partners taking responsibility for their actions.

If you find that you’re always apologizing, even when you feel you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s worth reflecting on why that is.

In a healthy relationship, expressing your feelings shouldn’t lead to guilt or the need to constantly apologize.

So consider this: if you’re perpetually the one apologizing, it might be a subtle sign your relationship isn’t as balanced as it should be.

3) You feel drained, not energized

In my years of counseling couples and individuals, and even in my own experience, I’ve found that relationships should enrich your life, not deplete it.

If you often find yourself feeling emotionally drained after interacting with your partner, it’s a sign that something’s not quite right.

Relationships should bring joy, energy, and support. They should make you feel stronger and more vibrant.

If instead, you’re constantly feeling worn out or emotionally exhausted, it may be time to look at why that is.

I explore this concept in more depth in my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

I encourage you to give it a read if this point resonates with you. It provides practical advice and guidance on how to break free from draining patterns and build a healthier relationship dynamic.

Remember, your relationship should add to your life’s happiness, not subtract from it.

4) You’re happiest when your partner isn’t around

It might sound odd, but one of the subtle signs of a dysfunctional relationship is actually feeling happier, lighter, or more at ease when your partner isn’t around.

Yes, you heard it right.

Sure, we all cherish our alone time. It’s healthy and necessary.

But if you consistently find yourself breathing a sigh of relief when your partner leaves the room or goes out of town, it could be indicative of deeper issues.

Relationships should enhance your life, not make it more stressful. If you’re regularly feeling a sense of relief or freedom when your partner is away, then it might be time to examine why that is.

Remember, sometimes the most telling signs are the ones that seem counterintuitive at first glance.

5) You no longer share common goals

In my own journey and from working with many couples, I’ve realized the importance of having shared goals in a relationship. It’s what helps you grow together and keeps the relationship vibrant and forward-moving.

But if you find that over time, your goals and your partner’s have become increasingly divergent, it might be a sign that the two of you are growing apart.

Maybe at the start of the relationship, you both wanted the same things.

But now, you’re dreaming of buying a house in the country while your partner can’t wait to move into a downtown apartment. Or you’re eager to start a family, but your partner is more interested in focusing on their career.

Having different individual goals is perfectly normal. But if there’s no longer any overlap or common ground in what you both want for your shared future, it can lead to feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction.

So take a moment to reflect on your shared dreams and aspirations. If they’re no longer in sync, it might be time for a heart-to-heart discussion.

6) You’re not you anymore

Here’s the raw truth: if you no longer recognize yourself since being in the relationship, it’s a telling sign that things are off.

A healthy relationship allows both individuals to maintain their own identity while also developing as a couple. But if you find that you’ve changed, and not in a positive way, it’s time to take note.

Maybe you’ve stopped doing things you love, or started to compromise your values to keep the peace. Or perhaps your confidence has taken a hit and you’re second-guessing yourself more than ever.

If the person staring back at you in the mirror feels like a stranger, it’s a sign that the relationship might be losing its healthiness.

Remember, a relationship should enhance who you are, not diminish or change you in ways that make you uncomfortable.

7) There’s more criticism than compliments

During my early days of dating, I remember my grandmother sharing a piece of advice that has stayed with me: “In a good relationship, compliments should outnumber criticisms.”

And she was right.

If you find that your interactions with your partner are filled with more criticisms than compliments, it could be a subtle sign of dysfunction.

Everyone needs constructive feedback from time to time, but constant nitpicking or harsh criticism can erode your self-esteem and breed resentment.

The legendary poet Maya Angelou had a wonderful quote that applies here: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

If your partner’s words often leave you feeling small, inadequate, or unappreciated, it might be time to have a serious conversation about the nature of your relationship.

8) You’re constantly justifying their behavior to others

Let’s be brutally honest here. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior to your friends, family, or even to yourself, it’s a sure sign that something’s not right.

Whether it’s justifying their rude behavior at a party, making excuses for their lack of consideration, or brushing off their mean-spirited comments as ‘just jokes’, constantly covering up for your partner is not healthy.

Relationships are about respect, understanding, and love. If you’re continually faced with having to explain away your partner’s actions, it’s time to pause and ask yourself why that is.

Remember, it’s not your job to make excuses for someone else’s behavior. A truly healthy relationship doesn’t need constant justification.

Wrapping up

Recognizing these subtle signs of a dysfunctional relationship isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial step in taking control of your love life.

Whether you recognize one or several of these signs in your relationship, it’s important to address the issues head-on.

And if you need extra support, I encourage you to check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s packed with practical advice and strategies to help you navigate through these challenges.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step towards change. Here’s to healthier, happier relationships for us all.

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