Love can be quite complex, don’t you think? Sometimes, we might believe we’re in love, but are we truly?

Or perhaps it’s just a case of being infatuated, feeling comfortable, or even fearing solitude?

The reality is, genuine love isn’t always crystal clear.

It often requires us to step back and assess our relationship to truly grasp its nature—to notice those subtle signs that maybe our love wasn’t as deep as we thought.

Having spent years running the Love Connection blog and working as a relationship expert, I’ve encountered these 7 signs repeatedly.

And in this article, I want to share them with you.

Fret not—it’s better to realize this now than to continue down a path of uncertainty and heartache.

1) Constant bickering

Every couple has their fair share of disagreements—it’s a natural part of sharing your life with someone else.

However, there’s a stark contrast between occasional spats and constant bickering.

If you find yourselves constantly at odds, it could be a red flag that something deeper is amiss in your relationship.

Sometimes, trivial arguments serve as a smokescreen for more significant issues we’re avoiding.

Other times, these disputes may be a manifestation of underlying dissatisfaction with the relationship itself.

No matter what, if you find yourselves always bickering and unable to have a peaceful conversation, it might be time to take a moment to truly reflect on your feelings and see if the love is still there.

2) You feel indifferent

It might seem strange, but feeling indifferent can be a telling sign that you never genuinely loved each other.

We often associate lack of love with negative emotions—anger, sadness, frustration.

But sometimes, the absence of any emotion is the most alarming sign.

If you find yourself feeling indifferent towards your partner’s happiness, their feelings, or even their presence in your life, it’s a red flag.

Love, genuine love, is associated with passion and care. It’s about being invested in each other’s lives and being affected by each other’s feelings.

Indifference, on the other hand, suggests a lack of emotional attachment.

It indicates that you might not be as committed or emotionally invested as a loving relationship requires.

3) You’re more in love with the idea of them

This one is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s crucial.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the idea of a person or the concept of being in a relationship that we mistake it for genuine love.

If you’re more enamored with the idea of your partner than who they truly are—their quirks, flaws, and all—then you might not genuinely love them.

The truth is, genuine love isn’t about loving an idealized version of someone.

It’s about loving the real person, with all their strengths and weaknesses.

In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into this concept.

But for now, remember: if you’re constantly trying to mold your partner into your ideal version of them, or if you’re more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than the person you’re with, it might be a sign that you never genuinely loved each other.

4) You don’t feel like yourself

In a healthy and loving relationship, you should feel like the best version of yourself.

You should feel loved, respected, and free to be who you truly are.

But if you’re constantly feeling like you have to change or hide parts of yourself, it could be a sign that you’re not in a genuinely loving relationship.

As Oscar Wilde wisely said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Genuine love encourages authenticity, not imitation or pretense.

I’ve seen it numerous times in my line of work: people losing themselves in relationships, becoming someone they’re not just to keep the peace or please their partner.

If this resonates with you, take a step back and ask yourself: Am I still me in this relationship? Or have I become a version of myself I don’t even recognize?

If it’s the latter, it might be that you never genuinely loved each other. Instead, you loved the person you thought you had to be to keep them.

5) You’re not excited about the future together

In a truly loving relationship, the prospect of a future with your partner should elicit feelings of joy and anticipation.

You should be able to imagine a life together, brimming with shared dreams and aspirations.

However, if the idea of a future together fills you with dread or indifference, it could signify that the love between you was never genuine.

In my personal experience, being in love means eagerly anticipating the opportunity to embark on new adventures and reach milestones with my partner.

Each forward step is a shared journey we’re excited to undertake together.

Yet, if you find yourself more enthused about your individual future rather than the potential future you could share as a couple, it may be time to confront some challenging questions about your emotions.

6) Your partner doesn’t make you a better person

In the words of the great Maya Angelou, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

In other words, genuine love should inspire growth and make you a better person.

A loving partner should be your strongest supporter, motivating you to improve and evolve positively.

In my own experience, those I deeply care for are the ones who inspire me to strive for improvement every single day.

They challenge me, stand by me through thick and thin, and accept me for who I am while also nurturing my growth towards who I could become.

If your relationship lacks this dynamic, it’s important to set aside some time for introspection.

Take a moment to delve into your heart and determine if the love between you is still alive and strong. 

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7) You’re relieved when they’re not around

Perhaps the most candid and revealing sign of all is when their absence brings a sense of relief.

In a truly loving relationship, your partner’s presence should bring you comfort and happiness.

You should eagerly anticipate spending time with them and feel a sense of longing when they’re not around.

However, if you notice yourself feeling lighter, more at ease, or more like your true self when they’re not present, it’s a clear indication that something isn’t quite right.

Now, it’s perfectly natural to cherish some alone time—everyone needs it.

But if you constantly find yourself feeling happier or more relaxed when you’re apart, it’s worth considering whether genuine love exists between you.

True love feels like finding your way home.

It should never feel like a relief or escape when your partner isn’t by your side.

Understanding and reflecting

Love is a deep emotion that can lift us up or leave us shattered.

Recognizing the signs that genuine love may have been absent isn’t about assigning blame or dwelling in regret; it’s about gaining understanding and evolving.

In the journey of grappling with these intricate emotions, it’s essential to acknowledge that every encounter shapes us.

Each one teaches us more about ourselves and helps clarify what we seek in a partner.

And hey! There’s a video by Justin Brown that beautifully captures this idea.

In it, he delves into the complexities of finding a life partner, drawing from his own experiences and offering invaluable insights gained along the way.

From the importance of shared values to the mutual support necessary for growth, his reflections resonate deeply for anyone navigating the often tumultuous terrain of love and relationships.

In conclusion, discovering these signs in your relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed or wasted your time.

It simply means you’ve learned something valuable about yourself and what genuine love means to you.