Gaslighting: we all know it’s when someone tries to mess with our head, making us doubt our own memories or thoughts, but have you ever wondered where this word comes from? 

It’s actually from an old movie called Gaslight, made way back in 1944. In the movie, a husband tries to make his wife think she’s losing her mind. 

Anyway, fun facts aside, it’s super important to spot when someone’s trying to gaslight you, especially when they’re being sneaky about it. 

With this in mind, today, we get into seven less obvious signs that someone might be doing this. 

I really wish I had known about these sooner; it would have saved me a lot of headaches.

Let’s get into it. 

1) They shift blame

This one’s a big one. Covert gaslighters are experts at shifting blame.

They’ll make it seem like your feelings or thoughts are just you overreacting or being irrational. It’s a sneaky way to make you doubt yourself.

For instance, they might throw out passive-aggressive phrases like “Calm down” or “Why are you getting so upset” when you bring up something that bothers you. 

These phrases are their way of dismissing your concerns without addressing them directly.

How to handle this

Dr. Daniel S. Lobel, a clinical psychologist, lays out three main strategies to tackle this kind of behavior:

• Confrontation: This doesn’t mean getting aggressive. Instead, it’s about being firm and clear. Let them know you’re aware of what they’re doing and that it’s not okay. It’s important to stand your ground.
• Don’t take it personally: Remember, their behavior says more about them than it does about you. Try not to let their words get under your skin.
• Focus on the event, not the person’s character: When you address the issue, talk about the specific event or action that bothered you, not their overall personality. This keeps the conversation from turning into an attack, which can lead to more defensiveness.

2) They seem to have selective forgetfulness

Ever noticed how some people seem to “forget” things conveniently? 

It’s like they have a memory only when it suits them. They’ll make promises or agree to something and then act like it never happened. 

This can really make you start second-guessing your own memory. You might hear them say things like, “I never said that” or “I honestly don’t recall that at all—are you sure?”

This isn’t just annoying behavior; it’s a classic tactic to throw you off and make you question your sanity.

Experts like Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, an author and counselor, have pointed out that some gaslighters will even flat-out deny ever saying something, even if you have solid proof. 

Of course, covert narcissists are usually more organized than this, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with, but here are a few tips. 

How to handle this

Handling someone’s selective forgetfulness can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. Here are some strategies to consider:

• Keep records: If it’s important, write it down or keep a digital record. This can be helpful in both personal and professional settings. Having tangible proof can make it harder for the gaslighter to deny their words or actions.
• Stay calm: It’s easy to get frustrated or upset when someone denies their own words, but staying calm can prevent the situation from escalating. Respond with facts and evidence, not emotions.
• Set boundaries: Let the person know that this behavior is not acceptable. You might say something like, “I’m confident in what I heard and remember. It’s important to me that we both acknowledge what was said and agreed upon.”

Just keep in mind that you’re not trying to win an argument; you’re trying to maintain your sense of reality and truth in the relationship.

3) They give backhanded compliments

Picture this: someone tells you, “You’re pretty smart for someone who didn’t go to college.” Sounds sort of like a compliment, right? 

But there’s a sting to it. 

These twisted compliments are a classic move by covert gaslighters. They seem to be lifting you up, but the underlying message often leaves you feeling small or doubting your worth.

How to handle this

When faced with a backhanded compliment, it can be tricky to know the best response. Here are a few tips:

• Recognize it for what it is: Understanding that it’s a form of manipulation and not genuine praise is the first step.
• Don’t let it rattle you: A composed response or even silence can be powerful.
• Address it if necessary: If it’s someone you need to interact with regularly and the behavior persists, consider a calm conversation about how their words make you feel.

4) They casually undermine your suggestions

Let me tell you about a guy I worked with in finance. Let’s call him “John.” 

John had a knack for making you feel like your take on things was always a bit off. No matter the situation, he’d find a way to discredit your experiences or feelings. 

For example, I once suggested a new approach to a financial model we were working on. I was pretty excited about the potential improvements. John listened quietly and then, with a slight shrug, said, “I used to think that way when I was new here. You’ll see why it won’t work.” 

His response, seemingly casual, subtly undermined my idea, making me doubt my own insights and contributions.

How to handle this

What worked for me was standing firm in my perspective. I learned to assert my experiences without leaving room for John’s invalidations. It’s about trusting your gut and knowing your truth is valid, regardless of attempts to belittle it.

John didn’t just stop at invalidating experiences. He also had a habit of doing this next thing.

5) They withhold information

Did you know that a lot of folks struggle to get the info they need from their co-workers? 

As reported by Harvard Business Review, 60% of employees find it tough to get crucial details from their colleagues. 

But of course, this is not limited to work; it can also happen in personal relationships. 

When someone intentionally leaves out important bits of information or keeps it in the dark, it’s not just frustrating; it can make you doubt your own understanding of the situation. 

It’s a classic move for someone who’s trying to keep you off balance.

How to handle this

Dealing with someone who withholds information requires a bit of tact and strategy. Here’s what you might consider doing:

• Ask direct questions: Sometimes, being straightforward and asking for the specific information you need can help. It’s harder for someone to withhold info when you’re being clear about what you’re after.
• Reach out to others: If you suspect you’re not getting the full story, it can be helpful to verify details with other colleagues or sources just to make sure you’ve got all the facts.

6) They twist facts

We all know someone who has a knack for bending the truth just enough to make things seem a little different from how they actually happened. 

It’s like they have their own version of events where the details are subtly tweaked to make their story sound better or to shift the blame away from themselves.

This twisting of facts can be especially disorienting because it often contains a grain of truth, making it harder to outright dismiss their version of the story. 

But when you start noticing that their tales consistently paint them in a more favorable light or absolve them of responsibility, it’s a red flag that you’re dealing with manipulation.

How to handle this

Like the others, dealing with this can be tricky, but here are a few strategies that might help:

• Trust your memory: It’s easier said than done, but if you’re sure about what happened, stick to your guns. Don’t let someone else’s altered narrative make you doubt your own experiences.
• Get a second (or third) opinion: If possible, get input from others who were present. This can help you confirm the accuracy of your own recollections and challenge the twisted version of events.
• Document details: Again, for important interactions, keeping written records can be invaluable. Notes, emails, and texts can serve as a reference point if someone tries to twist past events.

7) They slowly isolate you

Bit by bit, gaslighters find ways to wedge themselves between us and our support system, making us more and more dependent on them. It starts so subtly that we might not even notice it happening. 

This isn’t about being protective or caring; it’s a calculated move to isolate us. 

The danger of this is how it erodes our sense of reality and self-worth. Without our usual sounding boards, we’re left with only their voice, which can skew our perception and make us doubt our own judgments. 

It’s often a slow and insidious process. Recognizing what’s happening early on and taking action is crucial. 

How to handle this 

Breaking free from isolation requires reconnecting with your support network and reestablishing your independence. Here’s how:

• Reach out: Start small if you need to, but begin rekindling relationships with friends and family. A simple message or call can open the door again.
• Set boundaries: Make it clear to the person isolating you that your relationships with others are non-negotiable. It’s about taking back control.
• Seek support: If the isolation has taken a toll, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Sometimes, an external perspective can provide the clarity and support you need to break free.

The bottom line 

Dealing with a gaslighter, especially a covert one, is no simple task. These manipulators are adept at disguising their intentions, making it challenging to identify and confront their behavior. 

If you recognize these signs in someone close to you or in a professional setting, it’s crucial to take action to protect your mental and emotional well-being.

You deserve to be heard, respected, and treated with honesty and integrity in all your relationships.

As always, I hope you found this post valuable. 

Until next time.