If you recognize these 9 behaviors, you grew up in a family of poor communicators

Isabella Chase by Isabella Chase | December 13, 2024, 8:04 pm

Remember those family dinners where no one ever seemed to say what they really meant? Maybe disagreements were brushed under the rug, or conversations were one-sided. 

Growing up in a family of poor communicators is more common than we think, and the signs are often subtle but significant. 

From passive-aggressive comments to avoiding difficult conversations altogether, these behaviors can shape how you communicate as an adult. 

This article dives into the tell-tale signs of dysfunctional communication patterns and how to address them in your own life.

Stay tuned for some eye-opening insights.

1) Unresolved conflicts

We’ve all been there. A disagreement or argument occurs, tempers flare, and then…nothing. No resolution, no real conclusion, just an awkward silence that lingers like a bad smell.

Rather than addressing the issue at hand and finding a resolution, the problem is swept under the carpet and ignored.

This behavior can lead to a buildup of resentment and unresolved issues that can persist for years, even decades. 

It can create a toxic environment where family members are walking on eggshells, afraid to express their feelings or opinions for fear of causing another argument.

2) Lack of emotional expression

In my own experience, growing up in a household where emotions were rarely expressed openly was pretty tough.

My parents were the epitome of the ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality. Discussions about feelings or emotions were as rare as a blue moon. “Children are seen and not heard,” was a phrase often repeated in our house.

This lack of emotional expression made it difficult for me to understand and articulate my own feelings as I grew older. 

It took a lot of self-reflection and personal growth to unlearn these patterns and become comfortable with expressing my emotions.

Just know that it’s never too late to learn new ways of expressing yourself and communicating more effectively.

3) Frequent misunderstandings

A telltale sign of poor communication within a family is the prevalence of misunderstandings.

These can range from minor disagreements to full-blown quarrels, all stemming from miscommunication or lack of clarity.

In fact, miscommunication is a common occurrence even in tight-knit families.

The research found that family members often overestimate their communication abilities, leading to misunderstandings.

4) One-sided conversations

One-sided conversations are when one person does most of the talking, while the other person is merely a passive listener. This can lead to feelings of being unheard or unimportant.

In a healthy communication environment, conversation should be a two-way street. Everyone should have an equal opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.

If the majority of your family discussions were dominated by one person, and you often felt like your voice didn’t matter, it’s likely you were in a family with subpar communication skills.

Acknowledging this is crucial to breaking the pattern and fostering healthier dialogues in your current and future relationships.

5) Avoidance of difficult topics

Do you recall certain subjects being off-limits in your family? Were there topics that were simply never discussed, even when they clearly needed to be?

Avoidance of difficult or sensitive topics is a red flag. This is often because these families lack the tools or skills to handle such conversations, resulting in a preference to avoid them altogether.

This avoidance can create an environment where family members feel they can’t be open or honest about their experiences or feelings, leading to feelings of isolation or misunderstanding.

6) Lack of validation and empathy

Growing up, did you often feel unheard, or like your feelings and experiences weren’t validated? This lack of validation and empathy is a clear sign of poor communication in a family.

In families with healthy communication, feelings are acknowledged and validated, even when they’re uncomfortable or difficult to understand.

Everyone’s experiences and emotions are treated as important and valid.

But in families of poor communicators, your feelings might have been dismissed, minimized, or even ridiculed.

This can be incredibly damaging, leading to feelings of worthlessness or invisibility.

7) Overuse of sarcasm or derision

In my upbringing, sarcasm was an often-used tool. It was the go-to method to diffuse tension or avoid addressing real issues. However, it often felt like a thinly veiled form of criticism.

Sarcasm, when overused, can become a form of derision that belittles others and stifles open communication. 

Instead of fostering understanding and empathy, it creates a hostile environment where people are afraid to express their feelings or views.

8) Non-verbal communication misalignment

Communication isn’t just about words. Non-verbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice play a significant role in how we understand each other.

In families that struggle to communicate, there’s often a misalignment between what is said and the non-verbal signals that accompany it. 

For instance, a family member might say they’re fine, but their body language or tone of voice suggests otherwise. This inconsistency can lead to confusion, misunderstanding, and mistrust.

9) Absence of active listening

The cornerstone of effective communication is active listening. It’s not merely about hearing the words spoken, but understanding the message behind them.

In families with poor communication, active listening is often absent. Family members may be physically present in conversations but not fully engaged.

They may interrupt, dismiss, or fail to acknowledge the speaker’s feelings or thoughts.

The good news is that active listening is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, allowing you to foster healthier and more effective communication in your current and future relationships.

Final thoughts: It’s about growth

Peeling back the layers of our family dynamics and communication styles can be a profound journey of self-discovery.

Often, our family of origin serves as our first model for how to communicate and relate to others. If that model was flawed, it can impact our interactions and relationships well into adulthood.

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “What is most personal is most universal.”

You’re not alone in grappling with the legacy of growing up in a family of poor communicators. It’s a shared experience for many.

The silver lining? Awareness is the first step towards change.

Recognizing these behaviors gives you the opportunity to learn, grow, and shape healthier communication habits moving forward.

There’s a certain empowerment in understanding your past, acknowledging its impact, and choosing to break the cycle.

You have the power to redefine what communication means to you.