Growing up with narcissistic parents can be a tough, often invisible struggle. It’s not always evident, as they can be masterful at hiding their manipulative ways behind a mask of superficial charm.

The tricky part is recognizing these signs and admitting to yourself that you are, indeed, a victim of this unspoken trauma.

Understanding these signs is your first step to healing and breaking free from the chains of your past. And trust me, there are certain tell-tale signs that can help you identify if you were indeed raised by narcissistic parents.

Here’s a quick rundown of nine signs that you probably grew up with narcissistic parents. Remember, acknowledging it is the first step towards reclaiming your life.

1) Everything revolves around them

Growing up, did you feel like your parents were the center of your universe? And not in the normal, parental-guidance-needed kind of way.

Narcissistic parents often make their children’s lives all about them. Their needs, their wants, their happiness. They have a way of turning the spotlight onto themselves, regardless of the situation.

This is often done subtly and can be wrapped up in a guise of apparent concern or involvement in your life. But if you take a closer look, you’ll see that it’s their needs and wants that are always being prioritized.

Recognizing this pattern is crucial. It’s the first step in understanding that growing up this way is not normal or healthy. It’s also a strong sign that you were raised by narcissistic parents.

Remember, it’s not about blaming, but about understanding and healing.

2) Lack of emotional support

One of the hardest things for me growing up was the lack of emotional support. I remember coming home from school one day, devastated because I’d been bullied. Instead of comfort or understanding, I was met with indifference.

My parents dismissed my feelings, saying things like “kids will be kids” or “you’re too sensitive”. It felt like my emotions were a nuisance to them, not something they should help me navigate.

This dismissal of my feelings was a regular occurrence in my childhood. It wasn’t just about the bullying incident; it was about every time I needed emotional support and didn’t get it.

Narcissistic parents often lack empathy and are unable to provide emotional support to their children. If you experienced something similar, it’s a strong indicator that you might have been raised by narcissistic parents.

3) Conditional love

The concept of unconditional love can seem alien to those who grew up with narcissistic parents. These parents often express their love based on their children’s success or compliance, rather than simply because they are their children.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that children of narcissistic parents felt more loved when they made their parents look good to others. This is because narcissistic parents often use their children as an extension of themselves, to boost their own image and ego.

If you felt like your parents’ love was contingent on your achievements or how well you represented them, it’s another sign of narcissistic parenting. The love from a parent should never be conditional. It should be a given, regardless of your actions or accomplishments.

4) Constant criticism

Narcissistic parents have a knack for making their children feel like they’re never good enough. There’s a constant stream of criticism, whether it’s about your appearance, your friends, your choices, or your achievements.

Instead of celebrating your success, they might downplay it or even find a way to turn it into a critique. A simple ‘well done’ can quickly become ‘you could have done better’ or ‘why didn’t you do it this way instead?’

This constant undermining can lead to low self-esteem and self-doubt in adulthood. If you grew up feeling like you were always under scrutiny and nothing you did was ever good enough, it’s likely you were raised by narcissistic parents.

5) Invalidation of your feelings

Your feelings are your own. They’re personal, they’re real, and they matter. But narcissistic parents have a tendency to dismiss or invalidate their children’s feelings.

You might have been told that you’re ‘overreacting’ or ‘being dramatic’ when you tried to express your feelings. Or maybe your parents brushed off your emotions as unimportant, making you feel like your feelings didn’t matter.

This can lead to difficulty in expressing emotions in adulthood, and even doubting your own feelings. If you find yourself second-guessing how you feel or struggling to express your emotions, it might be a sign that you were raised by narcissistic parents.

6) Emotional manipulation

The scars from emotional manipulation aren’t visible to the eye, but they cut deep. Narcissistic parents are often experts at using guilt, fear, or obligation to manipulate their children into doing what they want.

Maybe it was a guilt trip for wanting to spend time with friends, or fear instilled about exploring your own interests. These tactics were not about guiding you, but controlling you.

Growing up in this kind of environment can leave you feeling trapped, like a puppet on strings dancing to someone else’s tune. If this resonates with you, know that it’s not your fault. You were manipulated by those who were supposed to protect and nurture you – another sign of growing up with narcissistic parents.

7) Lack of boundaries

I recall how my parents would often go through my personal belongings, read my diary, or listen in on my phone calls. It always made me feel violated and like I had no personal space.

Narcissistic parents often disregard their children’s boundaries. This could be physical boundaries, like entering your room without knocking, or emotional ones, like not respecting your feelings and privacy.

This lack of boundaries can make it difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in adulthood. If you have a hard time setting boundaries or if your parents routinely ignored your boundaries growing up, it’s another indication of narcissistic parenting.

8) Frequent comparisons

‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ or ‘Your cousin would never do that.’ Sound familiar? Narcissistic parents often compare their children to others as a way to control and manipulate them.

These comparisons can create a sense of competition and unworthiness. It’s as though you’re constantly in a race you can never win, striving for an approval that always seems out of reach.

If you spent your childhood being unfavorably compared to siblings, cousins, or even parents’ friends’ children, it’s another sign of being raised by narcissistic parents. This kind of comparison is not about fostering growth but about creating doubt and insecurity.

9) Your achievements are their achievements

One of the most telling signs of a narcissistic parent is their habit of taking credit for their children’s accomplishments. Your hard-earned achievements become their bragging rights, a way for them to boost their own ego and image.

Whether it’s your academic success, artistic talents, or athletic prowess, a narcissistic parent will often make it about themselves. They’ll use phrases like ‘You got that from me’ or ‘I taught you well’, turning your accomplishment into their triumph.

This can leave you feeling robbed of your victories and the recognition you deserve. Remember, your achievements are yours and yours alone. You worked for them, and you should be the one to take credit for them.

Final thoughts: A journey towards healing

Recognizing the signs of narcissistic parenting can be a daunting and painful process. It often involves revisiting and re-evaluating our childhood experiences under a new light.

But remember, this recognition is not about blaming or dwelling in the past. It’s about understanding and acknowledging your experiences to heal and grow.

Children of narcissistic parents often carry emotional wounds into adulthood. But these wounds don’t define you. They’re part of your journey, not your destination.

The psychologist Carl Jung once said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” This sentiment is particularly poignant for those who grew up with narcissistic parents.

Just because your parents were narcissists doesn’t mean you are destined to be one. You have the power to break the cycle, to choose empathy over ego, understanding over criticism, and love over manipulation.

Recognizing these signs is a crucial first step on your path towards healing and self-discovery. And remember, it’s okay to seek professional help in navigating this journey. You are not alone, and most importantly, you are worthy of love and respect.