Let’s face it, we all crave validation. It’s human nature to want to be liked and valued.

But sometimes, that desire for external validation can become a chain that binds us, preventing true self-expression and growth.

Hello there, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and a dedicated mindfulness enthusiast. I’m here to tell you that it’s entirely possible – and liberating – to break free from these chains.

How, you ask? By saying goodbye to certain behaviors that keep us reliant on external validation.

In this article, I’ll be sharing the 8 key behaviors you need to let go of if you truly want to free yourself. Let’s dive in, shall we?

1) Seeking constant approval

Let’s start with the most common behavior that keeps us chained to external validation – the constant need for approval.

It’s like a drug, isn’t it? The more you get, the more you want.

This habit often stems from a lack of self-esteem. We look to others to fill that void, to tell us we’re good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

But here’s the catch – it’s a never-ending cycle. No amount of external validation can truly satiate that hunger.

Instead, it’s crucial to build our own self-worth and learn to validate ourselves.

Author and psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen suggests this:

“Start asking yourself questions like: What do I value? What keeps me awake at night? How is it that I prefer to spend my time?

Start to listen to what you really want for your life, and align your actions with your values, principles, and goals. When you live in line with what you value, your life becomes much simpler and more effortless.”

2) Comparing yourself to others

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve compared myself to someone else, I’d probably be sipping cocktails on a private island by now. It’s something we all do, often without even realizing it.

I’ll share a personal example. A few years ago, I found myself in a social gathering surrounded by people who seemed to have it all – successful careers, beautiful families, and material wealth.

And there I was, battling feelings of inadequacy and questioning my own achievements.

That night, I realized how damaging these comparisons can be. They make us lose sight of our own paths and hinder us from appreciating our own unique journeys.

Not only that, but according to the team at Charlie Waller Mental Health Resources, “‘Compare and despair’ thinking can contribute to anxiety, depression, shame, and envy. This leads to self-criticism and lack of self-worth, and it can undermine your confidence.”

Look, everyone has their own pace in life. Comparing your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 20 is not only unfair but also serves no purpose other than making you feel inadequate.

3) Living up to others’ expectations

Here’s the thing about expectations – they can often feel like a heavy weight on your shoulders, can’t they? Especially when they’re not really your own.

Many of us spend our lives trying to live up to the expectations of others – parents, partners, friends, society. But living in this way can lead us to lose touch with our true selves.

We end up living someone else’s life, rather than our own. And that’s no way to truly live.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve deeper into this issue.

I talk about how we can navigate through these external pressures and expectations and find our own true path.

Because at the end of the day, it’s your life. And you should be living it your way, according to your dreams and aspirations. Not someone else’s.

4) Fearing rejection

Fear of rejection is another behavior that keeps us chained to external validation.

It’s a fear deeply rooted in our psyche, often linked to our primal need for social acceptance. But allowing this fear to dictate our actions can lead us to make choices that are inauthentic and unfulfilling.

Here’s a practical way to tackle this: Start by recognizing the fear. Acknowledge its presence without judgment.

Then, challenge it. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

More often than not, you’ll find that the imagined consequences are far worse than the reality.

Rejection is a part of life. Not everyone will agree with your choices or ideas – and that’s okay. It doesn’t diminish your worth or your abilities.

5) Overthinking and self-doubt

Overthinking and self-doubt are like quicksand – the more you struggle with them, the deeper you sink.

These behaviors often stem from a fear of judgment or failure, and they can paralyze us, preventing us from taking action or making decisions.

The key to overcoming overthinking and self-doubt is to practice mindfulness. By staying present and focused on the task at hand, we can avoid getting caught up in the whirlpool of our thoughts.

Remember, everyone has moments of doubt. It’s a part of being human. What matters is how we handle these moments. Do we let them control us? Or do we acknowledge them and move forward regardless?

I think you know the answer to that.

6) Ignoring your own needs

Once, in a bid to please others and avoid conflict, I found myself saying ‘yes’ to things that I didn’t really want to do.

I ended up feeling drained and resentful, realizing too late that I had been ignoring my own needs and desires.

Putting others’ needs before our own might seem noble, but it’s not sustainable in the long run. It can lead to burnout and resentment, not to mention it undermines our own self-worth.

It’s important to set boundaries and make time for self-care. It’s okay to say ‘no’. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs. It doesn’t make you selfish – it makes you healthy.

7) Overvaluing material success

Now, this one might seem counter-intuitive. After all, material success is often seen as a marker of achievement, right?

But here’s the catch – when we overvalue material success, we risk attaching our self-worth to it. And that’s a dangerous game to play.

When our self-esteem is rooted in external factors like wealth or status, it becomes unstable. A dip in financial success can lead to a significant blow to our self-esteem.

And according to research, putting too much emphasis on material wealth undermines quality of life and leads to poorer well-being.

On the other hand, if our self-esteem is rooted in intrinsic factors like personal growth or kindness, it becomes much more stable and resilient.

So, by all means, aim for material success. But remember not to let it define your worth or happiness.

Focus instead on building a rich life in experiences and personal growth, rather than just material possessions. 

This brings me to the next point…

8) Neglecting personal growth

In our quest for external validation, we often neglect our own personal growth.

We become so focused on meeting others’ expectations that we forget to nurture our own mind, body, and spirit.

Personal growth is not just about acquiring new skills or knowledge. It’s about self-discovery, understanding your values and passions, and striving to be the best version of yourself.

So, take some time each day to invest in your personal growth. Read a book, meditate, exercise, learn something new.

Remember, you’re a work in progress, and every step you take towards personal growth is a step towards freeing yourself from the chains of external validation.

Final thoughts: It starts with you

Breaking free from the chains of external validation isn’t about trying to control how others see you—it’s about changing how you see yourself.

It’s about recognizing your worth as something that isn’t up for debate or dependent on anyone else’s approval.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I share strategies and insights to help you navigate through this journey and live a life that’s true to you, not dictated by others’ expectations or validations.

Remember, you are enough, just as you are. No one’s opinion can add to or diminish your inherent value.

The path to self-validation starts with self-love, and the beautiful thing is, self-love starts with you. Take that first step—it’s worth it.