When someone tells you “Good job!”, you feel a sense of accomplishment; likewise, you experience a sense of validation when someone tells you “I’m proud of you!”

Childhood experiences shape us in profound ways, often influencing how we view ourselves and interact with the world.

But what if those words were missing during your formative years? What if the validation and approval that you should have received as a child were absent?

If you grew up without much validation or approval, these early experiences may have quietly influenced your adult behaviors—you might be displaying certain patterns without even realizing it!

Here are 8 behaviors you might unknowingly display if you lacked validation and approval as a child:

1) You’re a people-pleaser

It’s almost like a reflex: You say “yes” when you want to say “no”.

You find yourself going out of your way to make others happy, even at the risk of your own happiness.

Why? Because as a child, you learned that pleasing others was the only way to get the validation and approval you craved.

So, you carried that behavior into adulthood, often without even realizing it.

And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to make others happy, it becomes a problem when it’s at the expense of your own happiness and well-being!

It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes—it’s not selfish, it’s self-care.

2) You struggle with self-esteem

Let me share a personal story with you: Growing up, I wasn’t the star athlete or the straight-A student.

I was just me—a kid who loved to draw and tell stories.

But, in a household where achievements were valued above all else, my small victories often went unnoticed—and that left me with a nagging feeling that I wasn’t good enough.

I had this thought that, in order to be worthy of love and attention, I had to excel in something noticeable, something quantifiable.

Fast forward to adulthood, and those feelings didn’t just disappear—they followed me like a shadow, constantly whispering insecurities into my ear.

It took me a long time to realize that my worth isn’t defined by my achievements but by who I am as a person, and it took even longer for me to start believing it.

Take it from me: Your worth is inherent—you don’t need to prove it to anyone!

3) You have a hard time accepting compliments

Compliments should be a good thing, right? A kind word, a pat on the back – they’re meant to make you feel good about yourself.

But for some of us, compliments are like hot potatoes—we don’t know what to do with them so we dodge, deflect, or downplay them.

Research in counseling suggests that if you grew up without much validation or approval, you might find it hard to accept compliments as an adult.

You’re just not used to them—they might even make you feel uncomfortable or suspicious, like there’s some hidden agenda behind them.

But here’s the thing: Most compliments are genuine as people give them because they mean them.

Instead of dismissing them, take a deep breath and say “thank you”.

It might feel awkward at first, but with practice, it gets easier!

4) You’re overly critical of yourself

Ever find yourself replaying conversations in your head, criticizing every word you said, or beating yourself up over a minor mistake that no one else probably noticed?

This kind of self-criticism can be a telltale sign of lacking validation and approval during childhood.

You might have internalized the idea that you’re not good enough and now hold yourself to impossibly high standards.

But here’s a little secret: Nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes because it’s part of being human!

5) You tend to over-apologize

I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m a chronic over-apologizer.

I say “sorry” when someone bumps into me, when I ask for help, or even when I’m just expressing my thoughts and feelings.

Sounds familiar?

Over-apologizing is a common behavior for those of us who lacked validation and approval as kids—it’s a way of saying, “I’m not worthy of taking up space or making demands.”

But here’s something I’ve learned: It’s okay to take up space, it’s okay to have needs, and it’s definitely okay to express your thoughts and feelings!

6) You’re fiercely independent

Independence is often seen as a strength—and it is!—but, sometimes, it can also be a defense mechanism.

If you lacked validation and approval as a child, you might have learned to rely solely on yourself.

You might have developed a mindset that asking for help is a sign of weakness, that you need to do everything on your own.

But the truth is: We all need help sometimes, and there’s no shame in asking for it.

Being independent is great, but remember, it’s okay to lean on others when you need to!

7) You’re constantly seeking approval

If you didn’t receive much validation or approval as a child, you might find yourself constantly seeking it in adulthood.

You might strive to be the best at everything you do, always going above and beyond to prove your worth.

But here’s the catch: approval from others is fleeting—it’s a temporary high that fades away all too quickly, leaving you feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Instead of seeking approval from others, try focusing on self-validation.

Celebrate your own achievements, no matter how small they might seem, and be proud of who you are and how far you’ve come!

8) You struggle with intimacy

Building deep, meaningful relationships involves vulnerability, and that can be terrifying if you lacked validation and approval as a child.

You might fear that showing your true self will lead to rejection or criticism.

But, remember, true intimacy is about being seen and accepted for who you are, flaws and all.

It’s about letting someone in and allowing them to see the real you.

Don’t let fear hold you back from forming authentic connections.

It’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to let people in, and—most importantly—it’s okay to be you!

Embracing the journey of self-awareness

If you’ve come this far, hopefully, you’ve gained some insight into the lasting impact of a lack of validation and approval during childhood.

It’s a complex issue, one that can manifest in various behaviors and patterns in adulthood.

But here’s the silver lining—awareness is the first step towards change.

Recognizing these behaviors in yourself is not a reason for self-judgment or criticism.

Rather, it’s an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Take a moment to reflect: your past experiences have shaped you, but they don’t define you—you have the power to break old patterns and create healthier ones.

Remember, it’s okay to seek help because you’re not alone; your family, friends, a therapist, and support groups are ready to support you through your journey.

Keep moving forward, keep growing, and—most importantly—keep believing in yourself!