The difference between a thriving relationship and a failing one can often come down to communication. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is to unknowingly shut down our partner’s feelings.

It’s all too easy to fall into harmful patterns that stifle emotional expression and intimacy. Breaking these habits is crucial if we want to keep the lines of communication open, and allow our partners to truly feel heard and understood.

In this article, I’m going to talk about 9 common habits that can lead to your partner feeling shut down. And trust me, if you’re serious about maintaining a healthy relationship, you’ll want to say goodbye to these habits pronto.

1) Dismissing emotions

In the realm of relationships, understanding and validating feelings is vital.

Often, without even realizing it, we engage in behavior that dismisses our partner’s emotions. This could be as simple as saying “don’t be upset” or “you’re overreacting”.

Sounds familiar? It’s known as emotional invalidation.

Emotional invalidation essentially negates your partner’s feelings. It makes them feel unheard, unimportant, and may lead to them shutting down emotionally.

The trick is to acknowledge your partner’s emotions. Instead of dismissal, try saying “I can see you’re really upset about this” or “Can you tell me more about why you’re feeling this way?”.

2) Interrupting constantly

Early in my relationship with my wife, I had this bad habit of interrupting her during our conversations. It was never intentional, and I certainly didn’t mean to be disrespectful. But, I was so eager to share my thoughts and ideas that I often didn’t give her the chance to finish hers.

Over time, she started becoming quieter during our discussions. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she felt unheard and unimportant. That was a wake-up call for me.

Interrupting someone while they are speaking sends a message that what we have to say is more important than what they are saying. It makes them feel like their feelings or thoughts don’t matter.

I made a conscious effort to break this habit. Now, whenever we’re having a conversation, I make it a point to wait until she’s done expressing her thoughts before I share mine. It has made a world of difference in our communication and overall relationship.

3) Being overly critical

Negativity can be a silent killer in relationships. It’s one thing to offer constructive feedback, but it’s another thing entirely to constantly focus on your partner’s flaws and mistakes.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, a healthy relationship should have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This means for every negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones to balance it out.

Instead of criticizing your partner for their shortcomings, try to focus on their strengths and the things they do right. Show appreciation and express positive feelings more often than you criticize. This way, you create an environment where both of you feel valued and loved.

4) Using absolute language

We’ve all been guilty of using phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” during heated arguments. But such absolute language can be very damaging to a relationship.

When you use absolute language, you’re not only generalizing your partner’s behavior, but you’re also ignoring the times when they’ve done otherwise. This can make them feel cornered and defensive.

Instead, try to express your concerns in a specific, non-accusatory manner. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me”, you could say “I felt unheard when I was talking about my day at work earlier.”

5) Avoiding tough conversations

It’s natural to want to avoid conflict and difficult conversations. But sweeping issues under the rug or avoiding them altogether doesn’t make them disappear. In fact, it often makes things worse.

Here’s the deal: When we avoid addressing problems, we’re not only missing an opportunity to resolve them, but we’re also risking our partner feeling unheard or invalidated.

Facing these tough conversations head-on might be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for growth in a relationship. It shows your partner that you’re willing to work through issues together and that their feelings matter to you.

6) Not making time for each other

In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to let our relationships take a backseat. Jobs, kids, chores – they all demand our time and attention. But in the midst of this chaos, it’s crucial not to lose sight of the importance of quality time with our partners.

When we don’t make time for each other, it can lead to feelings of neglect and disconnection. It sends a message that other things are more important than the relationship.

Therefore, no matter how busy life gets, make your partner a priority. Set aside quality time for just the two of you – a date night, a quiet dinner at home, or even just a walk in the park. It’s these moments that keep the emotional connection strong and remind your partner that they are loved and valued.

7) Taking each other for granted

In my own relationship, there was a time when I started taking my partner for granted. I stopped appreciating the little things she did for me and failed to acknowledge her efforts. This, as you can guess, led to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment.

Taking your partner for granted can create a feeling of being unappreciated and undervalued. It’s easy to fall into this trap, especially when you’ve been together for a long time.

The key is to consciously cultivate gratitude. Appreciate the small things they do, acknowledge their efforts, and remind them how much they mean to you. This not only lifts their spirits but also strengthens your bond.

8) Being defensive

Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism. However, in a relationship, this can block effective communication and prevent problem-solving.

When we get defensive, we create barriers that stop us from truly understanding our partner’s perspective. This can lead to feelings of being misunderstood or not being heard.

Instead of getting defensive, try to remain open and listen to your partner’s point of view. It might be difficult at times, but remember, it’s not about who’s right or wrong. It’s about understanding each other and finding a solution together.

9) Not practicing active listening

The art of active listening is probably the most powerful yet underrated tools in maintaining a healthy relationship. Why?

When we fail to actively listen, we risk making our partner feel unheard and misunderstood. This can lead to them shutting down and withdrawing emotionally.

When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Show interest, ask follow-up questions, and validate their feelings. This will make them feel valued and understood, strengthening your emotional connection.

Final thoughts: It’s all about empathy

At the heart of all these habits lies one fundamental principle – empathy.

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is instrumental in preventing our partners from shutting down. It’s about seeing things from their perspective, validating their emotions, and creating a safe space for them to express themselves.

As you navigate your relationships, keep empathy at the forefront. Don’t forget that your partner’s feelings are just as important as yours. Pay attention to these habits, work on them consciously, and you’ll see a world of difference in your relationship.