We all converse, but some of us engage in conversations with a depth that goes beyond mere talk.

Do you look back on your past interactions and wonder whether your communication style is effective or if your words truly resonate with others?

How can you tell if you have a high degree of social intelligence, or if you’re just experiencing the normal ebb and flow of human interaction?

After reflecting deeply on my own conversations and observing those of my friends, I’ve compiled a list of 7 common phrases that people with high social intelligence tend to avoid.

If you find these absent from your language, it might be an indication of your well-developed social acumen.

1) “You’re overreacting”

This phrase is a common pitfall in many conversations.

While it might seem like a quick and easy way to dismiss someone’s feelings or concerns, telling someone they’re “overreacting” can often lead to more harm than good.

People with high social intelligence understand that everyone’s feelings are valid, regardless of whether they agree with them or not.

That’s why they avoid invalidating others’ emotions and instead aim to understand their perspective.

Instead of dismissing someone’s feelings as an overreaction, those with high social intelligence might say something like: “I can see this is really important to you. Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?”

In essence, this opens up the conversation for greater understanding and empathy, rather than shutting it down with a judgmental phrase.

2) “I know exactly how you feel”

On the surface, this phrase might seem empathetic, as if you’re trying to connect with someone else’s experience.

However, it can often have the opposite effect.

So, where’s the catch?

Well, people with high social intelligence realize that each person’s experiences and emotions are unique.

When we say “I know exactly how you feel”, it can unintentionally minimize the other person’s experience and make it about us, rather than them.

Think about it for a minute.

How could we acknowledge the uniqueness of their experience while still offering empathy and support?

For instance, you might say: “I may not fully understand your exact feelings, but I’m here to support you.”

3) “You always…” or “You never…”

These phrases can be incredibly damaging in a conversation.

They’re often used to express frustration or dissatisfaction, but they can also create a sense of blame and defensiveness.

The truth is these words can make the other person feel attacked and less likely to engage in a productive conversation.

Here’s the thing:

High socially intelligent people understand the power of language and avoid using absolute terms like “always” or “never”.

Let’s see examples of how we can approach these:

• “I’ve noticed that sometimes you…”
• “It seems like you often…”
• “Occasionally, it appears that you…”

In a nutshell, these express their feelings without blaming, thus fostering a healthier and more constructive dialogue and consequently improving the quality of your relationships. 

4) “But at least…”

I bet you have noticed how people use this phrase in a futile attempt to find a silver lining in a difficult situation or to shift the focus from the negative to the positive.

Believe it or not, it can inadvertently belittle someone’s experiences or feelings.

Have you ever heard the concept of “toxic positivity“?

It’s the idea that focusing only on positive emotions and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions is unhealthy.

They recognize that it’s important to allow oneself and others to experience a full range of emotions.

What do you think?

I think it’s a tough one, while it’s true we might want to minimize negative emotions it’s just natural to feel all kinds of emotions. 

In this type of predicament, these folks don’t downplay someone’s feelings by looking for a bright side, they use phrases such as “That sounds really tough, I’m here for you.”

After all, this validates their feelings and offers support, rather than forcing a positive spin on an emotionally charged situation.

5) “At least I’m not like…”

In short, this phrase can be a harmful comparison that only serves to put down others in an attempt to elevate oneself.

Furthermore, it reflects a lack of empathy and understanding, traits that are far from indicative of social intelligence.

People with high social intelligence recognize the importance of respect for all individuals, regardless of their:

• Circumstances
• Choices
• Behaviors

They understand that everyone is on their own unique journey, facing their own battles, and it’s not our place to judge or compare.

And that’s not all, they don’t use someone else’s situation to make themselves feel better, because their only focus is on improving themselves.”

As a result of their choice of words, they promote personal growth and empathy, rather than breeding negativity and judgment.

6) “That’s not my problem”

Let’s be honest, we all indeed have our issues to deal with, but this phrase can come off as dismissive and unempathetic, especially when someone is sharing their concerns or struggles with us.

It’s crucial to understand the value of empathy and the role it plays in forging strong relationships.

These folks realize that while they may not be able to solve the problem for the other person, they can still offer empathy and understanding.

Instead of distancing themselves from the issue, those with high social intelligence might say: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you?”

Or if you just see what you could help with, just do it!

7) “It’s not a big deal”

Lastly, this phrase, while seemingly innocuous, can be a subtle way of invalidating someone else’s experiences or feelings.

What may not seem like a big deal to one person can be a significant issue for another.

And surely, while you’re well-intentioned, the result can be harmful if the other person feels invalidated. 

People with high social intelligence appreciate this diversity in perspectives.

Here’s the key:

They understand that it’s not their place to dictate the weight or importance of someone else’s experiences or feelings.

So, how about replacing this phrase with something like “I see that this matters a lot to you. Let’s talk about it.”?

In essence, this approach acknowledges the other person’s feelings and invites further conversation, promoting mutual understanding and respect.

Understanding the power of language in social intelligence

Language is a powerful tool.

It’s how we express our thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

It’s how we connect with others, build relationships, and navigate our way through the world.

But language isn’t just about the words we use. It’s also about how we use them.

The tone, the context, the timing – all these elements play a crucial role in how our words are perceived and received by others.

People with high social intelligence understand this.

• They recognize that communication is not just about conveying information; it’s also about understanding, empathy, and connection.
• They understand that what they say – and how they say it – can have a significant impact on their relationships with others
• They choose their words carefully, avoiding phrases that can come off as dismissive or judgmental. They strive for understanding and empathy in their conversations, recognizing that everyone’s experiences and feelings are unique and valid.

And it’s not just about avoiding certain phrases; it’s also about cultivating a positive and respectful approach to communication.

It’s about recognizing that every conversation is an opportunity to learn, grow, and deepen our connections with others.

In essence, high social intelligence isn’t just about knowing what to say; it’s also about knowing what not to say.

So next time you engage in a conversation, think about your words.

Consider their impact.

Strive for understanding and empathy. And remember, sometimes what you don’t say can be just as important as what you do say.

Embracing the journey of self-knowledge

As I look back on my journey, I realize that understanding and improving my social intelligence was not just about identifying certain phrases to avoid.

It was a journey of self-discovery, a deep dive into my communication patterns, my responses and reactions, my understanding of others, and, most importantly, my understanding of myself.

High social intelligence is not just about being able to navigate social situations smoothly.

The truth is it’s about recognizing your impact on others and taking responsibility for it.

The phrases we choose to use – or avoid – are a reflection of our inner world.

They reflect our

• Beliefs
• Values
• Biases
• Fears

By examining these phrases, we are not just improving our communication skills; we are also gaining a deeper understanding of who we are.

The more we understand ourselves, the better equipped we are to interact with others in a meaningful and respectful way.

We become more empathetic, understanding, and in tune with the feelings and experiences of others.

And in doing so, we foster stronger, deeper connections with the people around us.

In the end, you’ll find that not only do your conversations become more impactful and meaningful – but so does your life.