Our society tends to value politeness as a virtue, often pushing people into pretentious cordiality simply out of fear of societal disapproval, rather than genuine respect.

In this article, I’ll unveil 7 telltale phrases that indicate someone’s merely pretending to be polite.

Ultimately, our understanding should stem from personal insight and experience, rather than the fear of societal judgment.

1) “No offense, but…”

This one was a revelation for me.

“Don’t take this the wrong way” or “Not to be rude, but…” spring from a belief that prefacing a potentially offensive remark with a disclaimer somehow negates the rudeness.

But the reality is that these phrases often precede a comment that may be hurtful or disrespectful.

Let me elaborate.

Consider this common scenario. You’re engaged in conversation and someone drops the phrase, “No offense, but…”. What follows is typically an offensive statement. The person’s heart continues beating, they continue breathing, and you’re left to process the comment that was just made.

If you’re going to navigate social situations adeptly, it’s crucial to recognize that these phrases are not always used innocently. They’re often instinctive, a disguise for impoliteness.

It’s important to discard the illusion of politeness that arises from such phrases. They don’t necessarily indicate respect or consideration. How someone acts after uttering these words is more telling. And it is often instinctive, unmasked by the preceding disclaimer.

2) “Just being honest…”

This one was a bit of a curveball for me.

“Speaking my mind” or “Just telling it like it is” usually comes from a place of being straight forward or candid. While this is often admired, it’s not always indicative of genuine politeness.

Let’s delve deeper.

Picture this. You’re involved in a discussion and the phrase, “Just being honest…” is used. What follows is usually an unfiltered comment, potentially harsh or critical.

The speaker continues their discourse, you continue listening, and you’re left to absorb the impact of their ‘honesty’.

It’s crucial to recognize that these phrases don’t always come from a place of kindness. They’re often an excuse for bluntness, a cover for lack of tact.

How someone communicates their ‘honesty’, and the level of consideration they show while doing so, is more indicative of their politeness – or lack thereof.

And often, this is instinctive – laid bare by the veil of candidness they claim to uphold.

3) “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”

You may initially perceive this as a considerate phrase, but with time, you might find yourself irritated by the person who consistently interrupts conversations.

You might even find yourself on the receiving end of these interruptions. Few interactions are strong enough to endure this kind of disruption.

Interruptions can disrupt the flow of all conversations, but if someone willingly positions themselves to interrupt, they’re asking for miscommunication.

Moreover, it’s crucial to question the role of interruption in your dialogues.

Perhaps you and your acquaintance are feeling interrupted because there’s a lack of genuine listening involved.

Often, we scold ourselves for being interrupted, as though it’s something that we shouldn’t experience.

4) “I was just joking…”

I began this list by emphasizing on the importance of recognizing disguised rudeness.

The thing is, these subtle markers also justify how individuals treat others.

In my observation, people often veil their potentially hurtful comments with humor. They make a cutting remark, then quickly follow it up with, “I was just joking…”

Their intentions may seem harmless. Humor, after all, is known to be a positive social lubricant.

But when someone consistently uses humor as a cover, they might inadvertently erode the comfort and trust in the relationship. They may alienate friends.

They might come off as insensitive and perhaps not such an agreeable person to be around.

If we evaluated them based on their intentions, we wouldn’t question their behavior.

Instead, because we don’t focus solely on their intentions, we are more able to reflect on their actions and call out disrespectful behavior. We are learning to recognize and address veiled disrespect.

How someone treats others is what matters, not the intentions that supposedly drive their behavior.

5) “I’m not being mean, but…”

This one hit a little too close to home for me.

Years ago, I had a friend who frequently used this phrase. “I’m not being mean, but…” she would say, followed by a statement that was anything but kind.

At first, I brushed it off, thinking she didn’t intend to be mean. After all, she said so herself. But over time, the comments started to sting. The more she used the phrase, the more I realized that it was just a shield for her harsh remarks.

Looking back now, I can see that she was merely pretending to be polite. The phrase didn’t change the nature of her comments; it only served as a disclaimer. It wasn’t about being honest or straightforward; it was about delivering criticism without taking responsibility for it.

6) “Not to be that person, but…”

The concept of politeness has been deeply rooted in our societies and is often linked with respect and consideration. It’s seen as a trait that smoothens social interactions and fosters mutual understanding.

Here’s the crucial point:

This phrase often signals an impending contrarian or unfavorable view. It’s almost like the speaker is trying to extricate themselves from the responsibility of the comment they’re about to make.

For those on the receiving end, this can lead to feelings of discomfort. It’s a reminder that politeness isn’t just about using the right words; it’s also about the intention behind those words and their impact on the listener.

Recognizing such phrases as signs of feigned politeness encourages us to see beyond surface-level courtesy and can foster a more authentic communication.

7) “I hope you don’t mind, but…”

On the surface, this phrase appears to be a mark of considerate behavior. It seems to show a regard for the other person’s feelings or opinions before stating something that might be potentially unwelcome.

However, if you delve deeper, this phrase is often used as a buffer for comments or actions that may not be polite or respectful. It’s almost as if the speaker is seeking pre-approval for something they’re aware may not be well received.

This forces us to rethink our understanding of politeness. Is it just about asking for permission or does it involve understanding and respecting boundaries without having to be reminded?

True politeness should not require a disclaimer. It should inherently consider and respect the feelings and perspectives of the other person. The phrase “I hope you don’t mind, but…” may not always reflect this understanding, making it a subtle marker of pretentious politeness.

Bottom line: It’s about mindfulness

Mindfulness, a practice gaining global recognition, encourages individuals to be fully present and engaged in the moment, promoting empathy and understanding.

For those navigating social interactions, mindfulness might be a key factor in discerning genuine politeness from feigned courtesy.

Practicing mindfulness could potentially enhance our ability to perceive subtle cues and undertones in conversations.

Whether it’s actively listening to a friend, engaging in a heated debate, sharing a heartfelt conversation, or facing a confrontational interaction, the undercurrent of mindfulness might be enriching our understanding.

By being aware of these phrases and their potential implications, we can foster more authentic and respectful communication. After all, true politeness isn’t just about what we say; it’s also about how we say it and how it impacts others.