There’s a fine line between constructive criticism and just plain rudeness.

The difference hinges on intent. Constructive criticism comes from a place of wanting to help, to guide someone towards improvement. But sometimes, what’s being passed off as help is nothing more than thinly veiled negativity.

When someone offers you critique, it’s essential to discern whether they’re genuinely trying to help or merely casting stones. And trust me, there are some telltale signs that can tip you off.

Here are nine ways people might criticize you that reveal they’re not really out to lend a helping hand.

1) They’re always negative

Negativity feels like a punch in the gut. It’s draining, disheartening, and can often leave you feeling belittled.

Criticism is supposed to be about improvement, not tearing someone down. But some critics seem to have a knack for finding the dark cloud in every silver lining.

If someone’s critique of you never includes a positive note, if it’s all about pointing out your flaws and errors without ever acknowledging your strengths or successes, then they’re not in it to help you improve.

Remember, balanced feedback is key for growth. Constructive criticism should involve both areas of improvement and recognition of what you’re doing well.

So, when the critic in question seems to only dwell on the negative, it’s a good sign their intentions may not be as noble as they want you to believe.

2) They criticize you publicly

Being criticized in public is, to put it mildly, embarrassing. It’s happened to me before, and I can tell you, it doesn’t feel good.

I remember once, in a team meeting at work, a colleague singled me out and began picking apart a project I had been leading. They pointed out every little thing they thought was wrong with it, dissecting it in front of everybody.

At that moment, I realized something: they weren’t trying to help me improve. This was about them wanting to look smart and superior by putting me down.

Constructive criticism is meant to be a private conversation between the person giving the feedback and the one receiving it. It’s not meant to be a spectacle for others to witness.

If someone is choosing to criticize you in a public forum, their intention isn’t to help. Their goal is most likely to undermine your confidence and boost their own ego. Don’t let them get to you.

3) They don’t offer suggestions for improvement

Constructive criticism is about feedback that guides and encourages growth. It’s not just about pointing out what’s wrong; it should also involve clear and actionable suggestions for how to improve.

According to a study from Harvard Business Review, feedback that provides specific advice—like what to do differently or how to approach a problem from another angle—can enhance performance by up to 39 percent.

If someone habitually criticizes you without ever offering any kind of guidance or potential solutions, then their aim isn’t to help you get better. They’re just looking to point out your shortcomings without investing in your growth.

Remember, true constructive criticism should always come with a roadmap for improvement. Without it, it’s just empty criticism.

4) They focus on your personality, not your actions

Criticism should be about actions, not personality traits. It’s about what you do, not who you are.

For example, it’s one thing to say, “You were late to the meeting today,” and quite another to say, “You’re always so irresponsible.” The former is addressing a specific action that can be improved upon; the latter is attacking who you are as a person.

If someone criticizes your personality traits rather than your actions or behaviors, they’re not trying to help you improve. They’re making it personal, and that’s not constructive criticism; it’s a personal attack.

Remember, constructive feedback should always be specific, actionable, and focus on behaviors—not character traits.

5) They use absolute terms

“Always” and “never” are two words that should raise a red flag when it comes to criticism.

These absolute terms are rarely accurate and often serve to generalize behavior, disregarding any exceptions or nuances. For instance, saying “You always interrupt in meetings” or “You never meet deadlines” can be both unfair and unhelpful.

Critique should be about specific instances and behaviors, not broad generalizations. If someone criticizes you using absolutes, they’re not providing constructive feedback. Instead, they’re painting you with a broad brush, which isn’t fair or helpful.

Constructive critics know to avoid absolutes and focus on specific behaviors and instances instead. Therefore, be wary of those who use these terms frequently in their critique.

6) They don’t consider your feelings

We’re all human, and our feelings matter. Constructive criticism should be delivered with empathy and respect for the person on the receiving end.

I’ve been on the receiving end of harsh criticism that felt more like an attack than a helpful critique. It’s not pleasant. It can leave you feeling small, hurt, and defensive. That’s not what constructive criticism is about.

If someone criticizes you without considering how their words might impact you emotionally, they’re not trying to help. They’re wielding their words like weapons, not tools for growth.

True constructive criticism is delivered with kindness and understanding. It’s about helping each other grow, not tearing each other down. So if someone isn’t considering your feelings when they critique you, chances are their intentions aren’t as helpful as they might claim.

7) They compare you to others

Comparison can be a cruel thief of joy, and it’s certainly not a tool for constructive criticism.

I recall a time when I was compared to a more successful colleague. It didn’t feel like an attempt to help me improve or motivate me; it felt like a blow to my self-esteem.

If someone is using others as a yardstick to measure your worth or performance, they’re not trying to help you improve. They’re trying to make you feel inferior and shaming you into changing.

Constructive criticism should be about your personal growth and improvement, not about how you stack up against others. Remember, everyone’s journey is unique, and we all grow at our own pace. Comparisons aren’t helpful, they’re hurtful.

8) They don’t listen to your side

Communication is a two-way street. In any conversation, especially one involving criticism, both parties should have an opportunity to speak and be heard.

If the person criticizing you isn’t interested in hearing your perspective or understanding your reasoning behind a certain action, they’re not trying to help. They’re just trying to impose their viewpoint without considering yours.

A constructive critic is always open to discussion. They’re interested in understanding where you’re coming from and are open to alternative perspectives.

If someone isn’t willing to listen to your side of the story, they’re not providing constructive criticism; they’re merely lecturing. And that’s not helpful or fair.

9) They don’t follow up

Feedback isn’t a hit-and-run scenario. It’s a continuous process of guidance and improvement.

If someone criticizes you but never follows up to see how you’re doing or if their advice was helpful, they’re not invested in your growth. They just wanted to point out your flaws and move on.

A true mentor or coach will always follow up. They’ll check in on you, see how you’re progressing, and offer further advice if needed.

Remember, constructive criticism is about fostering growth, and growth is a journey, not a one-time event. If someone isn’t there for the long haul, they’re not really trying to help.

Final thoughts: It’s about respect

At the heart of it all, criticism should be rooted in respect and a genuine desire to help others grow.

American philosopher and psychologist, William James, once said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” It’s a fundamental human need to be valued and understood.

When someone criticizes you without respect, without a genuine intention to help, they are disregarding this essential human principle. They’re not interested in your growth; they’re more focused on their own agenda.

Remember, you have a right to respect and fair treatment. Don’t let those who choose to criticize unconstructively deter you from your journey of growth and self-improvement.

It’s important to recognize these patterns and protect yourself from unhelpful and disrespectful criticism. Use these insights as a shield, but also as a compass guiding you towards those who truly seek your progress.