When I feel confident, I sound confident. When I don’t, I won’t! My words give me away and they tell people just how much I’m doubting myself.

Our words have immense power over 1) how we feel and 2) how others perceive us. When you talk with confidence, you feel more confident and secure in yourself. Other people see you that way, too!

When you put yourself down all the time, it doesn’t serve you well. It can mean your insecurities are bubbling to the surface – making you feel worse and causing doubt in others over how confident you are.

It takes a lot of work to build your sense of self-worth, but taking a look at how you speak is a good place to start.

If you use any of these 10 phrases in your conversations, they might be hindering your confidence rather than supporting it!

Up first:

1) “What do you think I should do?”

There’s nothing wrong with asking for a friend or partner’s opinion on something. But generally speaking, we should make our own decisions. We shouldn’t rely on others to tell us what to do with everything in our lives – from what we wear to a party to whether we go for that promotion.

When you start asking any and everyone, even strangers or acquaintances, for their opinion on your life choices, something might be a little wrong with that. It might be a sign that you don’t trust yourself or your own decisions.

So, you rely on others to make them for you. Or, at least, validate you on them. Which, unfortunately, is a sign of insecurity and low self-worth.

2) “I’m not good enough for that”

I hate hearing my girlfriends say this! But I hear it all too often. They say it when one of them is running a marathon, starting a new job, or even just dating someone new.

Verbalizing negative thoughts like these really isn’t good for you. It isn’t good for your mindset, sense of self, or even your self-worth. Most of us know that, but still say it anyway.

Sometimes, it’s a habit. You’re so used to talking down to yourself that it becomes habitual to say and think these thoughts when other people achieve positive things.

Other times, it’s a cry for help; a cry for validation – for someone to say, “Yes you are!” and lift you back up again. Typically, this need for validation comes from a place of insecurity…

3) “I’ll just…”

The problem here is the word, “Just”. Years ago, a manager I looked up to told me to drop the word, “just” from my emails as best as I could. She said the simple change in my vocabulary would make me look and sound more assertive and confident.

She was right – a lot changed when I stopped excusing myself by putting “just” in front of everything I said.

This is merely a habit for most people, rather than a deep-rooted insecurity about having to excuse and downplay your actions. But when you think about it, that is what you’re doing when you add “just” before anything you say you’re going to do!

4) “I already tried that but nothing works for me”

There’s nothing that makes you sound more like you’ve given up in life than using this phrase! And really, if you dig into it, it’s exactly what you’re saying: that NOTHING works for you and you’ve given up on trying anything at all.

I’ve heard people say this phrase countless times and it’s actually pretty sad. Most of the time, they genuinely believe that things aren’t meant to work out for them. Other times, it’s another cry for help. They’re looking for encouragement and motivation.

While there’s nothing wrong with relying on your loved ones for a boost sometimes, you should really try and get it from yourself as much as you can. That’s what a secure person with high self-worth does.  

5) “You’re just better at [thing] than me”

Some people are simply better at certain things than we are. Like my friend is ace at maths and I’ll never be able to visualize equations in my head the way that she does!

There’s nothing wrong with accepting your limits and recognizing that there might always be someone better at something than you are. But in my experience, people don’t say this phrase for “genuine” reasons all that often. More likely, they say them out of self-deprecation and insecurity.

Like they say it to a married friend when a date doesn’t call them back. Or they say it to a family member who’s running a 10k race.

Even though you can’t exactly be “good” at dating. And if you want to run a 10k race, you have to train for it just like your colleague did! This is why the use of this phrase is actually a voice of insecurity, rather than rationality.

6) “I don’t deserve something like that”

Imagine your manager says you should go for the promotion that’s just come up. Or that you should volunteer to work on a very new, very exciting project. You say you don’t deserve something like that.

Let’s say your friend says that you’ll find a career you enjoy soon or a partner who treats you right. You say again, that you don’t deserve something like that.

How does that sound to you right now? Insecure? Unfortunately, I think it does. Thinking (and believing) you don’t deserve good things is textbook insecurity. It’s extremely sad and absolutely not true!

7) “I’m no expert but…”

This is a great phrase to use at work when you actually aren’t an expert at something.

Like how when I used to question a senior manager’s decision or a different department’s work. I’m really not an expert, but I wanted to speak up, so I caveated my opinion. Sometimes, it’s a smart move and a great way to build your own confidence in an area you’re lacking.

But how many times have you said this when you actually ARE an expert? Or when it doesn’t matter if you’re an expert on the topic or not – you KNOW what you’re talking about with this specific thing?

In these instances, you might be saying this phrase from a place of insecurity and disbelief in your own abilities.

8) “Am I making sense?”

I’m definitely guilty of this one! This phrase is all too common in many women’s vocabulary, but, unfortunately, it isn’t a confident phrase at all.

The number of times I’ve explained something I know about with 100% certainty – only to discount it all by meekly questioning, “Does that make sense?” afterwards.

And there’s the problem with it – I’m discounting what I’m saying. I’m placing doubt in other people’s minds about what I’ve just told them. I’m alluding to the idea that I’m not making sense at all. I’m looking for validation from them over whether I AM, in fact, making sense. When really, I shouldn’t need that at all.

Sadly, it’s another phrase you (and I!) might say when you lack confidence, security, and belief in yourself and how you speak.

9) “I hope that’s OK?”

We all check in with people sometimes and it’s a good thing. It means we’re compassionate, empathetic, and conscientious women. So sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with using this phrase. It’s helpful, polite, and extremely kind!

But not all situations call for this kind of check-in. Sometimes, you’re better off telling people, rather than asking them if you want to sound more confident.

Like if you’re going out with your friends next Friday and you’re telling your partner about it. You shouldn’t have to question, “I hope that’s OK?”, at the end. Unless you have kids or other commitments, of course.

Or if you’re declining a social occasion because you have plans. Declining and then asking if that’s alright with the other person isn’t very confident, either. It also, to be frank, doesn’t matter if it’s OK with them or not!

10) “I guess that’d be fine”

Don’t guess, know! I used to say this all the time when I didn’t want to attend a social event and someone tried convincing me to go.

I didn’t want to decline there and then, so I’d say something like, “I guess that’ll be fine” or “I guess that’ll do”. When really, I should’ve either said, “Yes, that’s fine” or “No, it isn’t”.

Beating around the bush isn’t exactly a sign of low self-worth. But it can mean you’re not quite as confident about what you’re saying as you could be…

Final thoughts

As we said earlier, building your self-worth takes time. Talking with more confidence is a start and a good one at that!

But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel better immediately – or if you “mess up” and keep saying negative or self-deprecating things.

Take it slow, set yourself small targets, and celebrate the wins when they come. At the end of the day, progress is progress – no matter how long it takes.