Experts say that emotional intelligence has declined in the past 20 years. 

According to research, self-esteem and assertiveness have gone up (which is obviously a good thing), but narcissism, entitlement, and high expectations have also increased in recent decades. 

“Western society is becoming increasingly individualistic,” says Dr. Mahreen Khan. “That is, a society that increasingly values materialism and competition. Perhaps it’s not surprising that when the values of society change, people’s personalities also change.”

In this blog, we’re going to focus on phrases a woman might use, indicating that she doesn’t have much emotional wisdom to speak of. This doesn’t mean that men are any more emotionally intelligent than women, of course. 

In fact, these six phrases could easily apply to men as well.

Here they are. 

1) “This is the way things are always done”

As a writer who is in business for herself, I’m constantly pivoting from the way I’ve done things in the past—even when those things have worked amazingly before. 

I know that in any field, particularly journalism (I’m sure part of me is biased), things are always changing. Editors are always moving around, either within the publication, or into new roles entirely with other media outlets. 

The industry itself is also always changing.

And don’t even get me started on the advancement of artificial intelligence in my field. 

So I can’t have the mentality that “this is the way things are always done” if I want to run a successful business. 

“When was the last time you heard someone say, ‘We’ve always done it this way?’” asks Ben Zimmerman from Forbes. 

“It was probably said with good intention, because it’s generally synonymous with “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Zimmerman says that in our day-to-day lives, relying on a tried-and-true approach is usually a harmless and natural course of action. 

I’m reminded of the character Marie Barone on the sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Marie, played by the late Doris Roberts, often shuts down her daughter-in-law Debra’s (played by Patricia Heaton) attempts to evolve how things are done in the family—from Christmas traditions to having her “mama’s boy) husband Ray (played by Ray Romano) help out more around the house and with their three children. 

Marie prefers to keep things the same without realizing that times and the family dynamic has changed from when she was (rather conservatively) raising her boys. 

Marie is an example of someone who hasn’t emotionally evolved and another character even points out in one episode that deep down Marie “is still a little girl crying out for attention.”

The problem with the “That’s how we’ve always done it” mindset is that it crushes creativity, engagement, and growth. 

2) “It is what it is”

It depends on the context, but this phrase isn’t necessarily emotionally unintelligent. 

It can be a sign that someone is accepting whatever life is giving them and not resisting it or trying to manipulate the situation into something it’s not. 

On the other hand, if this phrase is being used to enable bad behavior, well, then a lack of emotional intelligence is definitely prevalent.

Really, the phrase is defeatist by nature.

“In fact, some people really dislike the term for its unhelpful vagueness,” say linguists. 

“Oftentimes, according to critics of what it is, the phrase is used as an excuse by people who think the real solution is too difficult or time-consuming.”

3) “If I wanted your advice, I would ask for it”

It’s certainly true that some people like to give unsolicited advice, particularly when it comes to women, I find. 

This could be from dating advice, financial advice (as if we are ignorant about such matters), marriage advice, child-rearing advice, and so on and so forth.

In some cases, it’s perfectly appropriate to “hit back” with “I don’t need any advice, thank you,” particularly when some has the audacity to tell you how to live your life. 

But especially in a professional setting, saying this toxic phrase harms effective teamwork and indicates low emotional intelligence, says Michael Schwantes, from Inc. Magazine. 

“It implies a lack of trust in your colleagues and their abilities to offer valuable input.”

Whether at work or in our personal lives, it is best to put our egos aside and seek input from various perspectives, advises Schwantes. 

This is especially true when we are facing complex challenges. We don’t always have all the answers—not because we’re women, but because we’re human. 

“Though it may require swallowing one’s pride, seeking feedback is always the right decision, as it allows for multiple voices and sound minds to be heard,” emphasizes Schwantes. “It’s also a sign of high emotional intelligence.”

4) “I could care less about how you feel”

People who lack emotional intelligence also lack empathy. 

They’re selfish and they can’t see past their own desires.

“They only do what they want to do,” says Vin Serai from Love Panky. 

“If you don’t join them, they don’t care. And if you think they’re going to do what you want some time, don’t hold your breath for it. Anything that poses an inconvenience to them is already too much. This is a huge sign they lack emotional maturity, something you don’t need to deal with.”

5) “This is who I am and I’m not changing”

Some women might say this because they think it shows strength, particularly in romantic relationships with men.

I’ve heard women say things to the effect of: “I’m not changing myself for any man.”

But emotional intelligence is associated with an ability to change over time as you learn and grow, 

says psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren. 

“People with low emotional intelligence are often more rigid and will fight efforts to shift or evolve. Strong convictions are important, but so is being open to new possibilities.”

Warren says to try on saying this for size:

“I need to think more about what you’re saying. I want to be open to feedback about myself, even when it’s hard to hear.”

6) “You’re the one who’s making me feel this way”

Mentally unhealthy people tend to be their own worst enemies.

A mentally healthy—and emotionally intelligent—understands that emotions result from thoughts, says psychotherapist Dr. Michael J. Hurd. 

“In other words, it isn’t possible to say or think, ‘You make me feel a certain way.’ Nobody makes you feel anything. You feel the way you do because of what you’re thinking,” Dr. Hurd elaborates.

“If you’re feeling angry, then your belief is that somebody did something wrong. Your belief may be objectively valid, and probably true. If so, then it’s reasonable for you to feel angry. However, it still isn’t true that someone is ‘making’ you angry. Your observation, view, or opinion, is creating the feeling.”

This is why mentally unhealthy people tend to be their own worst enemies, says Dr. Hurd. “They are the people who say or think, ‘You make me feel this way.’”

Some ways to improve your emotional intelligence…

Career experts, for example, say that there are a number of ways to improve our emotional intelligence. 

One thing is to become more self-aware by identifying your emotions.

“Emotional intelligence encourages you to become more aware of your emotions and emotional responses. One way you can do this is to identify your feelings at the moment and name the emotion.”

Also, recognize your emotional triggers and coping mechanisms.

“It’s natural for situations and events to cause emotional reactions. Learning how to manage those triggers is emotional intelligence in action…Noticing what triggers you and how you react is a vital part of self-awareness and emotional intelligence.”

Once you’re able to identify your triggers and ways of coping, you can determine if you want to change that strategy.