If a man displays these 9 behaviors, he has very low self-esteem
We’ve all got that friend who’s smart, caring, funny, and just great to be around. But for some reason, they don’t see what we see.
Who does this remind you of?
Instead of embracing who they are and sharing it with the world, they shy away and keep it all to themselves.
You start to wonder if it’s low self-esteem that’s holding them back. And you want to help them to see how amazing they are, right?
You might be onto something. But to help, first, you’ve got to be sure that self-esteem is the problem.
With that in mind, here are 9 common behaviors that you’ll often see in a guy who has very low self-esteem.
How many of these do you recognize in the guy you have in mind?
1) He doesn’t think he’s good enough
You see so many great qualities in this guy, you just know he can do anything he wants in life.
The thing is: he doesn’t seem to realize it himself. He never seems to think he’s good enough.
This constant state of not feeling good enough is a major contributing factor to low self-esteem as outlined by WebMD.
Instead of embracing challenges, he assumes he’ll fail, so he doesn’t want to even try.
And whenever he does something well, he doesn’t give himself any credit, claiming “that was nothing, anyone could do that.”
2) He constantly needs reassurance
If a guy is constantly looking for others to reassure him, it’s often a sign of low self-esteem.
My friend Nathan is like this. He’s an incredible songwriter and gigs locally on the weekends.
Whenever he writes a new song, he plays it to his close friends and asks “Are you sure it’s good enough to play to the public?” and “Don’t just tell me what I want to hear, please be honest”.
Do you have a Nathan in your life?
It’s as though he doesn’t trust his own judgment so although he’s done his best, he needs reassurance and validation from others to feel secure.
The good news is: it doesn’t have to be this way.
It’s possible to rebuild the foundations of your self-esteem as an adult. In this process, “our sense of self-esteem starts coming from the inside, not from the outside and we don’t rely on others to validate our existence or define us”, as outlined by Darius Cikanavicius.
3) He puts himself in competition with others
“You are not in competition with anybody except yourself; plan to outdo your past not other people” as author and inspirational speaker Jaachynma N.E. Agu, once said.
This concept is lost on a man with low self-esteem.
No matter how great he’s doing, he’s always competing with others and ends up feeling down if he doesn’t come out on top.
But here’s the kicker: Whenever you try to highlight his progress to show him how far he’s come, he brushes it off like it’s not a big deal.
He’s overly harsh on himself and overly lenient on whoever he’s comparing himself to.
It’s as if he’s in a never-ending competition with everyone around him and he never gets to win.
4) He gets jealous easily
Does the guy you have in mind, get jealous easily?
While a small amount of jealousy is normal in any relationship, a guy with low self-esteem can go overboard in this department.
It doesn’t seem to matter how much love and reassurance his partner provides. He doesn’t believe he’s good enough which manifests itself as jealousy.
And it’s not just relationships, he’s also jealous of what other people have and he doesn’t have.
Jealousy can ruin great relationships and rob us of whatever joy we do have so it’s really important to remember when someone is jealous, they’re projecting their own “inadequacies” onto other people, as outlined by Psychology Today.
It’s not easy but with the right approach, it’s possible to overcome this kind of jealousy.
5) He shies away from taking on extra responsibility
I caught up with a group of friends over drinks a few weeks back. I was chatting to Jeff, who was telling me his manager put his name forward for promotion.
“Congratulations Jeff, I know how hard you’ve been working!” I exclaimed, excitedly.
He looked at me with a worried expression and said “No, you don’t understand, I don’t want to be promoted. I don’t think I’d be any good at that job.”
Sound familiar?
Being afraid to take on extra responsibility like this is classic behavior of a guy with low self-esteem.
Instead of seeing it as an opportunity, he’s afraid he’ll mess up so he shies away.
6) He struggles to accept compliments
Do you know anyone who finds it hard to take a compliment?
Turns out: a 2010 study published in The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that people with low self-esteem struggle to accept compliments.
Instead of accepting that the compliments are genuine, they assume someone is ‘just being nice’ or ‘he says that to everyone’.
Think about your friend: how does he react when someone compliments him? Most of the time, they’ll brush it off or deflect the credit to someone else, right?
The rest of us can see it plain as day, they deserve the compliment because it is a true reflection of them as a person or on something they’ve done. Unfortunately, it’s not so easy for them to see it themselves.
7) He withdraws in social situations
My friend Paul does not enjoy social outings.
Due to his low self-esteem, he doesn’t think he has anything interesting to say in group situations and he’s worried about coming across as too quiet or weird.
In reality, he’s a fantastic guy with a lot to offer in social gatherings but he prefers to blend in and make himself invisible or better still, avoid social situations altogether whenever possible.
But he’s not alone: according to 2022 research, low self-esteem increases levels of social anxiety.
If you notice that somebody often opts out of social gatherings, it might be due to low self-esteem. Who knows, maybe it’s your chance to help, by offering to accompany them next time.
8) He’s indecisive
When someone is indecisive it’s a subtle indicator that they suffer from low self-esteem.
Think about it: he struggles to decide on things because he doesn’t value or trust his own opinions and judgments. He’s stuck in “should I or shouldn’t I” mode.
To be honest, this is something I’ve noticed in myself. Often I’ll leave the decision with someone else because I don’t know if I’m making the best choice.
I’ve learned that being decisive is a muscle that you can build over time.
If you want to help someone with this, encourage them to make even small decisions and they’ll soon see, they can make good decisions and there is nothing to worry about.
9) He’s defensive when receiving feedback
Feedback is super important in both our personal and professional lives. In fact, 98% of employees disengage from their work when they receive little to no feedback.
Although it can feel uncomfortable in the moment, most people acknowledge that constructive feedback helps them to be better and do better.
However, when a guy with low self-esteem receives feedback, he feels as though it’s a personal attack and his defensive reaction kicks in to protect him from being hurt.
This creates a catch-22 situation because refusing to take on feedback, prevents personal growth and improvement so accepting feedback is a vital skill that people with low self-esteem have to work extra hard on.
If you notice someone in your life gets defensive when getting feedback, it could be a sign they struggle with low self-esteem.
Final thoughts
Improving self-esteem is an inside job. It requires both a mindset shift and behavioral changes that only the person themselves can make. But that doesn’t mean you can’t support them.
Now that you know some of the signs to look out for, you’re well-equipped to be that encouraging friend who leads with kindness and patience.
And maybe one day, your friend will see in themselves, what you see in them every day.