If you were brought up in the same way I was, your parents probably told you that you need to be nice, nice, nice all the time.

It’s how you should be at school, with your friends, and at work (especially!).

So when I started my first ever office job, that’s exactly what I did. I tried to be the nicest, kindest, most pleasant person in the office. And I was!

The thing is, I didn’t know that being polite all the time wasn’t working in my favor. It won me some favors, for sure. But below the surface, hidden behind truths I couldn’t see, were big, big problems.

Of course, I only realized this when a colleague I respected (as did everyone else) pulled me aside one day and shoved reality straight in my face!

Here’s everything I learned from that candid colleague and the conversation I’ll remember forever.

Let’s go…

Killing someone with kindness won’t make them do what needs to be done

I always used to hear people say, “Kill them with kindness” to get what you want. It took me a long time to realize that this is a terrible, terrible strategy at work!

Just because people like you, they aren’t going to do what you want.

Sure, being nice will make some people more inclined to help you. And keeping your cool on the phone when someone is being rude to you will reduce the heat.

But otherwise, there’s no need to kill everyone you know with kindness. Sometimes, it’s just confusing. And totally unhelpful.

I tried so hard to be polite in my emails to my lawyers that they became too long and convoluted. And people just didn’t care how nice I was. My niceties weren’t motivating. It just made my emails that much easier to ignore.

“Being respectful to your colleagues is important”, she said to me, “There’s no need to be awful just for the sake of it”. That’ll only make the workplace even worse to be in, especially if you’re trying to be someone you’re not…

But still, being overly nice all the time isn’t going to help you as much as you think.

“The firmer and more straightforward you are in your emails, the further you’ll get than being the “nice guy” all the time”.

Your boss relies on you to hear what’s really going on

Another thing I learned the hard way!

My boss used to ask the team for feedback all the time. He’d host one-to-ones with all of us and would encourage us to speak up in meetings about things that weren’t working so well.

But even so, I never did. I had huge problems with certain departments who just refused to do work for our team. I also had huge problems with some of the managers in my own team. As did a lot of people…

Yet I still stayed quiet. And I silently stewed about how annoying it was that our boss never did anything about these things.

It was only when my colleague pointed it out to me that I realized.

“Keeping quiet about these things so I looked “nice” and “unproblematic” isn’t helping our team. It isn’t helping your boss, either”, she said.

He relied on me to tell the truth when he asked. Because how could he know that his manager was a problem when no one told him? How could he know that one team caused all my delays when I never admitted that for fear of looking impolite?

He didn’t. And beating around the bush all the time, making excuses, and not wanting to look impolite by speaking up didn’t help anything at all.

People respect you more when you’re being yourself

This one hurt, but I needed to hear it! She didn’t hold back when she told me this one. Looking back, I really respect her for it.

“People aren’t going to respect you if you beat around the bush all the time”, she said. “They know you’re just being polite and politeness isn’t going to help you, them, or the team”.

She was right. People could see through my fake niceties. Pretending to be OK with everything was annoying. Being overly caring to other people before asking them to send me something was just wasted time.

Simply being yourself, owning the fact that you’re allowed to be here and allowed to ask people for work, is way more respectable.

Once I learned that and started living it, I saw the difference in how people treated me.

People ask your opinion more (and trust it) when they know you’re being genuine

“Why do you think people ask [collegue’s name] for his thoughts more than you?”.

I know what you’re thinking. Ouch, right? But that’s exactly what she said to me on that fateful day that I learned so much!

When I first became a manager in the department, I was rarely asked to share my opinion.  

Whenever I was asked, I used to be a little too political in my answer. I’d answer indirectly. I’d say something nice before saying something bad and then saying something nice again. The “feedback sandwich”, I believe they call it in all the corporate textbooks!

The thing is, outside of a textbook, no one appreciates you talking like this. They prefer you to be honest.

“If you don’t agree with something, and you know it’s for a good reason, say you don’t and say why when you’re asked”, she said.

So I did. And what happened?

People respected my opinion way more! They asked me for it more often. And they actually trusted me that if I said something was good, it was what I truly believed.

Being humble isn’t going to get you that promotion

Humility is a good thing, there’s no doubt about that. When people learn about what you’ve achieved through the grapevine, they have a whole lot more respect for you than if you shouted about it from the rooftops!

Which is why I used to think it was better to stay quiet about my accomplishments; that my accomplishments spoke for themselves.

But I was wrong – another thing I learned from our little chat.

My boss (and my colleagues!) were never going to know what I’d achieved if I kept quiet about everything.

“You have to blow your own trumpet sometimes”, she said. “Just like people aren’t going to know about problems on the ground if you don’t speak up about them, they aren’t going to know about the good work you do, either!”.

She was right. Telling my partner when I got home about the compliment I received from a Director in another department was no good. I had to mention it to my boss.

Telling him “everything is fine” with my project isn’t going to make him understand the hurdles I’ve overcome to make it fine.

I have to tell him I’ve had the compliment for him to see how appreciated I am by other teams! I have to tell him about the problem that came up and how I solved it if I want him to see how good I really am at my job!

Otherwise, he’s never going to know. And all my humility is going to do is keep me stuck and him thinking I’m not ready to progress any further…

People will take advantage of your niceness, including your employer…

“Bad people take advantage of others”, is something I was taught growing up.

It’s why I (naively) believed that my colleagues and even my employer wouldn’t take advantage of me. I especially thought they wouldn’t if I was nice, polite, and kept on the straight and arrow!

But damn, I was wrong.

“You have to look after number one”, my colleague said to me that day.

I thought that by being nice, even when I knew exactly what people were up to, I was being smart. But I wasn’t. Just because I knew what was going on, not speaking up about it didn’t stop them from continuing to do it.

The lawyer I was trying to win over with my niceties didn’t care how nice I was being, they still weren’t going to do the work any sooner. They still weren’t going to take my polite chasers and “just checking in…” phone calls any more seriously.

Even when it came to some of my colleagues, being known as the “nice person” just meant they felt OK pushing back deadlines and putting my work on the low-priority list!

Why? Because even though it shouldn’t be this way, nice people are easy to take advantage of. But if I hold them accountable, tell them they’re late sending me the work and I need it urgently or there will be [X] consequences, it’s way more motivating. And authentic!

“Pretending you’re not mad or stressed by them not doing the work isn’t going to impact anyone except you” – another thing she said.

The worst part is that even my employer tried to take advantage of all of our niceties! When they tried to change our job descriptions and cut our salaries, they relied on us not saying anything because we wanted to be “nice”, “polite” and “unproblematic”.

But all that was doing was giving them a free pass to do whatever they wanted with our jobs…

Final thoughts

It was an awful day when she pulled me aside and told me these things, I’ll be honest. I was pretty happy going along the way that I was. I was comfortable. And I thought everything was OK by me acting this way.

But she made me realize that I was causing way more problems for myself, my boss, my colleagues, and my employer by being “too nice”.

But, of course, the most important thing was that I was causing problems for myself.

Even though it was an awful day coming to these realizations, I’m so grateful for it. Because where would I be today without her advice?

Not in the position I’m in now, that’s for sure. And not as developed professionally or even personally!

Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes by reading this. And you can learn just as much as I did from my colleague: that authenticity matters more than niceness – in work, life, and anywhere you go!