If you’ve watched the TV show ‘Lie to me’, based on the work of expert body language researcher ​​Dr. Paul Ekman, you might be thinking that it’s possible to understand everything by a fleeting look on someone’s face or the shift of their hand. Aka a ‘micro-expression’ that reveals all.

In real life, it’s much more subtle than this. While security workers often get trained in Dr Ekman’s style, the rest of us can use more reliable and obvious ways to read people.

Once I mastered these tips, I always found it much simpler to understand what people were subconsciously saying, and this has made my relationships flow with greater fluidity.

Here’s what I ask myself or look out for:

1) Where are their limbs pointing?

Maybe this isn’t a big secret. But it is where to start. The first thing to consider is people’s overall posture. This was one of the main ways I began to understand how to read people.

Are their arms and legs pointed towards you? Or away? Do they seem open and relaxed? (With arms open rather than folded or crossed)?

Obviously, furniture, the occasion, and space can affect these things. But on the whole, people who are pointing some limbs in your direction are more interested in what you are saying, than those who aren’t.

2) Where is their body leaning to – mirroring you? 

Posture isn’t just about the limbs, but rather the use of space. 

Are they leaning towards you? Or leaning away? 

Does it seem like they want to stay squished on their side of the couch or do they look like they want to get closer to you? As you would expect, the closer someone gets to you, the more relaxed and happy they feel in your company.

If they seem stiff or reserved they may be nervous or have some reason that they wish to keep their distance, physically and emotionally.

If you notice that they are mirroring you (that’s when people subconsciously copy your movements) – it’s a sign that the two of you are engaged and happy. 

After I started to watch out for this behavior, I began to see it a lot, not only in my interactions but with strangers too. People-watching is a great way to practice your body language skills!

3) Mixed signals

What if you’re chatting with someone and you notice mixed signals? 

Say, you’re having an engaging conversation, both of you are leaning in to learn more, mirroring, and yet… you have unspoken uncertainties or a nagging feeling.

This happened to me recently when I matched with someone on an online dating app. We chatted via the app and he seemed keen to meet me. 

But before we could arrange a date, we met by chance in a coffee shop. He had a very exciting job as an investigative journalist and we shared stimulating conversations about that and other things.

His face, tone and the way he was responding to me were showing me that he was interested. But his arms were crossed and his limbs were pointed away from me. I felt mixed signals. 

And guess what? I was right. The mixed signals were because he had a polyamorous girlfriend that he had failed to mention – and she was also in the coffee shop!

Mixed signals may not sound like a useful sign, but they are there to show you that something is being hidden or there is something that you may need to know about but don’t. And so in themselves, mixed body language signals can give a lot away about a person and what is going on for them.

4) Accidental poke out of the tongue

So we’ve talked about bodies, but what about the face? It gives away so much.

Have you ever seen a TV interview where you get an awkward feeling that one of the guests is clashing with the host? Your first clue will be what they are saying. But to see if someone is actually expressing contempt, there are some interesting tells. 

One is a quick poke out of the tongue at someone they don’t like. I’m not talking about something long and intentional here, rather a quick and primal show of dislike.

Another way can be a dismissive flick of an arm, hand or even foot. A bit like when my rabbit is cross and she flicks her feet violently in the air at me in a way that can only be read in one way(!). Except her disdain is intentional, while humans usually do it without thinking.

5) Accidental sneer

This is yet another way of looking for contempt and it can be really useful when you are in a group and want to understand the dynamics. 

Drawing from research based on Paul Eckman’s microexpressions, this is a facial expression that might have one-half of the mouth raised, and/or the nose scrunched up.

6) The half-smile

One of the biggest tells of someone’s body language is the smile.

How about the half smile that we see on Mona Lisa or Bill Gates? Is it ambivalence? A secret we don’t know about? 

While the art critics may not have discovered the reason behind Mona Lisa’s intriguing expression, a half smile is often used to give bad news. At other times, it can serve as a smirk of pleasure at someone’s misfortunes.

7) Smile at the eyes, a true smile

Moving on from the half smile, we get to the full smile. 

You know how sometimes you’re chatting with someone, and they’re grinning at you, but something just feels off? Chances are, it’s because their smile isn’t reaching their eyes.

A genuine smile, or what the experts call a Duchenne smile (named after a French neurologist who coined the term), is when the mouth and the eyes are both in on the action. The cheeks lift, the eyes crinkle at the corners, and… That’s how happy smiley people end up with crow’s feet!

But a fake smile? That’s a different story. It’s all mouth and no eyes. The eyes stay flat, and the whole thing just comes across as forced and insincere.

Recently I was shopping, and a salesperson was trying to push me into buying something I had no interest in. He had this huge, cheesy grin on his face, but his eyes were just dead. It was like talking to a mannequin. Needless to say, I put my wallet away!

So, the moral of the story? When you’re trying to get a read on someone’s smile, take a look at the eyes. Are they crinkling and sparkling, or are they dull and lifeless? That’ll give you the real answer.

8) Looking away frequently

If you’re talking and someone is always looking away, the chances are that they are not very engaged in what you are saying. Maybe they are actually looking for someone or they are just thinking about other things. 

If you know that normally they pay attention, then they may just be distracted. But if it happens all the time, perhaps they aren’t the best person to tell your stories to!

Caveat: They might also be a hypervigilant type though who is subconsciously checking for dangers in the environment. So it could be someone who also wants to keep you safe. And it could also be someone neurodivergent like me that gets easily distracted, but still cares!

9) Sadness in the face

Some people are great at hiding sadness. I wanted to be better at spotting it so I learned that sad eyes may appear slightly narrowed or squinted, as if they are trying to hold back tears. The inner corners of their eyebrows are typically drawn together and slightly raised, creating a concerned or troubled look. 

One of the most noticeable signs of sadness is a down-turned mouth, with the corners of the lips pulling downward. 

Additionally, you might see a subtle bunching or pulling up of the chin, which can make the lower lip appear to be quivering or trembling. 

These expressions can range from very noticeable to subtle, but I’m always on the lookout, in case I can spot a sad person in need of some cheering up!

After I got used to people watching and looking out for these subtle body language signs it became much easier to read people. And it also helps me be aware of my own body posture and language!