Last Sunday, my youngest grandson asked when he could come over again.

Not because his parents needed a babysitter, but because he wanted to.

That simple question made me realize how different things are now compared to my own childhood visits with my grandparents.

I remember those visits feeling like obligations. Sitting still in a quiet house, being shushed constantly, counting the minutes until we could leave.

Now that I’m the grandfather to five wonderful grandkids ranging from ages 4 to 14, I’ve learned something important: if you want your grandchildren to actually look forward to visiting you, there are certain behaviors you need to let go of.

These aren’t bad intentions. Most of them come from a good place. But they create distance instead of connection.

Here are seven behaviors worth saying goodbye to.

1) Criticizing their parents in front of them

This one is huge, and I learned it the hard way.

A few years back, I made an offhand comment about how my daughter was “too lenient” with screen time.

I thought I was just chatting with my grandson. But what he heard was me criticizing his mom, and it made him uncomfortable.

Kids are fiercely loyal to their parents, even when they’re frustrated with them. When you criticize their mom or dad, you’re putting them in an impossible position.

They don’t want to choose sides, and they shouldn’t have to.

If you disagree with how your adult children are raising their kids, that’s a conversation to have privately with them, not in front of the grandchildren.

Your job as a grandparent isn’t to undermine their parents. It’s to support the family unit while creating your own special bond.

2) Making every visit feel like an interrogation

“How’s school? What are your grades? Are you behaving? Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

Look, I get it. You want to know what’s happening in their lives. But firing off questions the moment they walk through the door makes visits feel like a performance review, not quality time together.

I’ve found that kids open up more naturally when you’re doing something together.

During our weekly walks with Lottie (my dog), my grandkids tell me things they’d never share if I sat them down and asked directly.

When we’re planting tomatoes in the garden or just sitting on the porch, conversations flow more easily.

Create space for connection instead of demanding information. Let them share at their own pace, and don’t take it personally if they’re quiet sometimes.

3) Refusing to adapt to their interests

Lately, my teenage grandson has been in that familiar “half in, half out” stage.

He still comes over, but instead of bursting through the door and talking a mile a minute, he’ll give me a quick “Hey,” flop on the couch, pull up his hood, and sink into his phone.

When I ask how things are going, I often get the classic teenage answer: “I’m fine.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little. Part of me thought, He used to be so excited to see me. Did I do something wrong?

Earlier this week, a video popped up in my Youtube called “Why Your Teen Pushes You Away – And Why It’s Working.” I clicked on it out of curiosity and I thought it described what I’m seeing with him pretty well. As they put it, the teenage years are “an age of contradictions, craving independence, yet desperate for belonging.”

That line helped something click for me. He wasn’t pushing me away because he didn’t care. He was trying to figure out how to be his own person and still feel like he belonged. Here’s the full video if you are interested: 

Anyway just yesterday, he mentioned a game he likes playing. My old instinct would have been to wave it off—video games aren’t exactly my territory.

But I decided to meet him where he was instead of dragging him back to where I was comfortable.

So I sat down next to him and said, “Show me this game you keep talking about. Pretend I know nothing—walk me through it.”

He rolled his eyes in that teenage way, but then he started explaining. Within a few minutes, he was leaning forward, showing me the characters, explaining strategies, talking about his friends who play too.

The game itself still doesn’t do much for me. But the way his face lit up did.

He didn’t need me to become a gamer. He needed me to show a genuine interest in his world.

Your grandchildren are growing up in a different world than you did. If you want them to enjoy visiting, you need to meet them where they are.

That might mean learning about social media, listening to music you don’t understand, or watching a movie about superheroes you’ve never heard of.

You don’t have to love everything they love. But showing curiosity and respect for their interests goes a long way—especially with teenagers.

4) Being overly rigid about house rules 

I understand wanting to maintain order in your home.

But if your house feels like a museum where nothing can be touched and every movement is monitored, kids won’t want to be there.

As I covered in a previous post about laying strong foundations for children, structure matters.

But there’s a difference between reasonable boundaries and making kids feel like they’re walking on eggshells.

Can they sit on the couch with snacks if they’re careful? Can they play in the backyard without constant supervision? Can they rearrange the cushions to build a fort?

The grandparents whose homes kids love visiting have found a balance. They protect what truly matters while letting go of the rest.

They’ve accepted that visits might mean a little mess, some noise, and things not being perfectly in place.

5) Comparing them to other grandchildren or to how you raised your kids

“Your cousin never acted like that at your age.”

“When your father was young, he would never talk back.”

These comparisons don’t motivate kids. They just make them feel inadequate and resentful. Each grandchild is different, with their own personality, challenges, and strengths.

When you constantly compare them to siblings, cousins, or even to their parents at that age, you’re sending the message that they’re not good enough as they are.

I have five grandkids, and they couldn’t be more different from each other. One is quiet and bookish. Another is loud and energetic. One struggles with learning disabilities while another excels academically.

Celebrate each grandchild for who they are, not who you wish they were or who someone else is.

6) Overloading visits with activities and expectations

When my grandkids first started visiting regularly, I’d plan elaborate activities for every minute.

Museums, special outings, craft projects. I thought I was being a fun grandfather.

But I noticed they seemed tired and overwhelmed. Visits felt like work.

Now? Some of our best times together are when we’re doing absolutely nothing special.

Sitting on the porch while they draw. Taking Lottie for a slow walk around the neighborhood. Making pancakes on Sunday morning while they tell me about their week.

Kids have busy, over-scheduled lives already. Sometimes what they need most from grandparent visits is simply a calm, relaxed space where they can just be.

No pressure, no agenda, no performance required.

7) Forgetting to really listen when they talk

This is something I learned during my 35 years in middle management at an insurance company: the importance of active listening.

But I’ll admit, I don’t always practice it as well as I should with my grandkids.

It’s easy to half-listen while checking your phone, thinking about what you’ll say next, or assuming you know where their story is going.

But kids can tell when you’re not really present.

Real listening means putting down whatever you’re doing, making eye contact, and giving them your full attention.

It means asking follow-up questions that show you were paying attention. It means not immediately jumping in with advice or your own story.

My oldest grandson recently told me something important about his struggles at school, and he only opened up because he knew I was truly listening. Not judging, not fixing, just hearing him.

That’s the kind of grandparent kids want to visit. One who makes them feel heard and valued.

Final thoughts

Being a grandparent is one of life’s greatest joys, but it’s also a learning process. I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way, and I’m still figuring things out.

The difference between being a grandparent your grandkids have to visit and one they want to visit often comes down to these small behaviors.

Let go of criticism, rigidity, and unrealistic expectations. Embrace curiosity, flexibility, and genuine connection.

Your grandchildren don’t need you to be perfect. They just need you to be present, accepting, and genuinely happy to see them.

What behavior might you need to say goodbye to?