I’ve been married for over 40 years, and I’ve watched countless relationships around me crumble while ours survived.

The thing is, it’s rarely the big dramatic moments that destroy a relationship.

It’s the small, daily habits that chip away at the foundation until one day, there’s nothing left holding it together.

So if you want your relationship to last, here are ten habits you need to eliminate before they do permanent damage

1) Keeping score of everything

Early in our marriage, I made the mistake of mentally tallying up who did what around the house. I washed the dishes, she didn’t take out the trash. I fixed the leaky faucet, she forgot to pick up my dry cleaning.

This scorekeeping turned our partnership into a competition. And in any competition, someone has to lose.

Research shows that keeping track of who did what in a relationship, almost always results in feelings of indebtedness and diminished gratitude.

A healthy relationship isn’t transactional. You give because you care, not because you’re expecting equal return on investment.

2) Using contempt as your go-to response

Contempt looks like eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, and those cutting little jabs that say “I’m better than you.”

And according to research from psychologist Dr. John Gottman, contempt has been identified as the single best predictor of divorce. It signals moral superiority rather than partnership.

I’ve seen this destroy friendships and marriages alike. Once you start treating your partner with contempt, you’re essentially telling them they’re beneath you.

No relationship can survive that for long.

If you catch yourself thinking “Seriously? You don’t know that?” stop. Take a breath. Remember you chose this person for a reason.

3) Bringing up past mistakes repeatedly

We went through marriage counseling in our 40s, and one of the biggest issues was my tendency to dredge up old arguments.

Every new disagreement became an opportunity to remind my wife of something she’d done wrong years ago.

This habit destroys trust. When you constantly weaponize the past, your partner learns they can never truly be forgiven. They’ll always be on trial for old crimes they thought were resolved.

Forgiveness means letting go. Not forgetting necessarily, but genuinely moving forward without using past mistakes as ammunition.

4) Criticizing instead of complaining

There’s a difference between a complaint and criticism, and understanding that difference saved my marriage.

A complaint addresses a specific behavior. “I felt hurt when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.”

Criticism attacks the person’s character. “You’re so inconsiderate. You never think about anyone but yourself.”

One opens the door to change. The other slams it shut and makes the other person defensive.

5) Stonewalling when things get difficult

When conversations get heated, some people shut down completely. They stop talking, stop engaging, essentially disappear emotionally.

I’ve done this. After years working in middle management, I learned to shut down emotions to survive office conflicts. But what worked in conference rooms nearly destroyed my marriage.

Stonewalling happens when you feel overwhelmed or flooded with emotion. But to your partner, it feels like rejection and abandonment.

The solution? Learn to recognize when you’re getting flooded and ask for a break.

“I need 20 minutes to calm down, then let’s talk.”

That’s different from just shutting down and refusing to engage.

6) Making everything about winning the argument

Nobody wins when relationships turn into battlefields where someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.

I learned this the hard way during a disagreement about finances in year 15 of our marriage.

I was so focused on proving my point that I completely missed what my wife was actually trying to tell me.

When you approach every disagreement as a competition, you’re sending the message that being right matters more than your partner’s feelings. That’s a fast track to resentment.

7) Constantly being on your devices

This one has become worse in recent years as technology has invaded every corner of our lives.

I catch myself doing it. Checking my phone during dinner. Scrolling through news while my wife is trying to tell me about her day. Being physically present but mentally elsewhere.

Device distraction while with your partner may be a symptom of larger relationship problems. And if left unchecked, it creates a cycle where you disconnect more and more.

Now we have a rule. Devices away during meals and important conversations. It’s simple but it makes a real difference in how connected we feel.

8) Neglecting physical intimacy

This is uncomfortable to talk about, but it needs to be said. When physical intimacy disappears from a relationship, so does a crucial form of connection.

I’m not just talking about sex, though that matters too.

I mean holding hands, hugging, any physical touch that says “I’m still attracted to you, I still choose you.”

After my heart scare at 58, intimacy became harder to prioritize. But ignoring it only created distance between my wife and me.

We had to consciously work to maintain that connection, even when it felt awkward or difficult.

9) Avoiding all conflict

Some people think avoiding conflict keeps the peace. They sweep issues under the rug, smile when they’re frustrated, pretend everything is fine when it’s not.

But avoiding conflict doesn’t resolve anything. It just lets resentment build up like pressure in a sealed container until eventually, it explodes.

According to Rachel Moheban Wachtel, a licensed clinical social worker who has worked extensively with couples, healthy relationships need conflict.

Not constant fighting, but honest conversations about difficult topics.

Learning to address issues when they’re small prevents them from becoming relationship-ending crises.

10) Losing yourself completely in the relationship

The last habit that destroys relationships might surprise you.

It’s abandoning your own identity, hobbies, and friendships to become entirely focused on your partner.

Early in our marriage, I made this mistake. I gave up activities I loved, stopped seeing friends as often, made my wife the center of my entire world.

It sounds romantic, but it’s actually suffocating. For both people.

Your partner fell in love with a complete person who had interests, passions, and a life. When you erase all of that to merge completely into the relationship, you lose what made you attractive in the first place.

Maintain your individuality. Keep your hobbies. See your friends. A healthy relationship is two whole people choosing to walk through life together, not two halves trying to become one.

Final thoughts

After four decades together, I can tell you that relationships require constant attention and adjustment.

The habits that destroy them are often subtle, building up over years until they’ve created cracks too wide to repair.

But here’s the good news. Every single one of these habits can be changed. It takes awareness, effort, and often uncomfortable honesty with yourself and your partner.

My marriage survived because we were willing to do that work. We had hard conversations. We changed behaviors that weren’t serving us.

Your relationship is worth that same investment. Don’t let these ten habits chip away at something valuable.

Which habit do you need to work on first?