If you keep attracting the wrong people, you might be doing these 8 things without realizing it

Isabella Chase by Isabella Chase | February 4, 2025, 4:05 pm

Ever feel like you’ve got a magnet for the wrong people? Like no matter what you do, you keep ending up with friends, partners, or colleagues who drain your energy, take advantage of your kindness, or just aren’t right for you?

It’s frustrating, right? And it’s easy to think it’s just bad luck. But the truth is, the way we communicate and present ourselves can sometimes send out signals we’re not even aware of—signals that attract the very people we’re trying to avoid.

The good news? Once you figure out what’s happening beneath the surface, you can start making small changes that have a big impact.

Let’s dive into eight things you might be doing without realizing it—and how to turn things around.

1) You’re too focused on “fixing” people

Ever find yourself drawn to people who seem like they need saving? Maybe they’ve got unresolved issues, bad habits, or a history of toxic relationships, and you feel like you’re the one who can help turn things around for them.

It might come from a place of kindness or wanting to make a difference, but here’s the thing: when you take on a “fixer” role, you’re more likely to attract people who thrive on being rescued—or who don’t want to change at all.

Instead of building balanced, healthy connections, you end up in one-sided relationships where you give and give, but rarely get anything back.

The truth is, you can’t fix anyone but yourself. And while it’s great to be supportive, it’s also important to set boundaries and recognize when someone isn’t ready—or willing—to do the work on their own.

2) You ignore red flags because you want to see the good in people

I used to be the type of person who gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Someone could show up late to plans for the fifth time, make a hurtful comment, or straight-up ghost me for weeks, and I’d convince myself they didn’t mean it.

“They’re just busy,” I’d think. “They’re going through something.” Or worse, “Maybe I’m overreacting.”

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t overreacting. Ignoring those red flags only led me to relationships where I constantly felt undervalued and frustrated. Looking back, the signs were always there—I just chose to look past them because I wanted to believe people were better than their actions.

It’s not easy to admit, but sometimes our desire to see the good in others blinds us to who they really are.

Trust me, it’s okay to walk away when someone shows you they’re not treating you the way you deserve. You’re not being “too harsh” or “unfair”—you’re protecting your peace, and that’s nothing to feel guilty about.

3) You mistake intensity for connection

Ever notice how high-energy, whirlwind relationships—whether romantic or platonic—can feel magnetic at first? The intense conversations, the constant texts, the feeling like you’ve known this person forever.

It’s easy to confuse that rush of emotions with a deep, meaningful connection.

But here’s the kicker: intensity and connection aren’t the same thing. Intensity is often fueled by unpredictability or emotional highs and lows, which can trigger a flood of dopamine in your brain. That chemical rush makes the relationship feel exciting, even if it’s built on shaky ground.

Real connection, on the other hand, takes time. It’s steady, grounded, and based on mutual trust and understanding—not just emotional fireworks. When we chase intensity, we sometimes overlook whether the relationship is actually healthy or sustainable in the long run.

4) You’re not clear about your boundaries

If you’re not upfront about what you’re okay with and what crosses the line, people will naturally test those limits—whether they mean to or not.

Without clear boundaries, it’s easy to fall into patterns where others take more than they give or push you into situations that leave you feeling uncomfortable or drained.

I get it—setting boundaries can feel awkward, especially if you’re worried about offending someone or coming across as “difficult.” But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about showing others how to treat you.

When you’re vague or passive about your needs, it’s like handing someone a map with no directions. They’ll either wander aimlessly or step on things they shouldn’t.

Being clear about your boundaries helps weed out people who won’t respect them. And the ones who truly value you? They’ll appreciate the clarity and respect you even more for it.

5) You’re afraid of being alone

This one hit me hard when I finally admitted it to myself.

For a long time, I was so scared of being alone that I clung to relationships, even when I knew they weren’t good for me. Whether it was a friend who constantly let me down or a partner who didn’t treat me right, I’d convince myself that having someone—anyone—was better than being by myself.

But, when you’re afraid of being alone, you’re more likely to settle for the wrong people. You start making excuses for bad behavior or lowering your standards just to keep the connection alive.

And honestly? It never feels good. You end up lonelier in those relationships than you would have been on your own.

The moment I stopped fearing solitude, everything changed. I started valuing my own company and realized it’s better to wait for the right people than hold on to the wrong ones.

Alone doesn’t mean incomplete—it means making space for something better.

6) You’re too nice

Being kind is a great quality—one the world could use more of. But here’s the tricky part: if you’re always “too nice”, it can backfire.

When you constantly put other people’s needs above your own, agree to things you don’t want to do, or avoid speaking up to keep the peace, you can unintentionally attract people who take advantage of that.

I know, it sounds odd—how can being nice ever be a problem? The issue isn’t kindness itself; it’s when kindness turns into people-pleasing. It sends a message that you’re willing to bend over backward for others, even at your own expense.

And unfortunately, not everyone will appreciate that in a healthy way. Some will see it as an opportunity to walk all over you.

The key is learning to balance kindness with self-respect. You can be warm and giving without sacrificing your own needs or letting others treat you poorly. True kindness includes being kind to yourself, too.

7) You confuse potential with reality

Have you ever met someone and thought, “Wow, they could be amazing if they just [insert thing here]?”

Maybe they’ve got big dreams but no follow-through, or they’re kind and caring in small moments but inconsistent the rest of the time. It’s easy to latch onto their potential—the version of them you hope they’ll become—instead of seeing who they are right now.

But here’s the hard truth: people don’t change unless they want to, and sticking around for “what could be” often means ignoring the reality of who they are today.

It’s not about giving up on people but about being honest with yourself. Are you building a connection with the person in front of you, or are you holding out for someone they might never become? 

8) You don’t value yourself enough

If you don’t believe you’re worthy of healthy, fulfilling relationships, you’ll keep settling for less. It’s as simple—and as painful—as that.

When your self-worth is low, you start to tolerate things you shouldn’t: disrespect, neglect, or even outright toxicity. You convince yourself that it’s the best you can get or that it’s what you deserve.

Remember, the way you see yourself teaches others how to treat you. If you don’t value your own time, energy, and emotions, why would anyone else?

The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. When you start showing up for yourself—really showing up—it changes everything. You stop chasing people who don’t see your worth and start attracting those who do.

Why attracting the right people starts with you

If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably realized that the people we attract often reflect how we see ourselves and what we’re willing to accept. It’s not about blaming yourself—it’s about understanding that the power to create healthier, more fulfilling connections starts with you.

When you value yourself, set clear boundaries, and let go of unhealthy patterns, you send out a signal to the world: I know my worth. And the amazing thing is, people who respect and appreciate that will naturally be drawn to you.

As the saying goes, “You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around.” And sometimes, the biggest step is learning to choose differently—starting with choosing yourself.