There’s a fine line between guiding your kids and causing resentment. As parents, it’s easy to step over this line, especially when your kids are all grown up.

The difference lies in respect. Making comments that undermine their adulthood only creates resentment and tension.

As a parent, you need to understand the power of your words. And yes, there are certain phrases that can instantly trigger resentment in your adult kids.

Here are some phrases to avoid saying to your adult children if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.

1) “When I was your age…”

We all have heard this phrase from our parents at some point in our lives. But as an adult, hearing this from your parents can be a real trigger.

This phrase is usually used to compare situations or actions from the past to the present. And while it may seem harmless to parents, to adult children it feels like a judgment or criticism of their choices.

The problem arises when parents use this phrase to imply that they had it tougher, did things better, or knew more at the same age.

Unintentionally, this phrase can belittle the experiences and challenges your adult children are facing in today’s world which is vastly different from the past.

As a parent, it’s important to respect your children’s journey and refrain from comparing it with your own past experiences.

So, if you want to avoid triggering resentment in your adult kids, it might be best to drop this phrase from your vocabulary.

2) “Why don’t you settle down like your brother/sister?”

Comparisons are never a good idea, especially when it comes to your own kids. I learned this the hard way.

I remember once casually saying to my daughter, “Why don’t you settle down like your brother?” It was just a passing comment, but the effect was immediate and intense. Her face fell, and I could see in her eyes the resentment brewing.

In that moment I realized, I was not only comparing her to her brother but also questioning her choices. What I intended as a gentle nudge felt to her like a harsh judgment.

Each child is unique and has their own path to follow. Comparing them with their siblings only creates resentment and rivalry.

The lesson here? Avoid comparisons at all costs. Your kids are individuals and should be treated as such.

3) “You’re always on that phone”

It’s no secret that we live in a digital age. The average adult spends around four hours a day on their mobile device. For the younger generation, it’s even more.

This phrase, “You’re always on that phone”, while it may seem innocent, can be a source of contention between parents and their adult children. It implies a disconnect, a lack of attention or engagement.

What parents sometimes fail to understand is that the smartphone era has integrated technology into nearly every aspect of life. From work to social connections, everything is now just a tap away.

Instead of criticizing the screen time, it might be more constructive to engage in a discussion about the content of what they’re viewing or creating online. This not only shows interest but can also lead to open and healthier communication.

4) “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Fashion is personal. It’s an expression of identity and personal style. But when parents question their adult child’s choice of attire with, “Is that what you’re wearing?”, it can instantly trigger resentment.

This phrase can come across as a critique on their appearance or even a judgment on their decision-making capabilities. This can be particularly damaging to their self-esteem and confidence.

As a parent, it’s crucial to remember that your adult child is capable of making their own choices, including what they choose to wear. Showing respect for their choices, even if they’re different from your own, is a huge step towards maintaining a healthy relationship.

5) “You should…”

Advice is great when it’s asked for, but when it’s unsolicited, it can often feel like criticism.

The phrase “You should…” is a classic example of unsolicited advice. Parents often use it with good intentions, hoping to guide their adult children based on their own experiences.

But here’s the thing, your adult child is not you. They have their own experiences and perspectives that are different from yours.

By starting sentences with “You should…”, you’re imposing your own beliefs and expectations on them. This can make them feel like they’re not being valued for their own judgment or decision-making capabilities.

It’s perfectly okay to give advice but try to do it in a way that respects their autonomy. A simple rephrase like “Have you considered…” can make all the difference.

6) “I’m just saying it for your own good”

As a parent, you want what’s best for your child, even when they’re all grown up. I get it. We all do. This often leads to comments like “I’m just saying it for your own good”, thinking it will justify any harsh or blunt advice.

But this phrase can come off as dismissive and condescending, implying that your adult child can’t know what’s best for themselves.

It’s important to remember that good intentions don’t always result in positive feelings. Sometimes, the way a message is delivered matters more than the message itself.

So next time, instead of justifying your comments, try explaining your concerns in a more understanding and empathetic way. This can help you connect with your adult child on a deeper level while also respecting their autonomy.

7) “You never listen to me”

This phrase hits close to home for me. I remember saying it out of frustration to my son one day when he didn’t follow my advice.

“You never listen to me”, I blurted out. But soon after those words left my mouth, I saw the resentment in his eyes. It was then I realized how negative and accusatory it sounded.

This phrase suggests that your adult child intentionally ignores your advice or opinions, which can make them feel belittled or undervalued. It doesn’t consider the possibility that they might be processing your words in their own way, or simply making a different choice.

So, instead of accusing them of not listening, try to create a space for open and respectful dialogue where both parties feel heard and understood.

8) “When are you going to give me grandchildren?”

This is one question that many parents can’t wait to ask their adult children. But, it’s a phrase that can instantly trigger resentment.

Having children is a deeply personal decision. Pressuring your adult child with questions about grandchildren not only invades their privacy but also imposes your own desires onto their life choices.

Remember, everyone has their own timeline for major life events. Your adult child might have different priorities, plans or circumstances that you may not be aware of.

So, instead of asking about grandchildren, try showing support and interest in their current life journey. That way, they’ll feel loved and valued for who they are now, not just for the potential future roles they might take on.

9) “I did my best”

This phrase, while usually said in defense or as a form of self-justification, can be a trigger for resentment among adult children.

“I did my best” can shut down any attempt for open dialogue about past issues or childhood experiences. It can make your adult child feel as if their feelings or perceptions are not valid or important.

Remember, acknowledging their feelings doesn’t mean you didn’t do your best. It simply means you’re validating their experiences and emotions.

Openness to understanding and empathizing with your adult child’s perspective is key to maintaining a strong and respectful relationship.