Loneliness is one of the most painful human experiences.

And what makes it even more difficult is when you’re doing things that push people away without even realizing it.

I’ve studied human behavior and psychology for years, and I’ve noticed patterns—specific behaviors that create distance between people, often completely unintentionally.

The people engaging in these behaviors aren’t bad people. They’re often kind, interesting individuals who genuinely want connection. But something in how they interact creates a barrier that others can’t quite get past.

The frustrating part? They usually have no idea they’re doing it.

Today, I want to shine a light on these patterns. Not to criticize or make anyone feel worse, but because awareness is the first step toward change. If you’ve struggled to form close friendships despite wanting them, one of these behaviors might be the invisible wall between you and connection.

Understanding what’s happening is the beginning of transformation.

1) They make every conversation about themselves

This is perhaps the most common pattern I see.

Someone shares something about their day, and instead of asking a follow-up question or showing interest, the other person immediately pivots: “Oh, that reminds me of when I…”

Every topic becomes a springboard to talk about their own experiences, their own opinions, their own stories.

Here’s the thing: they’re not doing this maliciously. Often, they think they’re being relatable, showing they understand by sharing similar experiences. They think they’re building connection through commonality.

But what actually happens is the other person feels unheard. Their experience gets eclipsed. The conversation never goes deeper into what they were sharing—it immediately shifts focus.

True connection requires space for both people. It requires genuine curiosity about another person’s inner world, not just using their words as a launching pad for your own.

I’ve learned through my work with mindfulness and Buddhist philosophy that deep listening—really being present with what someone else is saying—is a practice. In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How to Live with Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how the ego constantly wants to insert itself into conversations. Real connection happens when we can quiet that impulse and truly hear someone else.

If most of your conversations end up being about you, even when they didn’t start that way, this might be why deeper friendships aren’t forming.

2) They’re always available, never busy with their own life

This sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true.

People who have no close friends are often immediately available for any social opportunity. They have no other plans. They’re free whenever. They’ll drop everything to hang out.

On the surface, this seems like it should help friendships form. You’re available! You’re eager! You’re making time for people!

But here’s what actually happens: constant availability can signal that you don’t have much going on in your life. It can create an imbalance where the other person feels like they’re your only source of social connection—which is a lot of pressure.

It can also make interactions feel less special. If you’re always available, there’s no anticipation, no sense that you’re making a particular choice to spend time with this person.

Strong friendships form between people who have full lives that they choose to share with each other. Not between someone with a full life and someone waiting for any invitation.

Living between Vietnam and Singapore, running my media business, I’ve learned that having your own projects, interests, and commitments actually makes you more interesting to others. It gives you things to talk about. It makes your time feel more valuable when you do share it.

3) They agree with everything to avoid conflict

Some people think friendship means always agreeing, never disagreeing, keeping everything smooth and pleasant.

So they nod along with opinions they don’t share. They laugh at jokes they don’t find funny. They suppress their own preferences to match whoever they’re with.

They think they’re being agreeable and easy to get along with. They think they’re avoiding conflict that might damage the relationship.

But what they’re actually doing is preventing anyone from knowing the real them.

Close friendships require authenticity. They require showing your actual personality, including the parts that might not perfectly align with the other person.

When you agree with everything, you become a mirror rather than a person. And it’s very difficult to form a close bond with a mirror.

Real friends can disagree and still value each other. In fact, the ability to disagree respectfully and remain connected is a sign of a strong friendship, not a weak one.

If you’re constantly suppressing your real opinions and preferences to keep things smooth, you’re not actually connecting with people. You’re managing their impression of a version of you that doesn’t really exist.

4) They overshare too quickly

On the opposite end of the spectrum from those who never share anything real are those who share everything immediately.

First conversation, and they’re talking about their childhood trauma. Second interaction, and you’re hearing about their relationship problems in detail. Third time meeting, and they’re discussing their deepest insecurities.

This comes from a genuine desire for connection. They think that intimacy equals immediate vulnerability, that deep sharing will fast-track friendship.

But oversharing too quickly often has the opposite effect. It can feel overwhelming. It puts the other person in a position of holding intense information before trust has been established.

It’s like trying to sprint before you’ve learned to walk.

Healthy friendships develop gradually. There’s a natural rhythm to how vulnerability deepens—you share something small, the other person responds well, you share something slightly bigger, and so on.

When you dump heavy, intimate information on someone early, it can make them pull back. Not because they don’t care, but because the pace feels wrong. The container of the relationship hasn’t been built yet.

Real intimacy is earned through time, consistency, and mutual sharing—not through immediate exposure.

5) They keep score and expect immediate reciprocity

Some people approach friendship like a transaction.

They remember every favor, every invitation, every effort. And they keep mental score of whether the other person is matching their investment.

“I invited them twice, but they haven’t invited me yet.”

“I helped them move, but they didn’t offer to help me.”

“I always text first—why don’t they?”

They become resentful when things don’t feel perfectly balanced. They pull back when they feel they’re giving more than they’re receiving.

But here’s what they don’t realize: healthy friendships aren’t transactional. They ebb and flow. Sometimes you’re the one giving more, sometimes the other person is. It balances over time, not in every interaction.

When you’re constantly keeping score, you’re creating an atmosphere of obligation rather than genuine connection. People can sense when they’re being tracked and measured, and it makes them uncomfortable.

True friendship requires a degree of generosity without expectation. You give because you want to, not because you expect immediate return.

In my exploration of Buddhist principles, I’ve learned about the concept of dana—generosity without attachment to outcome. This principle applies beautifully to friendship. The moment you start keeping score, you’ve moved away from authentic connection.

6) They’re either completely absent or intensely present with no middle ground

I’ve noticed this pattern repeatedly: people who struggle with close friendships often can’t find a sustainable middle ground in their relationships.

They’re either completely absorbed in a new friendship—texting constantly, wanting to hang out all the time, making the person their whole social world—or they’re completely absent, disappearing for weeks or months at a time.

Both extremes push people away.

The intense phase can be overwhelming. It can feel like too much too fast, creating pressure and claustrophobia. The other person might enjoy your company but need more space than you’re allowing.

Then, when you swing to the other extreme and disappear, they feel confused or abandoned. The inconsistency makes it impossible to develop trust and stability.

Lasting friendships require consistency. Not constant contact, but reliable, sustainable presence. Regular check-ins. Predictable patterns. A steady rhythm that both people can count on.

If you find yourself in these extreme swings—all in or all out—it might be worth examining what’s driving that pattern. Often it’s anxiety about the relationship itself, which paradoxically undermines the very connection you’re seeking.

7) They take things personally and get defensive easily

Close friendships require a degree of ease and resilience.

Friends joke with each other. They occasionally say things that come out wrong. They forget to text back sometimes. They cancel plans when life gets busy.

Most of this is just normal human imperfection—not personal attacks or signs of not caring.

But people who struggle to maintain close friendships often interpret everything through a personal lens. A canceled plan becomes evidence they’re not valued. A joke becomes an insult. A delayed response becomes rejection.

They get defensive when gentle feedback is offered. They withdraw when they feel slighted. They require constant reassurance that the friendship is okay.

This hyper-sensitivity makes it exhausting to be their friend. The other person has to constantly monitor their words, over-explain their actions, and manage the other person’s insecurity.

Close friendships need room for imperfection on both sides. You need to be able to assume good intent, to let small things go, to be direct about bigger things without it becoming a crisis.

If you find yourself frequently feeling hurt or defensive in friendships, it might be worth exploring whether you’re bringing past wounds or insecurities into present relationships where they don’t actually belong.

8) They never initiate or take the lead

Here’s a subtle pattern that gradually erodes potential friendships: always being passive.

Never suggesting plans. Always waiting for the other person to reach out. Never taking initiative to deepen the relationship. Just responding, never initiating.

This often comes from fear of rejection or not wanting to be a burden. “If they wanted to hang out, they’d invite me.” “I don’t want to be pushy.” “I’ll let them decide.”

But friendship requires mutual effort. When one person is always initiating and the other is only responding, an imbalance forms. Eventually, the person doing all the work starts to wonder if the other person actually cares about the friendship.

They might like you just fine, but the constant one-sidedness suggests you’re not invested. That you’re passively accepting friendship rather than actively choosing it.

Real connection requires risk. Reaching out. Suggesting plans. Saying “I’ve been thinking about you.” Taking the initiative to make the friendship happen, not just waiting for it to happen to you.

I’ve learned this through my own experience building relationships across different cultures and contexts. The friendships that have deepened are the ones where both people actively invest, where both people sometimes reach out first, where both people take responsibility for maintaining connection.

The path to genuine connection

If you’ve recognized yourself in any of these patterns, I want you to know something important: you’re not broken, and you’re not doomed to loneliness.

These behaviors are usually coping mechanisms developed over time, often in response to earlier experiences of rejection or hurt. They made sense once, even if they’re not serving you now.

The beautiful thing about human behavior is that it can change. Once you see the pattern, you can begin to shift it.

In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism, I explore the Buddhist concept of mindfulness—bringing awareness to our patterns without judgment. This awareness itself is transformative. You start noticing when you’re about to redirect a conversation to yourself, and you can make a different choice. You notice when you’re about to get defensive, and you can pause.

Small changes create significant shifts over time.

Start by practicing genuine curiosity about others. Ask follow-up questions. Listen more than you speak. Let conversations unfold naturally rather than forcing intimacy or controlling the direction.

Develop your own life—interests, projects, routines—so you have things to share and aren’t dependent on any one person for all your social needs.

Practice authentic presence: not agreement with everything, not immediate oversharing, but genuine expression of your real thoughts and feelings at an appropriate pace.

Let go of scorekeeping. Give generously without expectation. Trust that healthy relationships balance over time.

Take initiative. Reach out. Suggest plans. Show people through your actions that you value the connection.

And perhaps most importantly: be patient with yourself and with the process. Close friendships take time to develop. They require consistent, authentic presence over months and years, not immediate intensity.

You’re worthy of deep, meaningful friendships. The fact that you’re reading this, seeking to understand what might be getting in the way, shows you’re ready to make changes.

Connection is possible. It’s waiting on the other side of these patterns, ready to meet you when you’re ready to show up differently.

And that journey starts now.