We all know people who radiate true self-love, living authentically and confidently. Then there are those who merely pretend, their self-worth hinging on approval of others.

The difference often comes down to subtle behaviors. Truly liking yourself means embracing who you are, while those just pretending put on a mask to hide insecurities.

Observing these behaviors can be enlightening. Better yet, adopting these genuine self-appreciation habits can spark a real change in how you perceive yourself.

Here are 8 distinct ways in which people who genuinely love themselves behave differently from those who just put up a facade. Ready to explore?

1) Authenticity versus facade

People who truly love themselves aren’t afraid to be authentic. They express their feelings, opinions, and desires openly without fear of judgement. They believe that their viewpoint matters and has value, even when it differs from the crowd.

On the other hand, you have those who only pretend to like themselves. These individuals often hide their true selves under a polished façade. Afraid of showing their real selves, they constantly tailor their behaviour to what they believe people want to see. They assume multiple roles within the same day and rarely express authentic emotions or thoughts.

To put it plainly, authenticity emerges naturally from those who genuinely like themselves, while pretenders are more prone to manipulation of their personas. They’re constantly swimming against their tide, which is not only exhausting, but creates a shield preventing others to connect with them on a deep level. Gambling their own happiness for approval, they’re often left feeling hollow at the end of the day.

Observed closely, the difference in behavior can be quite eye-opening. But remember, understanding this doesn’t just expose pretenders, but also paves way for our own self-love growth journey.

2) Self-respect versus people-pleasing

I’ve always admired my friend Emily for her unwavering self-respect. She’s one of those people who genuinely likes herself, and it’s evident in how she conducts herself. Emily doesn’t allow anyone to treat her poorly, and she always stands firm in her beliefs, regardless of the opposition.

I remember once we were at a gathering where our mutual acquaintance, Jared, tried to make her the butt of a joke. Instead of laughing awkwardly or brushing it off like most of us would have, Emily calmly responded, “Jared, I value myself too much to let you belittle me for laughs. I think an apology is in order.”

The nerve of it seemed shocking, but it was this very self-respect that saved her.

Comparatively, if I reflect back on those times when I didn’t quite like myself as I should have, I notice how desperately I tried to please everyone. It’s funny how at one point, I was mightily proud of being ‘flexible’. But beneath that so-called flexibility, was a person who’d bend backwards to please people, at the cost of my own happiness, self-respect and even dignity. Being a People-pleaser was akin to handing over control to others, allowing them to define my worth.

Comparing my past-self with Emily, I came to understand the core differences in behaviour between those who genuinely love themselves and those pretending to. Suddenly, the path to self-love seemed a lot more tangible and worth striving for.

3) Pursuing personal growth vs seeking external validation

Individuals who are comfortable in their own skin strive towards personal growth. They see failures not as personal defects, but as opportunities for learning and growth. They set personal goals not to impress others but purely out of an intrinsic desire to improve and evolve.

Take, for example, the Japanese philosophy of ‘Kaizen’ which translates to ‘continuous improvement’. It emphasizes the idea that daily, incremental changes can eventually lead to big transformations. This is a philosophy embraced by many who truly appreciate themselves.

Those pretending to like themselves, however, tend to constantly seek validation from external sources. A new car, a glamorous vacation or designer clothes are often seen as symbols of success. Yet, they are usually driven less by personal satisfaction and more by the desire to create an impression. And believe it or not, this chase is often endless and unsatisfying, leading to a vicious cycle of insecurities.

From the outside, the constant pursuit of ‘more’ might seem ambitious. But in reality, it could just be a mask hiding a lack of self-worth. Understanding this difference could be a game changer in embracing the path to genuine self-love.

4) Accepting flaws vs projecting perfection

One of the most defining traits of individuals who genuinely like themselves is their acceptance of personal flaws. They understand that nobody is perfect, so they don’t attempt to hide or deny their faults. Instead, they acknowledge these as part of their unique character. They do not punish themselves with constant self-criticism but choose to embrace their imperfections.

Meanwhile, people who are pretending to like themselves often strive for perfection. They invest a lot of energy into appearing flawless, creating an ideal image they feel they need to maintain. They are constantly on edge and live with the fear of their ‘imperfections’ being discovered.

In reality, perfection is a myth and its pursuit can be exhausting. Accepting flaws and living authentically is a sign of true self-like, and it’s a healthier, more sustainable approach to life.

5) Valuing realness vs maintaining popularity

This has always touched me deeply – real people who genuinely like themselves are more interested in being real than being ‘liked’. They value authenticity over popularity, placing importance on transparency and honesty, even at the risk of losing followers. They engage in meaningful conversations, they seek deep relationships, and they’re not afraid to show vulnerability.

On the contrary, those pretending to like themselves are often more concerned about maintaining their popularity. They change their opinions to fit in with the popular view, and they play safe, avoiding difficult conversations. They put up walls, afraid to show their vulnerable side as they believe it might tarnish their carefully curated image.

The beauty of genuine self-lovers is found in their vulnerability and realness, which also enables others around them to be themselves. They teach us that it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to not try and please everyone in the room. That’s a sentiment that tugs at heartstrings since, at the end of the day, all that we seek is to love and to be loved for who we truly are.

6) Firm boundaries vs bending over backwards

Establishing firm boundaries is a way of setting expectations for how we allow others to treat us. I learned this lesson a bit later in life, after many instances of sacrificing my own happiness to accommodate others. I had to understand that saying ‘No’ could be an act of self-love in itself.

True self-likers set these boundaries and uphold them, without feeling guilty about it. They respect their own time, energy, and emotional space and unapologetically expect others to do the same.

However, people pretending to like themselves often have trouble creating and maintaining boundaries. They constantly bend over backwards to accommodate the whims and needs of others. They find it hard to say ‘No’ as they live in the fear of disappointing others, and their own well-being takes a backseat in the process.

It took me some time, but I’m proud to say I’ve learned to respect my own needs for personal space, emotional peace, and the freedom to live life on my own terms. The transformation I’ve experienced is profound and has led me to share this insight, hoping it would benefit those on a similar journey towards genuine self-like.

7) Celebrating success vs constant comparison

When you truly like yourself, you don’t feel threatened by other people’s achievements. Rather, you’re able to celebrate their victories while still recognizing and celebrating your own. You understand that everyone is on their own journey and there is no valid comparison or competition.

For those pretending to like themselves, the world is often seen through the lens of competition. They are constantly looking over their shoulder, comparing themselves with others. Every achievement made by someone else is perceived as their own failure, leading to a constant state of dissatisfaction and unease.

Recognizing this contrast can lead us towards a healthier self-perception. Instead of engaging in an unwinnable comparison race, we make our life’s journey more about personal growth, celebrating successes – both ours and others. This is a telltale sign of genuine self-love and can lead to a much happier, content life.

8) Nourishing self-talk vs self-destructive dialogue

This is perhaps the most distinguishing trait: the way people talk to themselves. Those who genuinely love themselves have a positive, nourishing internal dialogue. They pep themselves up, they forgive their mistakes and they’re kind to themselves. They understand that they are human, bound to err, and that’s totally alright.

Conversely, those pretending to like themselves often have a destructive internal dialogue. Their self-talk is harsh, merciless, and unforgiving. Errors are not looked upon as learning opportunities, but as devastating setbacks that damage their self-perceived image.

Taking control of our internal dialogue can lead to a transformative change in the way we feel about ourselves. Speaking kindly to ourselves, accepting our fallibilities and treating ourselves with love and respect, is a powerful way toward genuinely liking ourselves.

Final thoughts: It’s a journey

In psychology, Sigmund Freud introduced a concept known as the ‘ego’ which he defined as the realistic part of the mind mediating between the desires of both the ‘id’ and ‘superego’. The balanced ego, much like genuine self-appreciation, is a dynamic space where we learn to reconcile our desires with more pragmatic aspects of life.

The journey from pretending to like ourselves to genuinely appreciating ourselves isn’t about flipping a switch, but more about learning, growing, and evolving. It involves letting go of societal expectations, embracing our uniqueness, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing a positive inner dialogue.

Remember, this is a life-long journey, not a destination. And this journey could potentially hold the key to unlocking a happier, more fulfilling life.

Like the famous quote from Buddha says, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Let that sink in.

As the journey unfolds, let’s continue to strive towards genuine self-love, as it sets the foundation for everything we do in life. In the end, the most enduring relationship we have is the one with ourselves. May ours be a journey of authenticity, acceptance, and ever-deepening self-love.