Being a grandparent can be a lesson in biting your tongue. We all want the best for our grandkids, but we quickly realize we aren’t the ones in charge of raising them.

Grandparenting brings its own set of guidelines, where we must set aside our personal beliefs about child-rearing, whether we think they’re right or not. The fact is, it’s an act of discernment, a curious dance between involvement and restraint.

Grandparents often pick up on the way their grandchildren are being raised, spotting things they wouldn’t naturally endorse. But there’s a wisdom in knowing when to step in and when not to.

Here are 8 things we grandparents immediately notice about how our grandchildren are being raised that we’ve learned not to raise – at least, not in the same way we once did.

1) Discipline difference

We’ve all been there.

You’re visiting your grandchildren and you notice something that gives you pause. The way discipline – or lack thereof – is handled.

In our day, firm discipline was almost synonymous with good parenting, and that’s how we raised our kids. But the parenting styles now are drastically different.

Parents today lean towards explaining and reasoning. Timeouts have replaced spankings, and discussions replace reprimands. Emotion coaching is the new norm.

It’s not necessarily bad; just different.

Understanding this change without criticizing, however, can be one of the biggest challenges. We see it, we recognize it, but we’ve learned to respect it as part of the new parenting era.

It’s part of evolving grandparent roles in our grandkids’ lives, and perhaps, it’s the first line of accepting the differences between our child-rearing ways and theirs.

2) The technology takeover

The second thing that stood out to me was the influence of technology in raising children. Back in our time, play meant running in the park, climbing trees, or imaginative games with friends. Screen time was limited and closely monitored.

When I visited my granddaughter, Lily, I was astonished by her adeptness with an iPad. Not yet three, she could navigate through apps, switch between games, and even knew how to skip ads on YouTube videos. It took me aback.

My initial thought was, “This isn’t right! Children her age should be playing with blocks and dolls, not swiping on screens!”

But then I watched her closer — she was learning shapes, numbers, and letters, all with the swipe of her finger. And as she maneuvered her way through obstacles in a game, I realized she was developing problem-solving skills.

It was a new way to learn, and while it was unusual for me, I began to see its worth. I’ve now learned to embrace technology as a part of their upbringing, as long as it’s used in moderation and supplemented with physical activities and social interaction. It’s one of those things I’ve noted but learned not to raise.

3) Less rigidity in routines

Gone are the days when children were expected to adhere to rigid schedules – wake up at this time, play till then, lunch at noon sharp, nap-time at 2pm, so on and so forth.

Now, there’s more flexibility. Parents today are allowing their little ones more freedom when it comes to establishing their daily routines. “Child-led” has become the new buzzword, with the belief that it fosters independence.

Interesting to note, however, that studies have shown that children who have regular bedtimes and meal times, perform better at school. The structure and predictability also reduce behavior problems, according to a report by the American Academy of Pediatrics.

So while I see the appeal of a more relaxed routine, the research presents a strong case for structured routines, at least in certain aspects. Regardless, I’ve noticed this change in attitude, accepted it, and learned to keep my thoughts to myself.

4) A shift in academic expectations

I’ve observed an interesting shift when it comes to educational expectations. In our days, academic achievement was heavily prioritized; letter grades were closely watched, and a straight ‘A’ report card was a mark of success.

Fast forward to today, and there’s a noticeable softening in this academic rigor. Many parents seem more focused on their child’s happiness and emotional well-being rather than academic excellence. An emphasis on social skills, creativity, and moral values seems to have gradually replaced the rat race for top grades.

This doesn’t mean parents no longer care about academic success, they simply have a more balanced perspective.

As a grandparent, I initially found this shift puzzling. But ultimately, I appreciate the holistic approach to childhood development. I’ve come to realize that success isn’t confined to academia and there are many paths to a fulfilling life. It’s another aspect I notice, understand and respect, even though it diverges from traditional beliefs.

5) Prioritizing self-expression

In my day, children were to be seen and not heard. Their opinions didn’t hold much weight, and they weren’t encouraged to express thoughts openly.

Now, it’s a different story.

When I see my grandson, Jake, confidently voicing his opinion or expressing his feelings, I’m both surprised and deeply moved. From his food preferences to his clothing choices, Jake is encouraged to develop and express personal preferences. His parents seek his input in decisions large and small.

I admit it’s novel to me, to see children so openly expressing their thoughts. Yet, there’s something beautiful in it – the blossoming of individuality, independent thought, and the courage to express one’s self.

The immense respect for children’s voices and feelings today touches my heart. It impresses upon me the importance of nurturing not just compliant children, but freethinkers and changemakers. It’s another learning curve for us grandparents, and a practice I’ve grown to admire deeply.

6) Dealing with defeat

I remember, years back when my son was in Little League. He was part of the losing team in the championship game. Tears welled up in his eyes as he accepted his participation trophy. I also recollect telling him, “It’s not about the trophy, it’s about the game.”

Fast forward to present day, I see a stark difference in how my grandson and his friends handle defeats. Rather than push disappointment under the rug or preach about sportsmanship, their feelings are acknowledged and validated.

Coping with defeat is now treated more as a life skill, an opportunity to handle setback and learn resilience.

I was taken aback when I first saw my daughter consoling her son post defeat, instead of inducing him with a “get over it” attitude.

And I’ll be honest — it made me reflect on my own parenting style. Was it a sign of the times, or had I been too harsh?

This is one of the many instances, when you, as a grandparent, notice, understand, and quietly introspect about your own ways, learning from the new generation’s approach.

7) Open conversations about mental health

Historically, mental health hasn’t exactly been a dinner table topic. We often shrugged off feelings of anxiety or depression, categorizing them as a bad day or, worse, a sign of weakness.

Imagine my surprise when I overhead my grandson discussing stress and anxiety with his mom at the dinner table. And more surprisingly, instead of brushing it off, she was engaged, asking questions, and offering support.

This emphasis on mental health awareness and emotional wellness is quite a departure from the “tough it out” mentality of our day. Children are encouraged to address their feelings, fears, and emotional struggles openly.

The importance of mental health isn’t just acknowledged; it’s prioritized, right alongside physical health. It’s a change that I notice and, with a full heart, appreciate in today’s parenting landscape.

As a grandparent, this encourages me to not only acknowledge, but also understand mental health better and its implications on one’s overall well-being.

8) Acceptance over perfection

The most significant change I’ve witnessed in today’s parenting is the acceptance of a child for who they are, rather than who we want them to be. Perfect scores, flawless manners, and absolute obedience have given way to empathy, originality, and finding happiness.

Parents are investing more in understanding their children’s individual traits rather than molding them into an ideal stereotype. Be it their skills, passions, or even their quirks, everything is cherished. The emphasis is more on developing the unique potential of each child, rather than pushing them to meet pre-set standards.

In their world of acceptance and recognition, every child is perfect in their own way. As grandparents, this is unbeatable wisdom we not only observe, but also need to imbibe. Because the key to a loving relationship with our grandchildren is acceptance, with no desire to change or correct their course of life. It’s not just about noticing; it’s about embracing the change we see.

Embracing the evolution

The nuances of parenting are as varied as the parents themselves. And as grandparents, observing these nuances can be enlightening, confusing, and at times, challenging.

While there are noticeable changes in child-rearing practices, it’s important to remember that no method is fundamentally right or wrong. Each generation brings its approach, guided by its time, knowledge, and environment.

The transformative phrase by British philosopher Herbert Spencer applies fittingly here: “The wise parent wants what the child wants, but is far sighted.” This captures the essence of evolving grandparenting insights – the breadth of vision that bridges the parent we were, the grandparent we are, and the world our grandchildren inhabit.

Today’s parents are navigating their own paths, intertwined with the changing societal norms, advanced research in child psychology, and technological leaps. Just as we did in our time, in our own ways.

The role of a grandparent is not to judge or correct, but to observe, support and adapt. We acknowledge the differences, learn not to question or criticize, and instead, appreciate the evolution of parenthood. Because at the heart of it all, we share the same intention—to love, nurture, and raise happy, balanced individuals.