Parenting isn’t a stroll in the park. It’s an instinct-driven roller coaster ride.

Every parent wants the best for their child, and oftentimes, we lean on our instincts to guide us. But what if I told you that some of these parenting instincts could actually do more harm than good?

It’s a tough pill to swallow, I know. Yet, it’s crucial to understand why sometimes our well-meaning instincts might steer us in the wrong direction.

This article dives into “Reasons why some parenting instincts can do more harm than good”. It’s time we rethink our approach to parenting, starting with our instincts.

1) Overprotection

As parents, our natural instinct is to wrap our kids in a safety bubble and shield them from every harm. This drive to protect is hardwired in us.

But here’s the paradox. Overprotection can sometimes stunt a child’s growth and development.

Consider this: life is full of challenges and risks. If we constantly shield our children, aren’t we depriving them of valuable life lessons?

When we swoop in at every sign of danger, we may inadvertently send a message that they aren’t capable of handling things on their own. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence and independence in the long run.

So, while it’s important to ensure their safety, it’s equally crucial to give them room to learn, make mistakes, and bounce back. After all, resilience is one tough trait to instill, but it’s indispensable.

But remember, it’s a delicate balance. Not too less, not too much – just the right amount of protection does the trick.

2) Trying to fix everything

I’ll share a bit of my own parenting journey here. When my daughter was three, she had a hard time sharing her toys. My instinct was to step in immediately, smooth things over and make sure everyone played nicely.

But over time, I realized my constant interference wasn’t helping her. Instead, it was preventing her from learning how to navigate social dynamics on her own.

It was tough, but I decided to take a step back. I started allowing her to resolve minor conflicts on her own and only stepped in when absolutely necessary.

Guess what? It worked. She gradually learned to share and negotiate with her peers. She learned important lessons in empathy and cooperation – lessons she would never have learned if I had continued to step in and solve every problem for her.

Sometimes, our instinct to fix every problem our children face can rob them of the opportunity to learn crucial life skills. It’s essential to know when to step in and when to let them figure it out on their own.

3) Discouraging negative emotions

As parents, it’s tough to see our children upset. The instinct to cheer them up is almost immediate. Yet, this instinct might not be as helpful as we think.

Psychologists have found that all emotions, including negative ones like sadness or anger, play a vital role in our overall emotional health. These feelings help us understand ourselves better and navigate the world around us.

When we rush to dismiss or diminish these feelings in our kids, we might unintentionally send a message that such emotions are bad or wrong. This can lead to emotional suppression, which has been linked to a host of mental health issues later in life.

Instead of discouraging these feelings, it can be more beneficial to help them understand and express their emotions in a healthy way. This can contribute to their emotional intelligence and resilience in the long run.

4) Rewarding every accomplishment

It’s a joyous moment when our kids achieve something, be it a good grade, a sports win, or even tidying up their room. And, our instinct is to immediately reward them, believing it will encourage further success.

However, over-rewarding can actually backfire. If children expect a reward for every achievement, they might become motivated by the reward rather than the satisfaction of accomplishing a task. This can lead to a decrease in intrinsic motivation and an over-reliance on external rewards.

Instead of showering them with rewards for every accomplishment, it’s important to help them find pleasure in the process of learning and growing. This way, they learn to appreciate hard work and develop self-motivation, which is a valuable skill in life.

5) Constantly saying “I’m proud of you”

Every parent’s heart swells with pride when their child accomplishes something. And it’s only natural to want to express this sentiment.

However, constantly telling our kids “I’m proud of you” might not be the best approach. It could inadvertently convey that our love and pride are conditional on their achievements. They might start believing that they need to always perform well to earn our pride and, in turn, our love.

Instead, consider expressing your love unconditionally. Let them know that your love for them is constant, regardless of their achievements or failures.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t express pride in our children’s accomplishments. But it’s essential to balance it with reminders of our unwavering love for them, regardless of their performance. This helps cultivate a sense of self-worth that is not tied to external accomplishments.

6) Imposing our own dreams

When my son was younger, he was an amazing soccer player. I had visions of him becoming a professional athlete, and I encouraged (maybe even pushed) him to pursue this path.

Over time, however, it became clear that his passions lay elsewhere – in the world of science. It took some soul-searching on my part to realize that I had been trying to fit him into my dreams, rather than supporting his own.

Our instinct to want our children to follow in our footsteps or achieve the dreams we couldn’t can sometimes overshadow their own unique aspirations and talents.

It’s crucial to remember that our children are their own individuals with their own paths to follow. By supporting their passions rather than imposing our own, we can truly help them flourish and find their own version of success.

7) Over-scheduling activities

In today’s competitive world, there’s an instinct to keep our kids busy with a multitude of activities. From ballet classes to soccer practices to coding camps, we want them to have every opportunity to excel.

However, an over-scheduled life can lead to stress and burnout, even in children. Studies have shown that children need downtime to relax, play, and engage in creative thinking.

Too many structured activities can rob them of the chance to explore their own interests, make mistakes and learn at their own pace. These are all crucial parts of a child’s development.

While it’s great to provide opportunities for learning and growth, it’s equally important to ensure they have enough time to just be kids. Letting them enjoy unstructured playtime can foster creativity, resilience and self-discovery.

8) Not allowing failure

The instinct to see our children succeed is strong. No one wants to see their child fail or face disappointment. But here’s the hard truth – failure is a part of life, and it’s an essential part of growth.

Each failure presents an opportunity to learn, adapt, and build resilience. When we swoop in to prevent every failure, we rob our children of these valuable lessons.

It’s essential to let children experience failure in a safe and supportive environment. It’s not about watching them struggle, it’s about letting them learn how to overcome obstacles, bounce back from setbacks, and develop resilience. These are far more valuable than any short-term success could ever be.

Final thoughts: It’s about balance

Parenting is a complex journey, intermingled with instincts, love, and a profound desire to see our kids thrive.

But herein lies a crucial understanding: Not all instincts are beneficial. Some, despite being well-intentioned, can inadvertently hinder our child’s development.

Remember the wise words of Maria Montessori: “The greatest gifts we can give our children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

This balance between protection and freedom, guidance and independence, is what helps our children grow into confident, resilient, and fulfilled individuals. It’s about letting them fall, but being there to guide them when they pick themselves up.

At the end of the day, there’s no perfect way to parent. It’s a learning curve for us as much as it is for them.

So take a moment to reflect on your parenting instincts. Are they fostering independence and resilience in your child? Or could they be doing more harm than good? Remember, it’s never too late to change course and adapt for the betterment of your child’s future.