We all know someone who’s the life of the party in public, but a different person behind closed doors. They’re charming in groups, but when you’re alone with them, they become controlling and even hurtful.

This drastic shift in behavior isn’t random. According to psychology, there are eight tell-tale traits these individuals usually display.

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at these traits that can help you identify and understand the behavior of such individuals. It’s crucial to recognize these signs early on to protect yourself and maintain healthy relationships.

1) They’re gifted performers

It’s not a coincidence that these individuals are able to charm a room full of people. They’re excellent performers, capable of adapting their personality to fit the crowd.

In social settings, they’ll often play the role of the lovable, charismatic individual who draws everyone in. They are adept at reading social cues and utilizing them to their advantage.

But don’t let the performance fool you. When the audience is gone, the act drops. Suddenly, you’re dealing with a person who is controlling, manipulative, and hurtful.

According to psychology, this ability to switch roles so effortlessly is a common trait amongst such individuals. It’s important to recognize this trait as an act and not mistake it for their true personality.

But remember, recognizing this trait is just the starting point. There’s more to uncover about these individuals and their complex personalities.

2) They’re often excessively critical

No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. But, these individuals have a knack for finding and pointing out your imperfections. And they’re not subtle about it.

Let me share a personal experience. I once had a friend who was the most entertaining person in any gathering. He was funny, engaging, and everyone loved him. But when we were alone, he would constantly criticize me. It started with small things like my dressing sense, then escalated to my career choices and even personal life decisions.

This constant criticism wore me down and affected my self-esteem. It took me a while to realize that this was his way of exercising control.

According to psychology, excessive criticism is a common trait in such individuals. They use it as a tool to belittle others and assert their dominance. Recognizing this trait is crucial in maintaining your mental health when dealing with such individuals.

3) They’re masters of gaslighting

Gaslighting, a term derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, is an insidious form of manipulation. It involves making someone doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.

These individuals excel at gaslighting. They know how to twist situations and conversations to make you question your own understanding or feelings.

For instance, they might deny saying something hurtful or insist that an event didn’t happen the way you remember it. Over time, this consistent gaslighting can lead to confusion and self-doubt.

Psychologists identify gaslighting as a common tactic used by individuals who are charming in public but controlling in private. It’s essential to recognize this behavior as it can be damaging to your mental health over time.

4) They’re experts at playing the victim

When confronted about their hurtful behavior, these individuals rarely accept responsibility. Instead, they are experts at playing the victim.

They know how to twist the narrative to make it seem like they are the ones being wronged. They might accuse you of being overly sensitive or claim that they are misunderstood. This tactic shifts the focus from their behavior to your reaction, effectively diverting blame.

Recognizing this trait is important. When someone consistently plays the victim instead of addressing their problematic behaviors, it might be a sign of their controlling and manipulative nature behind closed doors.

5) They use love as a weapon

This is perhaps one of the most heartbreaking traits. These individuals often use love as a weapon, making their actions all the more hurtful.

They know how to shower you with affection, making you feel cherished and valued. But in private, they use that same love to control and manipulate you. They might threaten to withhold their affection if you don’t act according to their wishes or use your love for them to make you do things you’re uncomfortable with.

It’s a painful realization when someone who claims to love you uses that very love as a means to control you. Recognizing this trait is crucial, as it can help you protect your emotional wellbeing in such relationships.

6) They’re often unpredictably moody

One minute they’re all smiles and laughter, the next they’re cold and distant. Dealing with their unpredictable mood swings can be emotionally draining.

I remember dreading those sudden shifts in mood. On our good days, it felt like we were the best of friends. But then out of nowhere, a cold front would set in. No explanation, no apparent reason. It was like walking on eggshells, never knowing what would trigger a change.

Psychology tells us that this unpredictability is a common trait among individuals who are charming in public but controlling in private. It’s another tool they use to keep you off balance and under their control. Recognizing this trait is an important step in dealing with such individuals.

7) They lack empathy

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a trait often lacking in these individuals. While they can feign empathy in social situations, behind closed doors, their true colors often show.

They may dismiss your feelings, belittle your concerns, or fail to show understanding when you’re upset. This lack of empathy is not only hurtful but also a sign of their controlling nature.

Recognizing this trait can help you differentiate between genuine care and manipulative tactics. It’s important to remember that everyone deserves empathy and understanding in their relationships.

8) Their actions and words often don’t align

The most important thing to remember about these individuals is that their actions and words often don’t align. They may say one thing in public, but their actions behind closed doors tell a completely different story.

They might profess their love for you, but their behavior may be controlling and hurtful. Or they might promise to change, only to continue the same destructive patterns.

This inconsistency is a significant red flag and the key to recognizing their true nature. Trust actions over words, as they reveal the reality behind the charming facade.

Final thoughts: It’s about understanding, not blaming

Unraveling the complexities of human behavior can be a daunting task. Each of us carries a unique mixture of experiences, traits, and potential triggers that shape our interactions with others.

In the case of individuals who are charming in public but hurtful in private, it’s important to understand that their actions often stem from deep-seated insecurities or past traumas. This isn’t to excuse their behavior, but to comprehend its roots.

Remember, recognizing these traits isn’t about labeling or blaming, but about protecting oneself and fostering healthier relationships. It’s about setting boundaries, seeking help when needed, and understanding that everyone deserves respect and kindness.

It’s crucial to remember that your worth is not defined by anyone else’s actions or words. You are deserving of love and respect – Always. On this reflective note, let’s encourage understanding, empathy, and love in all our interactions.