As a parent, we all want to shield our kids from hardships. But sometimes our actions do the opposite.

Saying yes to all their demands isn’t teaching them the importance of resilience. Guiding their every step robs them of the chance to learn from their own mistakes. Parenting isn’t about creating perfect children, it’s about enabling them to tackle life’s adversities on their own.

But how do we figure out if we’re being enablers of resilience or architects of struggle? That’s where I come in.

In my years as a parenting coach, I’ve observed a few common mistakes many parents unknowingly make that pave a difficult road for their kids. Stick around and I’ll share these with you, so you can avoid falling under the same trap.

1) Overprotection

A common mistake many parents make is being overly protective.

We all want to keep our children safe – it’s innate. But trouble arises when we insulate them from every single bump and bruise.

By constantly rushing to their aid at the slightest hint of trouble, we prevent them from learning how to cope with situations themselves. This can hinder their resilience, their self-confidence, and their problem-solving abilities.

In the real world, they will inevitably encounter hardship. If we’ve always been there to remove every obstacle, how can they learn to do it for themselves?

Let’s try to strike a balance. Our aim should be to create a safe environment for our kids to learn how to overcome challenges themselves. We nurture their strength not by eliminating all obstacles, but by teaching them how to navigate through. Real growth comes from struggle, after all.

Remember, it’s not about eliminating risks, but about teaching them how to manage them.

2) Encouragement of dependency

Another mistake we can easily fall into is fostering an unhealthy dose of dependency.

Let me share a personal experience. I have three children, and my youngest is a spitfire. She’s fiercely independent, insisting on tying her own shoelaces, brushing her hair, and even attempting to cook her own meals (under supervision, of course!).

This is great, but it meant I had to take a step back. Sometimes, it was just easier to tie the shoelaces myself, especially when we were in a rush. But each time I intervened, her frustration was visible. I was unintentionally communicating that she couldn’t do it herself, which was not the narrative I wanted her to carry.

Instead of fostering dependency, I had to adjust my parenting style to encourage more self-reliance. Sure, it took a few extra minutes in the morning, but those minutes contributed to her growing confidence in her own abilities.

This adjustment wasn’t easy, but it taught me a lot. As parents, it’s our responsibility to not just take care of our kids, but also prepare them to take care of themselves. Their independence is just as important as their safety. In fostering self-reliance, we’re equipping them with the skills to navigate their life confidently.

3) Excessively setting the bar

Parents naturally want their children to excel, and often set high expectations to motivate them. However, this can backfire.

Research conducted at Stanford University has shown that high parental expectations can lead to increased stress and a propensity for cheating in children. When kids feel they need to achieve a certain standard to receive love and approval, they are likely to engage in harmful behaviors to meet those standards.

There’s nothing wrong with having expectations, but it’s crucial to ensure they’re realistic and based on the interests and abilities of our children, not our own aspirations or unfulfilled dreams.

Instead of excessively pushing them to achieve specific outcomes, it is essential to encourage children to take personal ownership of their own goals and to appreciate their journey towards fulfilling them. Teaching them to value hard work, embrace learning, and handle failures, will prepare them for success far more than reaching for unrealistic expectations.

4) Lack of emotional expression

Many of us grew up in an environment where showing emotions was seen as a sign of weakness. Our parents, probably doing their best with what they knew, might have inadvertently passed on the message that it’s better to suppress our feelings.

But suppressing emotions doesn’t make them disappear. Instead, it can lead to confusion, frustration, and even mental health issues in the long run.

As parents, we must break this cycle. It’s important to create a space where children feel safe expressing their emotions — all of them, from joy to sadness, from anger to fear. Validating their feelings teaches them that it’s okay to experience a range of emotions.

Helping our kids identify and understand their emotions from a young age not only improves their emotional intelligence but also their relationships with others, their academic performances, and their overall mental well-being. So let’s teach our kids that it’s okay to be human, and yes, that includes feeling their emotions fully.

5) Not embracing imperfection

Perfection is something that many parents, myself included, find themselves striving for. Whether it’s maintaining a pristine home or ensuring our kids excel in all their activities, we often aim for that elusive ‘perfect’ scenario.

I remember painstakingly ironing my kids’ clothes, cooking elaborate meals after work, and meticulously planning every family holiday, all while trying to juggle a demanding job. It was exhausting and, eventually, I realized that I was setting an unattainable standard not just for myself, but also for my kids.

By constantly striving for perfection, I was inadvertently teaching them that anything less is a failure.

That’s not the lesson we should be teaching. Life isn’t perfect. People, including parents, children, and everyone in between, aren’t perfect. And that’s okay.

It’s far healthier and realistic to embrace our imperfections and be tolerant of others’, too. This shift in perspective fosters acceptance and empathy, qualities we all want our children to possess as they navigate an imperfect world. So let’s drop the pretense of perfection and embrace the beautiful mess of real life.

6) Failing to model healthy habits

As parents, our actions often speak louder than our words.

We can harp on about the importance of healthy eating, regular exercise, or digital detox, but if we’re devouring chips while binge-watching shows and checking work emails on our phones — our messages lose credibility.

Children learn by observing. So the best way to instill healthy habits is by practicing them ourselves.

It’s not about creating a rigid routine or diet but showing them a balanced approach to health. An occasional pizza night won’t harm anyone, as long as it’s balanced out with regular wholesome meals and activity. Demonstrating that screen time can coexist with books, games, or outdoor stand a better chance of being picked up by your child.

So let’s lead by example, and model the balanced lifestyle we hope our kids to emulate.

7) Ignoring the value of failure

Perhaps the most critical mistake we can make is shielding our children from failure.

It may seem counterintuitive, after all, we want our children to succeed. But failure is a powerful teacher. It’s through our mistakes that we learn resilience, problem-solving, and tenacity.

Our role as parents isn’t to prevent our children from failing, but to help them understand and learn from their failures. It’s about reframing failure as a stepping stone toward success, rather than an undesirable end.

Let’s remember, we’re not raising kids who never hit roadblocks, but those who know how to face and overcome them. Failure isn’t the enemy; the fear to try again is.

Final thoughts

Life is messy, and there is no foolproof manual for parenting. We can all agree—we’re trying our best to raise self-reliant, resilient, empathetic individuals who can navigate the real world.

An integral part of this journey is realizing that our well-intentioned actions can sometimes steer our kids towards struggle.

Reflecting on parenting behaviors now could save our children from future difficulty. After all, the adage holds true – an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

This doesn’t mean we will never err—we’re humans, and making mistakes is a part of our learning process. What matters is our willingness to learn from these mistakes, adjust our sails, and provide the right guidance for our children’s development.

To quote Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Let that be the mantra in our ever-evolving journey of parenthood.