It’s a subtle yet stinging sensation when someone you care about chooses their phone over your company – that’s “phubbing”.

The difference between harmless distraction and harmful behavior lies in the cumulative effect. Every “phub” chips away at the trust that underpins your relationship, even if you’re not immediately aware of it.

In this article, I’ll be delving into 8 ways that being “phubbed” by someone you care about subtly erodes trust. It’s time to put our phones down and really listen to those around us, because the cost of not doing so is too great.

1) Silent Messages

Imagine this: You’re in the middle of a meaningful conversation with someone you care about, emoting, explaining, sharing, and then suddenly their attention shifts. Their eyes are on their phone, fingers tapping away. That’s a “phub”.

This might seem like a simple distraction, but it carries a silent message. It says, “Something else is more interesting or important than you right now”. It’s subtle, but it’s there, and it begins to chip away at the trust in the relationship.

Trust is built on respect and attention. When those are compromised by frequent ‘phubbing’, even if unintentional, it sends signals that might make one question their value in the relationship.

So the next time you’re tempted to reach for your phone while someone’s talking to you – stop. Ask yourself if that message or notification is really worth creating subtle cracks in your relationship’s foundation. Remember, trust once lost is harder to rebuild.

2) Personal Reflection

I’ll share a personal example. Last week, I met up with a dear friend I hadn’t seen in months. We’d been planning this catch-up for weeks, and I was thrilled to finally get the opportunity to reconnect.

But as we sat down to chat over coffee, her phone buzzed and she picked it up. I watched as her eyes scanned the screen, a smile tugging at her lips as she responded to the message. Once, twice, thrice – it kept happening throughout our meet-up.

The hidden message was clear – I was secondary to the conversation she was having on her phone. It hurt. It felt as if our friendship didn’t hold as much value as I thought it did.

Every “phub” was a small blow to the trust and respect I held for her. It made me question – if she couldn’t prioritize our conversation during our rare get-togethers, could I trust her to be there when it really mattered?

This is just one instance where “phubbing” subtly eroded trust in a relationship that matters to me. And I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at some point.

3) The Brain’s Reaction

When we’re ignored in favour of a phone, it doesn’t just hurt our feelings. There’s actually a physical reaction happening in our brain.

Neuroscience research has shown that social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. This means that being “phubbed” can literally cause feelings akin to physical pain.

And when we associate this discomfort with a specific person consistently choosing their phone over our company, it can begin to erode the trust we have in them. After all, who wants to willingly subject themselves to a source of pain?

So, every time we choose to “phub” someone, we’re not just disrespecting their time, we’re causing them discomfort that could have long lasting effects on our relationship.

4) Quality Time Erosion

Let’s talk about quality time.

Quality time is quite literally the time you spend with someone where you both are fully present, engaged, and attentive to each other. It’s during these moments that deeper connections are formed and trust is solidified.

But when “phubbing” gets in the way, it erodes these precious moments. You might physically be in the same space, but mentally, you’re miles apart.

When one person is engrossed in their virtual world, the other is left feeling neglected and less valued. Over time, this erodes trust as it creates a sense of uncertainty about the other person’s commitment to the relationship.

Remember, it’s not just about being together; it’s about being present.

5) Emotional Disconnect

There’s something deeply human about sharing our thoughts, hopes, fears, and dreams with someone we trust. It’s these shared experiences and emotions that form the glue of our relationships.

But when “phubbing” occurs, it creates an emotional disconnect. It’s like trying to pour out your heart, only to have it fall on deaf ears. The person you’re trying to connect with is physically there but emotionally absent.

This emotional disconnect doesn’t just cause sadness or frustration; it also chips away at the trust we have in the person doing the “phubbing”. It signals a lack of empathy and understanding, which are key components of trust.

So, when we choose our phones over our loved ones, we’re not just missing out on their stories; we’re also jeopardizing the emotional bond that ties us together.

6) Insecurity Creep

A few years back, I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly on their phone. Every conversation, every meal, every quiet moment together was interrupted by the ping of a notification.

I started to feel insecure. Was I not interesting enough? Was there someone else? Countless questions swirled in my mind, feeding my insecurities. This constant doubt created a thick fog of mistrust.

The truth is, when someone consistently chooses their phone over you, it can make you question your worth in their life. And these self-doubts can slowly erode trust in the relationship.

It’s crucial to remember, every time we pick up our phone in the presence of another, we might inadvertently be feeding into their insecurities and damaging the trust that holds the relationship together.

7) Communication Breakdown

Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any strong relationship. It allows us to understand each other better, resolve conflicts, and build stronger bonds.

However, when “phubbing” enters the picture, it can seriously hinder this communication process. When someone is constantly distracted by their phone, the flow of conversation is disrupted and messages can be misunderstood or missed entirely.

Over time, these disruptions can lead to misunderstandings, frustrations and arguments. The trust we have in that person’s ability to communicate effectively with us begins to diminish.

So, remember that your undivided attention during a conversation isn’t just about politeness; it’s about preserving the health and trust in your relationships.

8) Trust Diminishment

At the heart of it all, being “phubbed” by someone you care about subtly erodes trust because it shows a lack of respect and consideration for the person in front of you. It sends a clear message that whatever is happening on your phone is more important than the person you are with.

This repeated behaviour can slowly diminish the trust in the relationship, as it makes one question the other’s priorities and commitment. Trust is built on a foundation of mutual respect and attention. When these are lacking, trust starts to crumble.

So, let’s put our phones down more often, prioritize the people in our lives, and build stronger, more trusting relationships.

Final Thoughts

In this digital age, our devices have become so intertwined with our lives that they often act as extensions of ourselves. However, it’s crucial we don’t allow them to intrude upon our personal relationships.

Being “phubbed” can subtly erode trust, leading to feelings of rejection, insecurity, and discomfort. But it’s not an irreversible situation.

Just like trust can be eroded, it can also be rebuilt. It begins with awareness – recognizing the impact of our actions and making a conscious effort to change our habits.

Perhaps it’s time we start valuing the human connection over the digital distraction. After all, phones are replaceable, but the relationships we build with those we care about are priceless.

So before you reach for your phone the next time you’re in the company of someone you care about, pause. Reflect on the impact of your actions. Choose connection over distraction. Choose trust over erosion.

Because at the end of the day, it’s the quality of our relationships that truly define our life’s richness, not the quantity of likes or messages on our screens.