Navigating the line between supporting your adult child and enabling them can be tricky.

Enabling often masquerades as help, but it actually prevents your child from learning valuable life lessons.

Support, on the other hand, equips your child with the necessary tools to face life’s challenges independently.

So how do you know if you’ve crossed over from being supportive to enabling? Well, there are some tell-tale signs that you could be enabling your adult child rather than truly helping them.

Here are eight signs that could indicate you’re inadvertently enabling instead of aiding your adult child.

1) You’re always the safety net

One of the most common signs you’re enabling your adult child is if you’re continually acting as their safety net.

Of course, as a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your child from harm and discomfort. But there’s a difference between occasional help during crisis times and consistently rescuing them from all of life’s difficulties.

Helping them every time they face a problem doesn’t teach them how to handle challenges on their own. Instead, it makes them reliant on you and prevents them from developing crucial problem-solving skills.

So, if you find yourself always stepping in to save the day, it could be a sign that you’re enabling rather than helping your child. Remember, sometimes the best help is to let them figure things out for themselves.

2) You’re drained emotionally and financially

In my own experience, I found that I was constantly stressed and anxious over my adult son’s affairs. Not only did I worry about his job security and financial stability, but I also found myself covering his expenses more often than not.

I was constantly bailing him out of financial pitfalls, paying his bills, and even covering his rent. My own savings were dwindling, and it was taking a toll on my emotional health as well.

This was a wake-up call for me. It made me realize that I wasn’t really helping him. Instead, I was enabling his dependence on me for financial support.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, constantly worried and financially strained due to your adult child’s circumstances, it’s time to reassess your approach. You might be enabling them instead of truly helping them stand on their own feet.

3) Your child lacks motivation and ambition

A surprising, but true phenomenon is that when adult children are too reliant on their parents, they often lack motivation and ambition. When they know they have a safety net to fall back on, there’s less incentive for them to take risks or strive for their goals.

If your child is showing signs of lethargy, consistently underperforms in their job or studies, or simply seems uninterested in setting and achieving personal goals, this could be a sign of enabling.

Rather than encouraging independence and self-reliance, enabling behaviors can inadvertently stifle your child’s drive to succeed. It’s crucial to encourage your adult child to take responsibility for their own life and to motivate them to reach their potential.

4) You’re still doing their chores

Doing your adult child’s chores can be another sign that you’re enabling them. When you continually clean up after your child, do their laundry, cook their meals, or handle their administrative tasks, you’re not teaching them the essential skills they need to live independently.

While it might seem like you’re just being helpful, in the long run, you’re preventing your child from learning how to manage these responsibilities themselves.

To truly help your child, it’s important to let them handle their own tasks and chores. This not only teaches them crucial life skills but also fosters a sense of responsibility and independence.

5) You feel responsible for their happiness

As parents, our instinct is to want our children to be happy and content. However, if you find yourself feeling overly responsible for your adult child’s happiness to the point where you compromise your own well-being, it could be a sign of enabling.

Our children’s emotions are their own, and while it’s natural to empathize with them, it’s not healthy or productive to take on their emotional burdens as your own.

Remember, everyone must navigate their own journey of ups and downs. It’s not your job to shield your child from every disappointment or distress. Instead, equip them with the emotional tools they need to handle life’s challenges independently. This will enable them to find their own happiness rather than relying on you for it.

6) You’re neglecting your own needs

There was a time when I found myself so consumed with my adult daughter’s issues that I completely neglected my own life. My hobbies, my friendships, even my health took a backseat.

I was constantly worrying about her, trying to solve her problems, and putting her needs before my own. It got to a point where I barely recognized the person I had become.

If you find that your life is revolving entirely around your adult child and their problems, it’s a sign of enabling. It’s crucial to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Balancing your needs with those of your child is not selfish; it’s necessary for both your wellbeing and theirs.

7) You’re making excuses for their behavior

If you often find yourself making excuses for your adult child’s behavior, it’s a red flag that you might be enabling them.

When your child acts irresponsibly, consistently underperforms at work or school, or has recurring issues with relationships, it’s easy to want to justify their actions. But in doing so, you’re denying them the chance to take responsibility for their actions.

Rather than covering up or excusing their behavior, it’s important to hold your child accountable. This will help them understand the consequences of their actions and encourage them to make better choices in the future.

8) You’re not setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is perhaps the most crucial aspect of a healthy parent-adult child relationship. If you’re often feeling taken advantage of, or if your adult child heavily relies on you for things they should be managing themselves, it’s a clear sign that boundaries are lacking.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries not only ensures your well-being but also promotes self-reliance in your child. It teaches them respect for others’ space and time and helps them understand that every action has consequences.

Remember, it’s not just about helping your adult child survive, but equipping them to thrive independently. That’s the best support you can offer.

Final thoughts: It’s about growth

The complexities of parenting don’t end when your child becomes an adult. It merely evolves into a different set of challenges and opportunities.

One such challenge is recognizing and addressing enabling behaviors. As we’ve outlined, it’s often disguised as help, when in reality, it can hinder your adult child’s development and self-reliance.

It’s important to understand that enabling is not about the intention, but the outcome. Even if your actions stem from a place of love and concern, if they’re preventing your child from growing and learning, they’re not beneficial in the long run.

Remember, the ultimate goal of parenting isn’t to make your child dependent on you, but to equip them with the skills and mindset they need to navigate life independently.

As parents, our role evolves from being caregivers to becoming coaches. By recognizing the signs of enabling and taking steps to address them, we can help our adult children grow into responsible, self-reliant individuals. And that, ultimately, is a testament to successful parenting.