The difference between politeness and emotional intelligence can be subtle, but significant.

It’s easy to mistake politeness for emotional intelligence – after all, both involve treating others with respect and consideration. However, there are certain phrases that, while they may sound polite on the surface, can actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is about understanding and managing your own emotions, as well as recognizing and influencing the emotions of others. And surprisingly, some phrases that we often use with good intentions can end up doing just the opposite.

Here’s a list of eight common phrases you might want to rethink using, as they might not be as emotionally intelligent as you think.

1) “Calm down”

We’ve all been there – in the midst of a heated moment, someone tells us to “calm down”. While it may seem like a polite request aimed at deescalating the situation, it can often come across as dismissive and invalidating.

When someone is experiencing strong emotions, telling them to “calm down” doesn’t acknowledge what they’re feeling. Instead, it suggests that their emotions are excessive or unwarranted.

Emotional intelligence involves empathizing with others and validating their feelings. So instead of trying to suppress their emotions with a “calm down”, a more emotionally intelligent response could be “I see that you’re upset. Let’s work through this together.”

This phrase might seem polite, but it can actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence. So next time, try empathizing and validating instead – it shows that you truly understand and respect their feelings.

2) “It’s not a big deal”

There was a time when my friend was upset about something that seemed trivial to me. I remember saying, “It’s not a big deal” in an attempt to alleviate her worries.

But instead of calming her down, my comment made her more upset. It was then that I realized my mistake – by saying “It’s not a big deal”, I was inadvertently dismissing her feelings and making her feel unheard.

What may seem insignificant to us might be a big deal to someone else. Emotional intelligence is about understanding and respecting this difference in perspective.

By telling someone their concern or issue isn’t a big deal, we aren’t showing empathy or understanding. We’re essentially saying that their feelings aren’t valid or important.

In retrospect, I should have said something like, “I can see you’re really upset about this. Can you help me understand why it’s so important to you?” This would have shown respect for her feelings and would have opened up a dialogue rather than shutting it down.

3) “I know exactly how you feel”

When we hear someone share a struggle they’re facing, our instinct often is to connect with them by saying something like “I know exactly how you feel”. We think it communicates empathy and understanding.

However, the truth is, no two people experience things in exactly the same way. Even if you’ve gone through something similar, it’s unlikely that your feelings and reactions were identical to theirs.

Research in the field of psychology has shown that such attempts at empathy can actually make the other person feel more isolated because it can come across as trying to shift the focus from them to your own experiences.

A more emotionally intelligent response could be, “I can’t imagine exactly how you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.” This acknowledges their unique experience and offers support without making assumptions about their feelings.

4) “You’re overreacting”

Telling someone they’re overreacting might seem like a logical way to help them gain perspective in a heated moment. However, it’s a phrase that can often backfire.

When we tell someone they’re overreacting, it minimizes their feelings and experiences. It’s essentially a judgement on how they should or shouldn’t react to a situation.

Emotionally intelligent people understand that emotions are subjective, and what might seem like an overreaction to one person might be a completely rational response to another.

Instead of telling someone they’re overreacting, try using a phrase like “I can see this has really affected you. Let’s try to work through it together.” This shows respect for their feelings and can help create a more constructive conversation.

5) “At least it’s not…”

This phrase often comes up when we’re trying to help someone see the bright side of a situation. “At least it’s not…” might seem like a way to offer comfort, but it can also unintentionally belittle someone’s experience.

When someone is going through a hard time, they might not be ready to see the silver lining just yet. And that’s okay. Emotional intelligence involves recognizing where someone is emotionally and meeting them there.

Telling someone “At least it’s not…” can feel dismissive and can shut down the opportunity for them to express their feelings fully.

A more compassionate response could be, “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you.” This lets them know that you’re there to support them, without trying to minimize their experience. It shows that you’re willing to sit with them in their pain, and that can make all the difference.

6) “You should have…”

There was a time when a loved one shared with me a deep regret about a missed opportunity. My immediate response was, “You should have taken it when you had the chance.”

In retrospect, it was an unhelpful response, even though it felt logical at the time. It not only dismissed their current emotions but also added a layer of guilt and regret.

“Should” statements can feel like criticism and can lead to feelings of inadequacy. They focus on past mistakes or failures instead of future possibilities.

A more emotionally intelligent approach could have been, “That must be disappointing for you. What can we learn from this for future opportunities?” This approach acknowledges their feelings and shifts the focus to growth and learning, rather than dwelling on past mistakes.

7) “You always…” or “You never…”

Using absolute terms like “always” or “never” can be a slippery slope in conversations, especially during conflicts. These words can make the other person feel attacked and defensive, shutting down any chance of a productive dialogue.

Rather than focusing on behavior patterns, emotionally intelligent individuals focus on specific instances and express their feelings about those instances.

Instead of saying “You never listen to me,” a more constructive approach would be to say, “I felt unheard when I was talking about my day earlier. Can we talk about it?”

This way, you’re sharing your feelings without blaming or accusing the other person, fostering a more open and respectful exchange.

8) “I’m fine”

The phrase “I’m fine” is perhaps the most common mask we put on to hide our true emotions. While it might seem like a polite way to avoid burdening others with our problems, it can actually hinder genuine connection.

Emotional intelligence involves being honest about our feelings, both with ourselves and with others.

When we say “I’m fine” but we’re not, we’re denying ourselves the opportunity to be heard and understood. This can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Next time, instead of resorting to “I’m fine”, try expressing your true feelings. It might feel vulnerable at first, but it paves the way for more authentic and meaningful connections.

The heart of the matter

At the end of the day, our choice of words reflects more than we realize. They paint a picture not just of our thoughts, but also our emotional intelligence.

The phrases we’ve explored might seem polite or even helpful on the surface. But when we dig deeper, they often reveal a lack of understanding or empathy for the feelings of others.

Renowned psychologist and author Daniel Goleman once said, “Emotional intelligence begins to develop in the earliest years… the emotional lessons we learn in childhood are as profound and lasting as the mental abilities we develop.”

Indeed, our journey towards emotional intelligence is lifelong. It requires continuous reflection, learning, and growth.

As we navigate through our relationships – personal and professional – let’s strive to use words that validate and respect the emotions of others. Let’s remember that every interaction is an opportunity to practice empathy and kindness – the hallmarks of true emotional intelligence.