Not all friendships are created equal.

Healthy friendships enrich our lives, making us happier and better. More than that, as noted by the American Psychological Association, they are actually “crucial for our well-being and longevity.” 

Others only serve to pull us down and hold us back.

But how can we tell which is which before it’s too late?

Well, if you notice these red flags in a friendship you have, it’s time you made a change. 

1) It feels one-sided

Ever feel like you’re the only one putting any effort into a friendship? Like you’re always the one making plans, initiating conversations, and generally keeping the friendship afloat?

As noted by clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, this is a sign of a problematic friendship. 

In a healthy friendship, effort should be reciprocal. Both parties should take turns reaching out, making plans, and showing interest in each other’s lives. 

If it’s always you doing all the work, it might be time to question whether this friendship is beneficial for your mental and emotional health. 

You deserve to be in relationships where your efforts are matched and appreciated.

2) You can’t be open with them

Trust is a crucial element in any relationship. 

It’s what gives us the confidence to be our authentic selves, knowing we won’t be betrayed or taken advantage of. 

It’s also what allows us to be vulnerable, an essential element of any real friendship. 

Has a friend repeatedly betrayed your trust? Have they revealed things you told them in confidence? Do they use your vulnerabilities against you?

If so, it’s a clear sign that the friendship might be doing more harm than good. 

Psychological research has suggested that the effects of such betrayals include shock, damaged self-esteem, self-doubt, and anger. 

Not only that, researchers noted that betrayal can actually cause what they called “life-altering changes,” such as anxiety disorders. 

3) They use guilt tripping to get their way

“If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t do this,” or “You’re going to leave me alone when I need you the most?” 

Any of these sound familiar?

They’re classic examples of guilt-tripping, a manipulative tactic used to control and influence someone’s actions. 

The person using guilt may frame themselves as the victim, continuously reminding you of your past mistakes or their sacrifices, to manipulate your decisions and maintain power in the relationship. 

It sounds obvious on paper, but it’s often difficult to recognize when it’s actually happening. 

Anyway, as you might have guessed, it’s not something your friends should be doing. In fact, it’s a huge red flag. Why?

Studies have shown that guilt has some severe consequences, including eroding self-esteem and creating a sense of isolation. 

It may sound harsh, but if this type of behavior rings a bell, it may be time to cut ties with that friend. 

The next one is another one that likely warrants breaking off the friendship completely to protect your own mental health. 

4) They gaslight you

So here’s another serious one. 

For those of you who might not know, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone covertly sows seeds of doubt in an individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. 

It’s named after the 1938 play “Gas Light,” where a husband manipulates small elements of their environment and insists that his wife is mistaken or misremembering to make her doubt her own sanity.

In friendships, it might manifest as a friend dismissing your feelings, contradicting your memory of events, or repeatedly suggesting you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. 

For example, if you bring up something that hurt you, they might counter with, “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.”

This can erode your trust in your own judgment and make you more dependent on the gaslighter for their version of reality. 

Left unchecked, it can even lead to significant psychological distress, including anxiety and depression. 

Needless to say, recognizing this behavior before it’s too late is crucial.

5) You feel constantly criticized

Picture this: you’re excited about a new job offer you’ve just received, and you share the news with your friend. 

However, instead of sharing in your excitement, they immediately point out the potential downsides or criticize your choice. They might not be doing it out of malice, but their constant critique is a far cry from the support you expected.

Constructive criticism is one thing—it can help us grow and improve. But if a friend consistently criticizes your decisions, your lifestyle, or even trivial things about you, it’s a glaring red flag. 

As noted by Dr Sheri Jacobson, founder of Harley Therapy, criticism destroys self-esteem, and a lack of it is a leading cause of anxiety and depression. 

Basically, a healthy friendship should build you up, not break you down with endless fault-finding. 

6) They are unreliable 

We all have days when we can’t keep a commitment due to unforeseen circumstances. 

However, if a friend consistently cancels plans at the last minute, forgets important dates, or fails to follow through on promises, it’s not a good sign.

Reliability is a cornerstone of a strong friendship. It creates a sense of security and trust, knowing that you can count on someone. 

This has been well-acknowledged by experts. 

For example, Harvard researchers have found that relationships are the best predictors of our happiness and how long we will live. 

The study director, Robert Waldinger, mentioned that what was important in these relationships was that “they could really count on the other when the going got tough.” 

Basically, true friends are there for one another. If a friend of yours is often MIA when you need them most, it might be time to reconsider the friendship’s impact on your overall well-being.

7) Their compliments always feel backhanded

“Wow, you actually look good today!” or “I’m surprised you could handle such a big project; good for you!” 

Sound familiar?

We all like a good joke once in a while, but if such backhanded compliments are frequent, it suggests an issue. 

Such remarks are typically designed to put us down and make us second-guess ourselves. This sort of belittlement is another red flag in friendships, as noted by clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi. 

Healthy relationships should make you feel supported and uplifted, not second-guessing your worth or achievements. 

Recognizing these subtle put-downs for what they are—a significant friendship red flag—can help you make decisions that better support your mental health and dignity.

8) They tell you other people’s secrets

This one reminds me of the dinner scene from Black Mass when infamous gangster Whitey Bulger, played by Johnny Depp, persuades a guy to reveal a “family secret” recipe. 

Bulger then goes on to say, “You spill the secret family recipe today; maybe you spill about me tomorrow.”

The point?

If a friend readily shares others’ secrets with you, what’s to say they don’t do the same with your secrets? 

This was also noted by clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, and it’s certainly a less-than-obvious sign to look out for. 

Revealing others’ secrets without their permission is not just a breach of trust; it’s a signal that your friend does not respect the confidentiality essential to genuine relationships. 

So, next time your friend divulges someone else’s secret, remember—it might just be a preview of how they might treat your private information. 

9) You just feel worse after spending time with them

This is perhaps the most important red flag of them all. 

If you consistently feel worse – drained, unhappy, or stressed – after spending time with a friend, it’s a clear sign that the friendship might be toxic. 

Trust your gut. 

Friends are supposed to uplift us, make us feel better about ourselves, and add positivity to our lives. They should be sources of comfort and joy, not stress and negativity. 

The bottom line

That’s just about it from me today, folks. 

Friendships, like any relationship, require work and understanding. 

However, it’s important to recognize when a friendship is no longer serving your well-being. 

As always, I hope you found some value in this post. 

Until next time.