We often talk about infidelity in relationships, but what about those seemingly innocent actions that aren’t quite cheating, but aren’t quite kosher either?

I call these “micro-cheating,” and trust me, they can be just as damaging.

Drawing from my own experiences and studies of Buddhism and mindfulness, I’ve identified eight forms of this subtle deception that you shouldn’t tolerate in any relationship.

In this article, I’ll break down these eight forms of micro-cheating. Hopefully, you’ll gain a better understanding of where to draw the line between harmless flirtation and betrayal.  

1) Subtle secrets

In any relationship, honesty is paramount. It’s the foundation on which trust is built.

But what happens when there are little secrets, tiny omissions and half-truths? This, my friends, is what I call “subtle secrets,” one form of micro-cheating that can subtly erode trust within a relationship.

These could be as simple as hiding text messages from a particular friend, or not mentioning a coffee catch-up with an ex. They’re not earth-shattering betrayals, but they can sow seeds of doubt and insecurity.

Here’s the kicker: It’s the small deceptions that can cause big problems over time.

When you notice your partner consistently hiding small things from you, it’s time to have an open conversation. Trust me, it’s better to address these issues sooner rather than later.

2) Emotional bonds

The second form of micro-cheating that I want to talk about is developing emotional bonds with someone outside your relationship.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to have friends and close relationships outside your romantic partnership.

But when you find yourself sharing intimate details, dreams, and fears with someone who’s not your significant other, you’re treading into dangerous territory.

I remember a time when I found myself opening up more to a close friend than my partner. It took a mindful pause and self-reflection to realize I was unintentionally creating an emotional distance in my relationship.

Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.”

If you’re offering this precious gift to someone other than your partner consistently, it may be a form of micro-cheating.

Make no mistake: It’s essential to keep the emotional intimacy primarily within your relationship. Share your life, your dreams, and your fears with your partner. That’s how you maintain and deepen your bond.

3) Online flirtations

In today’s digital landscape, defining infidelity isn’t as clear-cut as it once was. Take online flirtations, for instance—they might seem harmless, but they pack a punch just like physical betrayal.

From playful banter to liking suggestive posts, these digital dalliances can chip away at the trust in your relationship if left unchecked.

In Buddhism, they preach the Middle Way—a sweet spot between indulgence and denial. It’s a philosophy we can apply here too: finding equilibrium in our online and offline interactions.

So sure, chat away online, but do it with a dash of mindfulness. If you wouldn’t want your partner peering over your shoulder, it’s a sign to hit the brakes.

4) Comparing your partner

Yet another subtle form of micro-cheating often sneaks by unnoticed: comparing your partner to others. It might not involve direct interaction, but its impact can be just as detrimental.

Constantly measuring your partner against exes, friends, or even celebrities sets an unfair and unrealistic benchmark. It subtly undermines their unique qualities and the value they bring to your relationship.

A crucial lesson I’ve learned after many years practicing mindfulness is: the present moment is where life is at. If we want lasting joy and peace, we must plant ourselves firmly in the now.

Comparing partners? That’s the antithesis of mindfulness—it’s dwelling on the past or indulging in fantasy, neglecting the reality before us.

So, next time you catch yourself in the comparison game, hit pause and tune into mindfulness. Focus on your partner’s strengths and the reasons you chose them. Cherish them for who they are, not who they’re not.

5) Keeping a backup

Having a backup or a ‘Plan B’ may be wise in many situations, but not when it comes to relationships. Keeping someone on the back burner, just in case things don’t work out, is another subtle form of micro-cheating.

I remember a time early in my life when I was guilty of this. I was dating someone, but I kept in touch with an old flame ‘just in case.’ It wasn’t fair to either party and created unnecessary tension and confusion.

In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I talk about the importance of being fully present and committed in all aspects of life, including relationships.

Keeping a backup indicates a lack of commitment and respect towards your current partner. It’s not mindful, and it’s not kind.

If you find yourself or your partner engaging in this behavior, it’s time for an honest conversation.

6) Inappropriate jokes and teasing

Humor is essential in any relationship, but there’s a fine line between harmless fun and inappropriate joking or teasing. Making suggestive comments or jokes that push boundaries can be a form of micro-cheating.

It’s important to remember that respect is a cornerstone of both Buddhism and mindfulness. Our interactions with others should be guided by empathy and understanding, not by attempts to provoke or push boundaries inappropriately.

Buddhism teaches us about “right speech,” which means speaking truthfully, kindly, and constructively. If your partner’s jokes or teases make you uncomfortable or feel disrespected, it’s crucial to communicate this to them.

Here’s the thing: Being mindful of our words and actions can help us ensure we’re fostering love and respect, rather than causing harm or discomfort. At the end of the day, a joke is only funny if both people are laughing.

7) Contingent attention

The seventh form of micro-cheating is what I like to call “contingent attention.” This is when your partner only showers you with attention or affection when they want something or when someone else shows interest in you.

This can be a manipulative tactic, creating a false sense of scarcity and making you feel like you’re constantly competing for your partner’s attention. It’s not healthy, and it’s definitely not fair.

American psychotherapist Sylvia Boorstein said, “Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.”

This should apply to our relationships as well. Your partner’s attention and affection shouldn’t be contingent on their desires or external factors but should be a consistent presence in your relationship.

Bottom line?

Everyone deserves to feel valued and appreciated for who they are, not what they can provide or how they make others perceive their partner. Don’t settle for less.

8) Excessive self-disclosure

Excessive self-disclosure to someone outside your relationship? That’s a sneaky form of micro-cheating. Let me explain.

Sharing personal or intimate details about your life, your relationship, or your partner with a third party can often cross the line. This can shift the emotional intimacy away from your relationship and create an unhealthy dynamic.

It’s crucial to respect the private aspects of your relationship and keep them within its confines. Therefore, be mindful of what you share and with whom. After all, some things are meant to be shared between just two people.

Zero tolerance for micro-cheating: guard your love, defend your trust!

In the game of love, every action counts. This article isn’t just a list—it’s your playbook for protecting what matters most. From flirty emojis to subtle secrets, each infraction chips away at the fortress of trust.  

My advice?

Don’t settle for blurred boundaries or hidden agendas. Your relationship deserves the full measure of honesty and respect. Stand firm, championing transparency and fostering a love that thrives on mutual trust.

After all, in matters of the heart, every choice shapes the narrative of your happily ever after.

If you’re interested in learning more about mindfulness and how it can positively impact your life and relationships, I invite you to check out my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego. It’s packed with insights that can guide you towards living a more authentic, compassionate, and fulfilling life.

Remember, every relationship requires effort and understanding. So stay present, stay committed, and keep the love flowing.