Growing up in a small town in North Carolina, I was always taught to “forgive and forget.” As a sheltered child with limited knowledge of the world, this adage made sense – if someone hurt you, you forgave, you forgot, and you moved on.

That way, the world would be a much more harmonious place.

As I aged and life got messier, I realized the old adage didn’t always cut it. The wake-up call hit hard when my best friend crossed a line by secretly dating my then-boyfriend. 

This betrayal struck at the very heart of my principles. Was I supposed to just shrug it off and move on? I wished I could. But it wasn’t that simple, nor was it fair to my heart to bury the hatchet and lick my own wound. 

This pain cut deep, challenging me to confront the hurt and lead me on a journey of self-discovery.

During that pivotal period, I discovered a different path – one that was more honest with our feelings and more respectful of our personal boundaries. 

Here’s the story of how I learned to handle forgiveness in a different, more empowering way.

Learning to forgive without forgetting

Discovering this new approach to forgiveness was a journey of trial and error. The turning point was when I came across a quote by Oprah Winfrey that said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”

This perspective was a game-changer for me. I realized that forgiving wasn’t about pretending the hurt never happened or wiping it from my memory.

Instead, it was about acknowledging the pain, accepting what had transpired, and deciding not to let it control my future.

I took this advice to heart and began applying it in my life. When my friend apologized for dating my ex-boyfriend, I made a conscious choice to forgive her.

I acknowledged my feelings of anger and betrayal. But instead of trying to forget what she had done, I chose to learn from that experience.

I set boundaries and communicated openly about my feelings. I let her know that while I forgave her, our friendship couldn’t go back to how it was before.

It was a difficult conversation, but it helped me preserve my self-respect.

Why we cling to the “forgive and forget” adage

The “forgive and forget” mantra is deeply ingrained in our society. It seems noble, selfless, and the ‘high road’ to take. However, in my journey, I’ve concluded that this belief is not only unrealistic but can also be harmful.

This principle suggests that we should erase painful memories from our minds. Yet, our experiences, both good and bad, shape us. They make us who we are. Trying to forget them is like denying a part of ourselves.

Moreover, this belief can make us feel guilty for remembering the hurtful incidents in our lives. It creates a false impression that remembering equals holding a grudge.

But that’s not true. Remembering is not about harboring resentment; it’s about learning from past experiences.

In my case, choosing not to forget empowered me. I remembered the pain caused by my friend’s betrayal, but I didn’t let it embitter me.

Instead, I used it as a guide to set healthier boundaries and expectations in my relationships.

Breaking free from societal expectations

Looking back on my journey, I’ve realized that the crux of the issue wasn’t just about handling forgiveness. It was about breaking free from societal norms and expectations.

The societal mantra of “forgive and forget” was deeply ingrained in me, but it wasn’t serving me well.

The first step towards this self-liberation was acknowledging my dissatisfaction with this belief. I wasn’t comfortable pretending that everything was fine when it wasn’t.

Blind positivity wasn’t helping; facing the harsh reality of my situation was.

Next, I had to understand that this expectation — to forgive and forget — was externally imposed. It wasn’t something I had chosen for myself; it was a societal norm I had been conditioned to follow.

This realization led me to pursue my own understanding of forgiveness, not one that was dictated by society. This shift in mindset allowed me to break free from societal expectations and seek self-empowerment.

In essence, the key steps that guided me through this journey were:

• Acknowledging my dissatisfaction with the “forgive and forget” mantra.
• Choosing not to blindly adhere to societal expectations.
• Pursuing an understanding of forgiveness that resonated with me.
• Seeking self-empowerment by setting boundaries and communicating openly.
• Using painful experiences as learning opportunities.

For those grappling with similar trials, I urge you to challenge societal norms and expectations that could be stifling your growth.

Dive headfirst into the journey of self-discovery, knowing that it’s perfectly acceptable to forgive without wiping the slate clean.