So you’re in love and pouring a lot of time and energy into this new, wonderful person you’ve met. The question is, are they worth it? Will the relationship last? 

These are perhaps among the most universally asked questions in the world. If someone invented a crystal ball that would definitively say “yes” or “no”, I’m sure it would sell out like hotcakes, every single day!

But until that invention comes about…we’ve got the advice of psychologists and relationship experts to help us be more certain. And if you ask me, that’s way more reliable than any crystal ball. 

Here are 9 green flags that should tell you your new relationship stands a great chance of lasting, according to psychology: 

1) Your relationship isn’t just about sex 

There’s no denying that sexual attraction is important when it comes to romantic relationships. But psychology says there’s got to be more than that. 

Real intimacy is about so much more than just sexual intimacy. It’s a whole, soul-to-soul connection. That’s more bankable than just being hot and heavy in the sheets. 

Why? Because passion dims – that’s just the reality of life. 

Of course, physical intimacy is still important no matter how old the relationship is, but there’s one other dimension that’s equally important – companionate love. 

In Principles of Social Psychology, you’ll find this definition of companionate love: 

“Over time, cognition becomes relatively more important than emotion, and close relationships are more likely to be based on companionate love, defined as love that is based on friendship, mutual attraction, common interests, mutual respect, and concern for each other’s welfare.” 

Do you see how it contains so many other elements? Those are what make enduring love strong, even though it may look completely different from passionate love. 

It’s also why…

2) There’s a sense of teamwork

If you see this playing out in your new relationship, it has a good chance of lasting. 

I always think of a relationship as a separate entity. Yes, it involves two people but it really isn’t about either one of them. It’s about something bigger than each person.

Which means, there should be a collective effort to take care of it. I’ve seen relationships fizzle out because they eventually became a competition over who does more. And then they end in resentment and bitterness. 

As Better Help puts it: “Legendary football coach Vince Lombardi defines teamwork as individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes the team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.’

A relationship operates in much the same way; it involves two people working together and committed to seeing the relationship succeed.”

This brings me to my next point…

3) You share the same values and interests

The fact of the matter is, it’s hard to be a team when you don’t exactly share the same values and interests. It would be like working towards different goals, which leads to a lot of tension and emotional pushing and pulling. 

This doesn’t mean you need to be carbon copies of each other (more on this later). But at your core, having similar values provides a common ground that acts as a strong foundation for your relationship.

Think about it – how would you manage things down the line if only one of you is family-oriented? Or if only one of you values financial security? 

It may not really be a dealbreaker, but it can make life much more bumpy. 

The same goes for interests. Having shared interests can give you a good starting point, according to the folks at Marriage.com. And then you can build on from there. 

4) Your personalities complement each other

As I said earlier, you don’t have to be carbon copies of each other (IMO, that would be rather boring!). 

Nor should you have to “complete” each other, as Jerry Maguire said. That’s just a recipe for codependency. 

The best deal is that you complement each other. For instance, my husband and I have opposite personalities – I’m the talker, and he’s the quiet one. I’m the more emotionally in touch one, while he’s the more practical-minded one. 

I won’t deny that in the beginning, these differences caused a little friction here and there. But eventually, we came to be grateful for each other’s strengths – we hoisted each other’s weak spots!

Believe it or not, similarities aren’t a guarantee your relationship will last. According to a study, having complementary personality traits are more important to relationship satisfaction. 

There’s a caveat though – it will only work if you’re both conscientious (committed to being fair and doing the right thing) and agreeable. Which is why this next sign is important…

5) You fight fair

How are you doing on conflict resolution? Are you having arguments yet?

News flash: arguing can be healthy. It’s all a matter of going about it the right way. 

The right way is, of course, to fight fair. According to Dr. Nathan Cobb, that means: 

• No degrading language like insults or swearing
• No yelling
• No blaming
• No threats of breaking up
• Zero use of force
• Staying on topic – no bringing the past up!
• Taking turns speaking

Do you see these behaviors when you argue? That’s a pretty good sign your relationship will last! 

6) Both of you take accountability

Following on from that, another sign that your relationship will last is if you both know how to be accountable. 

Look, apologizing is hard. For some people, “sorry” is the hardest word in the dictionary. 

That’s why, if they do apologize, don’t take it lightly. Take it as a sign that they are committed to making things right. 

Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains why apologies are so important. “Owning your part is an act of humility, and that gesture opens the door for your partner to reciprocate, to meet you in an honest place.” 

I can speak from experience. It used to be that I’d do anything to avoid apologizing. So when I found myself being moved to do so, it was a sign that I was serious about the relationship and that I wanted it to last. 

7) You trust each other

As you probably already know, trust is an essential part of a successful relationship. The thing is, trust takes time to build, so it can be hard to tell if someone’s trustworthy early on in a relationship. 

This is the part where we say, “Relationships are a gamble…”

However, this study offers us a good suggestion: look at predictability and dependability. 

It’s a pretty good sign when: 

• You both keep your promises and do what you say you’ll do
• You both behave positively 
• You both know what to expect from each other in most situations
• You both feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe with each other

Notice how I keep saying “both”. Like I’ve been saying in this article, a relationship is made up of two people. It can only last if you’re both all in. 

8) You make each other laugh

In this American Psychological Science podcast, psych scientists Norman Li and Kenneth Tan shared the results of a study they did on the role of humor in established relationships.

What they found was that when participants engaged in more humor production (i.e. found ways to laugh together), they reported having more satisfaction in and greater commitment to the relationship. 

And here’s the beautiful thing about it – “the greater relationship quality also predicted greater humor production and perception for the next day.”

What a lovely cycle, isn’t it? I guess it really is true – couples who laugh together last together. So if you share a lot of laughs, that’s a very encouraging sign!

9) You can be yourself

For me, this is perhaps the strongest sign that bodes well for your relationship – you’re comfortable enough to be yourself. 

In the early days of a relationship, we all feel that pressure to put our best foot forward. Why reveal our flaws and quirks so soon, right? We might scare them away! 

But the sooner you can shed those fears and feel brave enough to be vulnerable, the more it points to how safe this person can make you feel. 

And that’s a green, green, green flag. Because the truth is, a relationship has no chance of lasting if it isn’t authentic. 

The Newport Institute says, “Authentic relationships begin when we reveal our true self to another person. That means being genuine and vulnerable in our communication and interactions.”

If you ask me, I’d rather lose a new relationship than lose myself. After all, we go into relationships to fulfill our need to be seen and share our real selves with another. If you can’t be yourself around them, then what’s the point? 

Final thoughts

Diving into a new relationship can be nerve-wracking for anyone. It’s fun and exciting, but it’s also scary. 

Hopefully, you’re seeing these signs in your relationship – that can tilt the scale all the way in favor of “fun and exciting”!