Ever been in a situation where an innocent comment made to someone you barely knew backfired? Me too. It’s not just embarrassing, it can also burn bridges before they’re even built.

Here’s the deal.

Even the most social butterflies among us can sometimes put their foot in their mouth, especially when we’re still getting to know someone. We might think we’re just making idle chit-chat, but the wrong phrase at the wrong time can come off as intrusive or rude.

Want to avoid those awkward moments?

In this article, we’ll dive into the 7 phrases you should never say to people you don’t know very well, according to psychology.

These are phrases that might seem harmless but can actually push people away, rather than draw them in. They could be the very thing standing between you and a potential new friend, colleague or client.

Let’s navigate this tricky social landscape together and ensure your words open doors, rather than close them.

1) “You look tired”

Let’s kick things off with this one, shall we?

“You look tired.” Sounds harmless, right? Well, not quite.

This phrase can actually be perceived as negative or critical, even if your intention was to show concern or empathy.

See, when you tell someone they look tired, you’re indirectly commenting on their appearance. This can make them feel self-conscious or uncomfortable, especially if they’re just meeting you for the first time.

In a professional setting, this phrase could suggest that they’re not up to the task or underperforming, which isn’t an impression anyone wants to make.

Next time you come across someone who looks a bit worn out, perhaps offer them a coffee or simply ask them how their day is going instead. This way, you show empathy without making a potentially harmful comment about their appearance.

Yes, it’s all about fostering positive connections!

2) “You should smile more”

This one hits close to home.

Let me share a quick story.

A couple of years ago, I attended a networking event. I was feeling a bit nervous and perhaps my face showed it. A stranger walked up to me and said, “You should smile more.”

At first glance, it seemed like a friendly advice. But it left me feeling judged and under pressure to appear a certain way.

Here’s the thing.

Telling someone they should smile more implies that their current emotional state isn’t acceptable or pleasing to others. It’s dismissive of what they might be going through and can come across as quite insensitive.

Psychology suggests that people tend to open up more when they feel accepted for who they are, including their current emotional state.

So next time you’re tempted to tell someone to smile, why not try sparking a conversation or telling a joke instead? You might just brighten their day without making them feel self-conscious. After all, genuine smiles can’t be forced!

3) “That’s not how I would do it”

Picture this.

You’re sharing a recent experience or a decision you made with someone you’re still getting to know. Suddenly, they hit you with, “That’s not how I would do it.”

Ouch.

This phrase, while it might be intended as constructive criticism or a sharing of perspective, can really sting.

Here’s why.

It undermines the person’s choices and experiences, making them feel less competent or valued. It’s a direct challenge to their judgement and can make them feel defensive.

Everyone has their unique ways of dealing with situations, what might work for one person may not work for another – and that’s okay.

Instead of saying “That’s not how I would do it”, try phrases like “That sounds interesting, can you tell me more about why you chose to do it that way?” This way, you’re encouraging a conversation rather than passing judgment.

4) “Calm down”

Ever been told to “calm down” when you were feeling upset or agitated? I bet it didn’t make you feel calmer.

Here’s why.

This phrase can be seen as dismissive. It’s as if the person saying it is minimizing your feelings or the situation, which can be incredibly frustrating.

You see, when people are feeling emotional, the last thing they need is to feel dismissed. They need understanding and empathy.

Instead of telling someone to calm down, try saying something like, “I can see you’re upset. Can we talk about what’s bothering you?” This acknowledges their feelings and shows that you’re willing to listen and help if you can.

It’s not about controlling someone’s emotions, it’s about respecting them.

5) “You always…” or “You never…”

Let’s talk about absolutes.

“You always…” or “You never…” are phrases that can quickly put people on the defensive.

These all-or-nothing statements can paint an unfair and inaccurate picture of someone’s behavior. No one always or never does something – we’re humans, not robots!

Consider this.

In a study, researchers found that those who used absolute phrases were often perceived as uncompromising, close-minded, and hard to communicate with.

Instead, try focusing on the specific behavior and how it made you feel. For example, “I felt overlooked when you didn’t include me in the decision-making process,” instead of “You never include me in decisions.”

It’s a small shift in language that can make a big difference in communication. It’s about being fair and understanding, rather than making sweeping statements.

6) “At least it’s not…”

We’ve all been there.

Someone shares a problem with us and our instinct is to try to make them feel better. So we say, “At least it’s not…”

But here’s the thing.

This phrase, while well-intentioned, can inadvertently minimize someone’s feelings or problems. It’s as if we’re saying their issue isn’t significant because it could be worse.

Instead, try showing empathy. A simple “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “That sounds really tough” can go a long way in making someone feel heard and understood.

Everyone’s feelings are valid and deserve recognition, no matter how big or small their problems may seem. We’re all fighting battles others know nothing about – so let’s lend an ear and a kind word when we can.

7) “Why don’t you just…”

Here’s the big one.

“Why don’t you just…”

It might seem like you’re offering a solution or trying to help. But in reality, this phrase can come across as oversimplifying someone’s problem or suggesting that they haven’t thought of the solution themselves.

Life is complex and so are the problems we face. What might seem simple to one person can be incredibly difficult for another.

Let’s aim to offer support, not unsolicited advice.

Wrapping up

If you recognize any of these phrases in your own conversations, don’t fret. We’ve all been there at some point.

The good news is, with a bit of self-awareness and mindfulness, these conversational pitfalls can be avoided. It’s all about developing empathy and understanding towards others, while respecting their personal space and emotions.

Start by observing your own language. Are there phrases you use that might unintentionally cause discomfort or misunderstanding? Are there better ways to express your thoughts and feelings that invite connection rather than create barriers?

Every conversation is an opportunity to learn and grow. Even the missteps can be valuable if we take them as lessons.

Language is a powerful tool. It can build bridges or walls. Let’s use it wisely to foster positive connections.

As Carl W. Buehner once said, “They may forget what you said – but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

Here’s to mindful communication, genuine connections, and understanding the power of our words. Happy chatting!