There’s a fine line between guiding your children and unintentionally causing them harm.

This difference boils down to the words we choose. Certain phrases, often spoken in frustration or ignorance, can plant seeds of resentment in our children, slowly growing over time.

Good parenting is about nurturing, guiding, and positively influencing our children’s lives. But, even the best of us can sometimes say things that do more harm than good.

In this article, I’ll share with you 7 phrases that can unintentionally build resentment in children. These are phrases we should strive to avoid, replacing them with more supportive and understanding language.

Despite our best intentions, we sometimes let the wrong words slip out. But with awareness and a little effort, we can change that narrative and create a healthier communication environment for our kids. Let’s dive in.

1) “You’re just like your father/mother”

This is a phrase that parents often use without realizing the weight it carries.

When uttered in a negative context, it can cause children to harbor resentment, not just towards the parent who said it, but also towards the other parent being referred to.

More often than not, this phrase is used as a criticism, comparing a child’s behavior or traits to those of a parent in an unfavorable light. This can create a sense of guilt and shame in children, as they start questioning their own identities.

It’s natural for children to have traits that resemble their parents – after all, they share genetic material. However, it becomes damaging when these comparisons are used as a tool for criticism or control.

Instead of using such phrases, it’s important for parents to address specific behaviors or actions that they find problematic. This way, the focus is on the action and not on the child’s identity or worth.

2) “Because I said so”

Growing up, I remember my parents using this phrase quite often. It was their go-to response whenever they were too busy or too tired to explain their decisions or rules.

“Because I said so” can seem like the easiest way to get a child to comply, but it only fosters resentment over time. It sends the message that their feelings, thoughts, or questions aren’t valid or worth considering.

I recall feeling frustrated and dismissed when hearing these words. As a kid, I was naturally curious, so hearing “because I said so” felt like a dismissal of my inquisitiveness and hunger for understanding.

As I’ve grown and become a parent myself, I’ve learned the value of patience and clear communication. Instead of resorting to “because I said so,” try explaining your reasoning in a way that your child can understand.

This not only respects their curiosity but also teaches them logic and decision-making skills – invaluable tools for their growth and development.

3) “You always…” or “You never…”

Expressions like “You always forget your chores” or “You never listen to me” are examples of absolute language. These types of phrases can easily make children feel like they’re being unfairly judged.

Interestingly, research in the field of psychology suggests that our brains are wired to react negatively to absolute terms. When we hear words like “always” or “never,” we tend to become defensive.

This is because these words suggest that there’s no room for change or improvement – a pretty disheartening message for a child who’s still learning and growing.

Instead of using absolute language, it’s more beneficial to address the specific behavior in question. A statement like “I’ve noticed you’ve been forgetting your chores lately” sounds less accusatory and more open to discussion.

This approach not only fosters better communication but also encourages children to take responsibility for their actions.

4) “I’m disappointed in you”

This is a phrase that carries a heavy emotional burden. When a parent expresses disappointment, it can feel like a weighty judgment on the child’s worth.

While it’s natural to feel disappointed when our children make mistakes, expressing it in this way can make them feel like they’ve failed as individuals. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and a sense of not being good enough.

Instead of saying “I’m disappointed in you,” try addressing the specific behavior that caused the disappointment. For instance, “I’m disappointed that you didn’t do your homework as promised” is more about the action and less about the child as a person.

This way, we’re teaching our children that it’s their actions we’re unhappy with, not them as individuals. It’s a small change in language that can make a big difference in their emotional well-being.

5) “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”

This is a phrase that hits close to home for me. I was often compared to my older sibling growing up and it left me feeling inadequate and resentful.

Comparing a child to their sibling creates a sense of rivalry and can lead to low self-esteem. It’s as if they’re being measured against a standard they didn’t choose and have no control over.

Every child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. It’s important to recognize and appreciate these individual differences, instead of comparing them with others.

Rather than saying, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”, try praising your child for their unique qualities and accomplishments. This encourages them to value themselves as individuals, fostering self-esteem and reducing resentment.

6) “You’re too young to understand”

While it’s true that children may not grasp certain concepts due to their age, using this phrase can be disheartening for them. It can make them feel belittled and dismissed.

Children have a natural curiosity and a desire to understand the world around them. By dismissing their queries with “You’re too young to understand,” we’re discouraging their thirst for knowledge.

Instead, try explaining things in a way they can comprehend based on their age and maturity level. If it’s a particularly complex or sensitive topic, assure them that you’ll discuss it when they’re a bit older – but only if it’s truly necessary.

This approach encourages their curiosity and makes them feel valued and respected. Plus, it fosters an open line of communication between parent and child, which is crucial in building trust.

7) “Stop crying”

This phrase is particularly damaging because it dismisses your child’s feelings and teaches them to suppress their emotions.

Emotions are a natural part of the human experience, and it’s crucial for children to learn how to express and manage them in a healthy way. When we tell our children to stop crying, we’re sending the message that their feelings are invalid or unwelcome.

Instead of telling your child to stop crying, try acknowledging their emotions and comforting them. Let them know it’s okay to feel upset and that you’re there to support them.

This not only helps build emotional intelligence but also strengthens your bond with your child, creating a safe space for them to express their feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Final thoughts: The power of words

The impact of our words, particularly on young minds, is immense. The phrases we utter as parents, whether in frustration or ignorance, can leave lasting imprints on our children’s psyche.

Research in developmental psychology underscores the influence of parental language on a child’s emotional and psychological development. The language we use can shape their self-perception, their understanding of the world, and their relationships with others.

As parents, our role isn’t just to guide our children’s behavior. It’s also about nurturing their emotional health and fostering a positive sense of self.

The phrases we’ve discussed offer an insight into the potential harm we can unintentionally inflict with our words. But they also present an opportunity to reflect on our communication patterns and make necessary changes.

The next time you find yourself on the verge of uttering one of these phrases, pause. Consider the impact of your words. And remember – it’s never too late to choose a more empathetic and understanding approach in communicating with your children.