Some things are hard to hear, but they need to be said.

We all like to think we’re good communicators. We choose our words carefully, we try to be kind, and we assume our intentions will always be understood.

But the truth is, sometimes what we say doesn’t land the way we expect. And when privilege comes into play, certain phrases that seem harmless—or even well-meaning—can actually come across as dismissive, out of touch, or downright offensive.

The tricky part? Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

Language is powerful, and the way we express ourselves shapes the way we connect with others. If we’re not paying attention, we can end up shutting down conversations that could have been opportunities to listen and learn.

Here are eight tone-deaf phrases that privileged people use without realizing it—according to psychology—and why it might be time to rethink them.

1) “Everyone has the same opportunities if they just work hard enough”

Hard work should be enough to succeed. That’s what we’re told growing up.

But the reality is, not everyone starts at the same place in life. Some people face systemic barriers—whether it’s economic hardship, discrimination, or lack of access to quality education—that make success much harder to achieve.

When someone who has had more opportunities says that “everyone has the same chances if they just try hard enough,” it ignores these very real challenges. It assumes that privilege plays no role in success, when in fact, it often does.

People tend to believe their own experiences are universal. If something worked for them, they assume it should work for everyone else too. But this way of thinking can make people feel unseen and invalidated instead of motivated.

A better approach? Acknowledge that hard work matters, but so do opportunity and access. Instead of assuming everyone starts at the same line, listen to the experiences of those who have had to overcome more just to get where they are.

2) “I did it on my own, so anyone can”

I used to believe this one.

When I landed my first job, I told myself it was all because of my hard work. I had studied late into the night, pushed through self-doubt, and sent out countless applications. When I got the job, I thought, See? Anyone can do it if they just put in the effort.

What I didn’t think about was everything that had made it easier for me. I had parents who could support me while I looked for work. I had a degree that they helped me pay for. I had connections—people who were willing to vouch for me when I applied.

None of that was because of my own hard work, but it all played a role in getting me where I wanted to be.

But not everyone has the same support system, financial stability, or opportunities. Some people are starting from a place where even the first step forward is an uphill battle.

Hard work matters, but pretending that success happens in isolation ignores the reality that many people are working just as hard—if not harder—without the same safety nets or access to opportunities.

3) “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps”

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” But another quote often attributed to him is one that gets used in a very different way: “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”

Originally, this phrase was meant to describe something impossible—literally trying to lift yourself off the ground by pulling on your own boots.

But over time, it’s been twisted into advice, often directed at people struggling with poverty or hardship, as if success is simply a matter of willpower.

Telling someone to “pull themselves up” ignores how systems and circumstances shape opportunity. It assumes that everyone has boots, let alone straps to pull on.

Some people are starting from a place where even standing up requires help—whether it’s financial support, access to education, or just the basic stability needed to focus on moving forward.

4) “If they really wanted to, they would”

In the early 1900s, psychologists began studying a strange pattern in human behavior.

People who had been given advantages in life often assumed their success was entirely self-made, while those who struggled were blamed for their circumstances.

This way of thinking became known as the just-world hypothesis—the belief that life is fair and people always get what they deserve.

It’s often used to dismiss people who are struggling—whether it’s someone stuck in a low-paying job, unable to afford higher education, or dealing with mental health challenges. The assumption is that if they truly cared enough, they’d find a way to change their situation.

But wanting something doesn’t erase barriers. Not everyone has the same resources, support systems, or even the mental and emotional energy to push through constant setbacks. 

5) “I don’t see color”

On the surface, this might seem like a positive thing to say. The idea is that by refusing to “see” race, a person is treating everyone equally. But in reality, this phrase does more harm than good.

Psychologists have found that our brains naturally notice differences—it’s part of how we make sense of the world. Saying “I don’t see color” doesn’t actually erase racism or inequality; it just ignores them.

It dismisses the lived experiences of people who do have to think about race every day, not because they want to, but because it affects how they are treated, what opportunities they have, and even their safety in certain situations.

True equality doesn’t come from pretending differences don’t exist.

It comes from acknowledging them, listening to people’s experiences, and recognizing that privilege allows some people to move through life without ever having to think about these things—while others don’t have that choice.

6) “We all struggle, I don’t have privilege”

Struggle is a part of life. No one moves through the world without facing challenges, setbacks, or pain. But experiencing hardship doesn’t mean privilege doesn’t exist.

Privilege doesn’t mean someone’s life has been easy—it just means certain obstacles weren’t in their way. A person can grow up poor but still have racial privilege. They can face health struggles but still benefit from financial stability.

Saying “I don’t have privilege because I’ve struggled” ignores how these overlapping factors shape people’s lives in very different ways.

Recognizing privilege isn’t about guilt or defensiveness—it’s about awareness. It’s about understanding that someone else’s struggles might be compounded by barriers you’ve never had to face.

7) “It’s not a big deal, people are too sensitive these days”

Psychology tells us that dismissing someone’s feelings doesn’t make the problem go away—it just makes people less likely to speak up in the future.

Studies show that when people feel unheard or invalidated, they’re more likely to withdraw, internalize stress, or assume that nothing will ever change.

Calling out harmful language or behavior isn’t about being “too sensitive”—it’s about recognizing that words shape reality. What seems like a small comment to one person might be a daily reminder of exclusion for someone else.

The ability to brush things off as “not a big deal” is often a privilege in itself—one that comes from not having to experience those words in a way that affects your opportunities, safety, or sense of belonging.

8) “I’m not privileged, I’m just a good person”

Privilege isn’t a reflection of someone’s character. It’s not about being a good or bad person—it’s about the advantages someone has, whether they asked for them or not.

One of the biggest reasons people resist conversations about privilege is because they feel like it’s an attack on who they are.

But acknowledging privilege doesn’t mean dismissing hard work, kindness, or personal struggles. It just means recognizing that some people face additional barriers that others don’t.

No one wants to think of themselves as unfairly benefiting from a system that disadvantages others. But ignoring it doesn’t change reality.

Understanding privilege isn’t about blame; it’s about awareness. It’s about using what we have—whether it’s influence, resources, or simply the ability to listen—to create a world where fewer people have to fight just to be heard, seen, or given the same chances as everyone else.

The bottom line

Language shapes the way we see the world and how we relate to others. The words we choose can either open doors to understanding or quietly reinforce barriers we don’t even realize are there.

Being aware of privilege isn’t about guilt or self-blame. It’s about listening, learning, and making small shifts in how we communicate. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s growth.

Next time a conversation about inequality comes up, pause before responding.

Ask yourself—am I truly hearing this person’s experience, or am I filtering it through my own? Would changing the way I phrase something help create more space for understanding?

Awareness is the first step. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.